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THE RANT: PLAYOFFS, WEEK 1

"And here...we...GO!!!" - The Joker

Finally...the playoffs have come BACK to the Topper Sports League! We made it through a rough an arduous Spring session, impacted by the loss of our one and ONLY commish. Not gonna act like it was always easy and that I don't miss the big guy, cuz I really do every single week. Even the little things, like knowing I'd find him at the end of the bar having a sandwich in his "cool down" moments at some point. I thank all of you for keeping his memory alive and really showing respect to his name and memory. You guys made Lenny Alba Appreciation Day a really great event this past Saturday, and I respect those of y'all who show love weekly.

Now - I need to make a few things clear for our playoffs. This is not "cool" Rameer talking right now - this is end-of-the-season "Latifah's Had It Up to HERE" Rameer. The one that speaks about himself in 3rd person. You know...THE BUILD. 

First off - please read this section of our rule book, and know it WELL:

****PLAYOFF RULES******: Once playoffs start a team may only have (1) NON ROSTERED female

sub to play for them in a game. This rule is in place to keep teams from “stacking their lineups” with

better players than their “rostered players.”

Any team that is using a female sub for playoffs must send their request into TSL in writing for approval

no later than 24 hours before game day. TSL will promptly notify you via text, email or phone call if said

girl can be used. We will no longer let teams use ringer female players who did not make the playoffs or

lost in a playoff game to help make another team better. If you do not petition the TSL in writing you will

not be able to use your female sub in the playoffs. In the case of an injury you must get verbal

permission from TSL management the moment the injury occurs on the use of your female sub

selection. If a team is caught using an illegal female sub in the playoffs the captain of said team will be

suspended (3) games for the following season he/she plays.

In layman's terms? This essentially means you using a sub is approved on a case by case basis. Understand this, and understand it well - WE ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO HELP YOU PUT THE BEST TEAM ON THE FIELD TO HELP YOU WIN. I tell you all every season you should ideally have at least 4 women on your roster. I don't give a f**k that some of you can't work out playing time or that you choose women who have limited availability; that is YOUR fault. Come playoff time, we are not obligated to allow you to grab Amanda, or the Paganos, or the Katies, or the Emilys, or The Wonder Twins, etc. so you can compete because YOU didn't plan well. So if you try to grab a stud woman in the playoffs and get told no, eat it. Accept it. HOLD DAT. You were warned (in my Joe Pesci voice). Precedent suggests we have never doomed teams, and we've been flexible and fair. But please note - I've got no problem saying no. Especially for you teams who snuck subs in this season (oh, some of you are really dumb enough to think we didn't notice - silly rabbits). Topper and I will check out your request, confer, and tell you yes or no. Don't try to be slick. And don't think we won't make you play short-handed if you try to get squirrely - there are teams in this league that will tell you we've made them play short-handed before. This is going to be DOUBLY true come Championship Weekend. This is your warning - get your team in order NOW. And please don't pull the "we showed up and now we don't have enough women" last second tactic - let me save you the conversation. Topper or I will tell you to find someone off the USL at the last second. We will not let you choose Val, or Jess, or Molly Morgan, etc. because they're standing right there on the sideline. If no USL women are available or want to play? YOU WILL PLAY SHORT. 

You can put in a request the right way, but the last second "please, can we use the really good woman who is standing right here?" crap is getting torpedo'd. Test me if you want. Oh - and please stop the silly "can this guy play for us??" nonsense. Y'all already KNOW the answer. I really think y'all just be testing us to see if we're soft. Guy subs are on the USL. DASSIT. 

The other warning? PLEASE don't let me see you acting a fool in your game. 

You wanna pop off at the refs? You want to try to injure opposing players? You want to act like a belligerent idiot? I've already told the refs, so I'll tell you - I will walk right into the middle of your game, stop it, and kick your ass out. I will. Some of you know I'll walk into the middle of your game for no reason at all just for chuckles. Imagine if you're seriously acting out of pocket what I'll do. Don't make me do it to you, dunny - cuz I'll OVERDO it. 

This also reminds me - during your games, yes the ref(s) can ask me for clarification on a rule. But do not expect me to interfere with a call. Even if I disagree with a judgment call, I'm not interfering and overturning calls. Lenny and I decided to step away from that long ago. This means I can be screwed in a game just like you. Topper HAS been screwed in games in the past, and I'm sure he'll tell you about it (buy him a drink). The human element is part of our league, and refs aren't perfect. I don't want anyone to get screwed by any calls, and the majority of the time that doesn't happen. But if (for example) a ref calls a play out of bounds and I saw it in bounds from where I was standing? Unless I'm reffing that game, don't look to me to overrule him/her. I would only do that in the extreme case of a rule being absolutely wrong, and even then - I would just tell the ref the rule or show him/her so they can make the right call. 

And lastly, a warning from the bar that I'm passing along - anyone caught drinking alcohol that isn't served on the grounds will be banned from the bar and the restaurant, and they've said they may go as far as banning you from the premises altogether. People - don't be that dumb. If you get banned, please believe - that's out of my hands. It will be above me. We've got 2 weeks left - be cool.

Now. I don't like to make my rants all "angry" and tense. I just had to make sure we were crystal clear on this ish. Let's get to some lighter bullet points...

- Ice cream all day is probably my favorite thing that we've done in this league as a supplement to the games. Every time we've done it, I've gorged myself. Saturday was no different...

- Big shout out to The staff at The Angry Buffalo at Rose Garden, Joe K, Val Bernal, all the people who have reffed, Jeff Krol, Coach Jay, Emily Curry, Matty Ice, Todd Nixon, Cory Turner, Public Enemy, The Battaglia Clan, Jeremy Burr, Cobblestone, Austin Weber, Bobby McConnell and all of you who have been extra helpful and supportive quietly and not-so-quietly all season long. There are too many people to name, so charge it to the brain and not the heart if you felt you should see your name and you didn't (although most of you should be covered with my "all who have reffed" comment). Topper and I really appreciate y'all. For real. 

- #teamdeanna, Travis!!

- Piggybacking off one of the poll points - watching Nicole Keller verbally neuter 40 Year Plan Guy (after he began writing checks his ass couldn't cash) has to be one of the greatest things I've ever seen in the bar since it was renovated. I like the Kellers, all of them - but I'll let you in on a secret. Nicole is my favorite. Shhh. 

- Yo. Speaking of the poll - I just realized PE and Matty's are both undefeated. If they don't win a title...they'll go down in history with the 18-1 Patriots and the 73-9 Golden State Warriors as the most disappointing seasons EVER...

- Blase DaLuca swears he's going to take down the ladies teams in the playoffs. but Blase DaLuca has no idea how to actually beat the ladies teams. I know how - but as most of you know. I. Don't. Snitch. There's a way to do it, and you have to know how to execute. But it's not the SAME way, and it's not a simple thing. But I've successfully run a ladies team - I feel like myself and a few other vets know exactly what you need to do to win. We just ain't rattin'. 

- Parker Johnson is an effin' rockstar. I want his rookie card - NOW. 

- Losing in Breakfast Club last week was horribly disappointing for me. Horribly. Sorry, Katie - wish I could've gotten you a title...

- The latest superstar in our league is BUTTA. If you don't know BUTTA, she's the smooth macadamian slender woman on A&A. She used to be known as Shelly - but now, she's just BUTTA. 

- Qwinn? Peachy? Y'all better not let me down this week. 

- Teams with the greatest chances to pull off the upsets this week are pAssless Chaps, Tight Ends In Motion (if Seth or Ricky QB), Title Shot (if the band actually shows up) and Hope N Ruin. Please note I'm not saying they'll win - that's just who I personally think have a very good chance to win their games as lower seeds. 

- I should've received a delay of game penalty last week in the TMA/BiPolar Express game. Missed call by the refs, I admit it fully. 

- I'm amazed at how many of you leave behind jackets, sweatshirts, CLEATS, glasses, hats, etc. Are y'all secretly rich? Cuz if I leave behind even a water bottle, I'm distraught and trying to find it. Geez. 

- Everyone should enjoy my man Franco while he's still here - after this season, he's moving down South. Great player, and great dude. Gonna miss him when he's gone, so buy him a drink when you see him this week!

- People have spent the entire season crying about the naming of the divisions. Some of y'all crying like baby seal cubs are just so Downey soft to me. So I'll say it like I've said to some of you in person - we named the divisions after the same format we've used in every wine tournament. Yup, that's right - every wine tournament we've ever played in, you've signed up to play in either the competitive or rec divisions. Every. Single. One. But when we spent one season with different names that you've already seen, some of you whine like infants that you're "disrespected" because "you're competitive too!" if you're in R1-R4. 

Meanwhile, y'all really act like Topper and I don't have the text messages, emails, telegram messages, phone calls, face to face encounters, etc. of most of you crying because you DON'T want to play in certain divisions because the opponents are "too good/too tough". Like when you're sniveling about the semantics of a name, we're supposed to forget that a bunch of you have tried to stack teams, but then want to play in the lowest division possible rather than try to compete and win. 

Shout out to the 1 Todd 2 Manys of the world who jumped at the opportunity to compete against the best, knowing that the only way you get better is to play against better competition. Don't talk to me the division names when you or your teammates can't stand the prospect of losing half your games cuz you can't figure out how to beat evenly matched teams. Participation trophy-a$$ scrubs. 

- You know who never duck competition? Ladies teams. Shout out to all the ladies teams in our league who compete week in and week out without nary a complaint no matter what advantages their opponents may have. I'm always cheering for the ladies' teams. 

- We've got this week and next to really hang out amongst each other. Let's play some games, hang out, and have fun responsibly. Keep the uber rides going, and continue to look out for your fellow man and woman. Oh- and let's continue the trend of NOT playing lame music during games. The past few weeks it's been amazing to hear decent music that isn't the same 30-40 songs that are played EVERY season. 

That's about all I've got. Good luck in your games Saturday - holla at me. I'll be in the cut!

- Rameer AKA "The Build"

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