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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, it is with great sadness that I present to you some awful news: This is the last week of the TSL Spring 2021 season. It will be the last week that we’re all together, having a blast, as we race for Social Co-Ed Football Immortality. While the ride has been wonderful and exciting, this is the last week of football for 10 of our 60 TSL teams.

 

               It’s always bittersweet when we get to Week 8. The only way to win that championship, to really cement yourself as TSL royalty, means that the season needs to end too. Once the games are played and the banners are raised, it’ll be a long two months before you trot back onto the hallowed grounds behind the Rose Garden to Alba Fields. (No, they’re not officially called Alba Fields. Especially since Lenny wouldn’t like that name, and would prefer something like “Lenny Land”, which is better anyway.) When that happens, teams will be different. Players will change teams once again. Divisions will get realigned. Woodpeckers will get a new QB. Travis will switch teams because he can never be in the same place for too long. He’s a real. . . Wanderer. People will be husband and wife. Some will have new babies. TSL Life will just be different.

 

               And that’s part of the fun of a football season. Every single session is its own little story, and no two football sessions are ever the same. They’re unique and exciting, chock full of moving parts that will never duplicate the results. That’s why, when you step onto the fields this week, you should cherish the moment, because you’ll never experience it again.

 

               Speaking of cherishing the moment, how great was Lenny and Rameer Day? It was awesome flying into Buffalo last weekend and seeing the TSL in all of its glory. I got to watch some football games, listen to the band for a couple of hours at the bar, listen to people around me talk about how “I heard the Godfather was in town this week, I wonder who he is?” and the speculation began, Cookie and Elmo were there, and everyone was just having so much fun. I was so happy to be there, and yet I was so sad to know that I don’t get the full TSL experience every single week. Okay, maybe it’s jealousy.

 

               But you, Dear Reader, get to spend your Saturday with the greatest extended family you’ll ever have. If you ever doubted that statement when you’ve heard it before, Lenny and Rameer Day should have put any of those doubts to rest.

 

               Thank you to all 60 of our TSL teams. Enjoy the final act of the regular season together.

 

               Now we get into the football part of things. I had Topper clarify the various tiebreaker rules for me this week so I can give them to you:

               1. Points (The 3 for a win, 1 for a tie Pts, NOT Points For or Differential)

               2. Head To Head (Fairly simple. Have the same amount of points as another team, the team that won their matchup is ahead)

               3. If more than 2 teams are tied, it’s ‘Head to Head AND Score Differential against common opponents’. (This is the one that can get weird)

               4. Games Played – Less games played, thus higher winning percentage. (I don’t like this as it could encourage teams to NOT play games, but it’s hard to get through the other tiebreakers anyway)

               5. Score Differential overall

               6. Points For.

 

               Don’t sit there and argue it. It’s not perfect, but these are the options the program gives Topper to choose from. Yes, he actually uses a program and doesn’t just do standings math every week. Shocking, I know.

 

 

D1:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

Tight Ends In Motion 31, Public Enemy 26

Eyes Downtown 42, Sloppy Seconds 31

Sticky Bandits 51, Why So Serious? 16

Eyes Downtown 33, Sticky Bandits 22

 

               Tight Ends beat Public Enemy again, although once again both teams were missing key players. It’s safe to say the FINAL BATTLE between these two will be better when they’re both at full strength for the playoffs. However, don’t look now, but with two big wins last week Eyes Downtown is the team currently sitting in first place in the division. Sticky Bandits continue to get a little better and better every week, and their first ever TSL D1 season will end with them sitting at 4-5. I don’t think they’ve ever been more proud of a sub-.500 record.

 

What’s At Stake: The two byes are up for grabs currently. Even with Eyes Downtown sitting in first, they can be passed by TEIM and Public Enemy if both win this week. Neither should really have a problem doing so either.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Tight Ends In Motion vs Sloppy Seconds (+22) – Ho hum. Another week, another Tight Ends win that should give them the top seed in the playoffs, and avoid that second round date with Eyes Downtown in the playoffs. TIGHT ENDS BY 20

 

Public Enemy vs Why So Serious? (+24) – Same scenario, barring some Pete magic (who gets bad juju for losing his orange breakfast club shirt as he so nicely emailed me about last week) PE should waltz into the bye. PUBLIC ENEMY BY 17

 

 

D2:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Peachy Platoon 41, Bullet Club 16

Mountain Dew Me 41, Passed Our Prime 36

Losing Streak 43, Slytherin That End Zone 28

Mountain Dew Me 34, Scared Hitless 22

A&A 57, Passed Our Prime 56

 

               Peachy Platoon overcame a 16-0 deficit just before halftime to waltz to a win versus Bullet Club, who finds themselves potentially missing the playoffs. Mountain Dew Me had an easy double header, Taking on the bottom teams in the division. Losing Streak continues to show its dominance, and I keep getting emails about how good Ralph Finney really is. Chris Nelson who? Finally, A&A won a WILD one with POP who showed that they can ball with anyone when they actually have a team show up.

 

What’s At Stake: Two teams miss the playoffs. While that has the potential to be exciting, there’s only one spot currently up for grabs. Bullet Club is currently the 8^th seed, at 2-6. Their two wins however are against Scared Hitless and Passed Our Prime, who are in 9^th and 10^th respectively. POP ends up screwing themselves by not playing all 9 games this season (two wins this weekend would’ve given them the playoff spot, which undoubtedly meant that we’d have seen Bloomfield for one day to get those wins) but they’re only scheduled for one. So even if SH or POP win and BC loses, they would lose the Head to Head tiebreakers. However, if BC loses and BOTH SH and POP win, then it gets interesting as the “points differential between common opponents” comes into play. That’s when it’ll get weird. Stay tuned.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

A&A vs When Dove Cries (+8) – Word around the Dunk Tank was that Topper is going to be missing a decent chunk of his female roster this week, which can never be good for anyone. A&A BY 14

 

Peachy Platoon vs Slytherin That End Zone (+16) – Peachy has their eyes on finishing first in the division while Slytherin is really just hoping to get anything going their way this season. It’s been a rough one for SITE, but that’s just how it goes some sessions. PEACHY PLATOON BY 10

 

Losing Streak vs XTC (+12) – Losing Streak is just on a roll. They’re the only team to beat Peachy this season, and they’re a last minute Topper win followed by an A&A loss away from being undefeated. What an absolute great showing from this team in their TSL debut. LOSING STREAK BY 8

 

A&A vs Scared Hitless (+13) – A&A’s second game of the day sees them pitted against Scared Hitless, who is NOT going quietly. Hitless comes out and competes every week, and again, I hope they plan to stay in D2. Things will continue to get better for them. Just not this week, even if this is a playoff game for them. A&A BY 17

 

When Dove Cries vs Passed Our Prime (+8) – Team Topper looks to put POP to rest, but with a down week, POP might bring the house. They’ll know by game time if their playoff hopes are dead or not, but if Scared Hitless pulls off the A&A upset, look out WDC. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 3.

 

Mountain Dew Me vs Bullet Club (+11) – Mountain Dew Me has acclimated so well to D2, and its been great to see. Bullet Club needs to win this game in order to guarantee the playoffs, and for like the 20^th time they’ve been facing off against Joey Batts in this scenario with mixed results. BC will know before the game whether they need to win this one or not. MOUNTAIN DEW ME BY 2.

 

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Wolfpack 31, AWDIQ 20

Grey Hair Don’t Care 33, The Angels 28

Top Shot 39, Frodo Swaggins 21

The Untouchaballs 38, Frodo Swaggins 25

Top Shot 37, Vaspian 6

 

               Wolfpack with an awesome win over Quinn as they’re really starting to look good lately. Grey Hair took on the Angels for the second time in a couple of weeks and pulled out another victory. Frodo was missing a lot of people for a wedding last week which led to some unfavorable results. The Untouchaballs took home a victory though, which you love to see. Vaspian was without their QB this past week, so there’s not much to say about their performance. And yeah, we get it Top Shot. You’re good at football, not so good at hopping over fences.

 

What’s At Stake: Nothing. Everyone makes the playoffs. Top Shot won the division. Some positioning is there for the playoffs but nothing special.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Top Shot vs Frodo Swaggins (+7) – The best two teams in the division give us a championship preview. A loss by Frodo could drop them down the standings though, which feels weird to think about. TOP SHOT BY 13

 

Grey Hair Don’t Care vs The Angels (+8) – A third matchup between these teams is the magic of the ladder match week. GREY HAIR DON’T CARE BY 6

 

Wolfpack vs All We Do Is Quinn (+1) – Wow. This is essentially the same schedule. It’s weird how that worked out. Quinn needs to wake up. Who are they anymore? WOLFPACK BY 4

 

The Angels vs All We Do Is Quinn (+3) – Quinn is not in the greatest spot and they’re not playing like we’re used to. Then again, neither are The Angels. One of these teams can really use a feel good win right about now. THE ANGELS BY 8

 

The Untouchaballs vs Vaspian (+6) – There’s been some nice growth by both teams here. Not a bad way to end the season.  THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 3

 

D4:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Freeballers 36, TOX 6

Jabronies 46, Woodpeckers 20

Jabronies 32, Buffalo Vice 23

Practice Squad 34, Not So Sticky 7

Itches and Ohs 51, Cunning Stunts 24

Itches and Ohs 37, Not So Sticky 24

 

               So, don’t look now, but Itches and Ohs is the top team in D4 after their dismantling of the Stunts in pretty impressive fashion. For those that look at the standings and don’t understand why they’re on top, here comes the weird 3^rd tiebreaker. Bottom line, they beat the Stunts and everyone else (Practice Squad) lost to them, so they end up on the top. Freeballers cruised against TOX. Don’t look now but the Jabronies are piling up wins and making a name for themselves. They’re way too under the radar even still. Practice Squad dismantled Not So Sticky. But everyone really does that.

 

What’s At Stake: This is another division where two teams miss the playoffs. Sadly, there’s not any real excitement. Not So Sticky already played all of their games to go 1-8 and they’ll miss the playoffs. And even with a Woodpeckers win and TOX loss, TOX wins the tiebreakers. There’s absolutely zero way to predict who’s ending up in what position though. The standings can easily be shaken up this week.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Practice Squad vs Itches And Ohs (+2) – If Itches and Ohs is for real for real, they’ll win this game. I know Steve Moser is on his way to becoming the next great villain in this league, but you can’t take away the results he’s been having with his team. On field attitude can use some work apparently, but let’s take a second to be impressed with how he’s brought his squad to the top. With that said, Practice Squad is still very, very good. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 4

 

Buffalo Vice vs Woodpeckers (+13) – Buffalo Vice could weirdly use a win heading into the playoffs. They’re just 4-2, and they have the double header this week, but it just feels like we haven’t talked enough about them. They’re kind of laying low, which maybe that’s what they want to do. BUFFALO VICE BY 18

 

Freeballers vs Jabronies (EVEN) – This is an awesome game and I have no idea who’s going to come out on top. Give me the team with the better QB. JABRONIES BY 1.

 

Buffalo Vice vs Freeballers (+2) – Same as above. What a hell of a double header for the Freeballers though. They’ve always wanted more respect and I think walking away 2-0 this week could really do that for them. Somehow though, I feel like 0-2 is more probable. Prove me wrong. BUFFALO VICE BY 3

 

Cunning Stunts vs TOX (+18) – TOX might’ve bit off a little more than they could chew in D4. Then again, they’re a few poor Topper throws away from a much better record. Anyway, the Stunts are more than angry about their loss last week to Itches, so I wouldn’t want to be TOX this week. CUNNING STUNTS BY 20

 

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Puckett All-Stars 34, Wasted Potential 33

ILF 32, The Bambs 0

Puckett All-Stars 42, The Bambs 40

Breast Friends 34, Show Me Dem TDs 0

University Wealth Management 37, Zack Attack 8

 

               UNIVERSITY WEALTH MANAGEMENT 37, ZACK ATTACK 8. THAT’S AWESOME. The magic of Lenny and Rameer Day was in full effect with this one as Lenny 100% powered the Kellers to a win. Puckett continues to win, albeit very, very close ones. ILF dominated The Bambs but I had heard there were attendance issues on the Bambs side of things. Breast Friends actually got to play a game, even though Show Me Dem TDs may have been better off forfeiting.

 

What’s At Stake: Nothing. Everyone makes the playoffs. And considering the 8^th seed can beat the 1 seed with no issues now, ANYONE can win this division.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Puckett All Stars vs ILF (+6) – Two closely ranked teams, but Puckett has a slightly better defense. PUCKETT ALL-STARS BY 3

 

Wasted Potential vs The Bambs (+2) – This is a game that can go either way, but I think Wasted Potential can score a little better here. WASTED POTENTIAL BY 8

 

University Wealth Management vs Show Me Dem TDs (+1) – Hard to not make UWM the favorites here after a huge win. Let’s make it two in a row! UNIVERSITY WEALTH MANAGEMENT BY 3

 

D6:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Blitzkrieg 30, Juiced 6

Tater Tots 22, Graves Bros 20

Travis Henry’s Kids 38, The Bipolar Express 24

The Bipolar Express 19, Lenny’s Ladies 16

Spinelli’s Plumbing 38, Lenny’s Ladies 16

TMA 54, Victorious Secret 8

 

               Blitzkrieg gets back on track with a win over Juiced. It was nice to have Allie email me about how well Light Red Hoodie Guy and Tom played, but it wasn’t nice to hear that she might be sidelined for the playoffs. That can’t possibly help BK to be missing their biggest weapon. Dave Marcus from Tater Tots also emailed me, excited about the Tots first ever win over Graves Bros. He specifically gave Meg Mallon the shout out for her game winning TD catch with less than 2 minutes to go. It was a defensive battle as well. THK just scores, and they did so yet again. TMA just scores, and they did so yet again. BPX went 1-1, as Gordon got a win over Joe K with a late TD throw. Lenny’s Ladies then went out and took an early lead before falling to Spinelli’s.

 

What’s At Stake: Nothing much here either. Two teams miss the playoffs, but the Top 8 have already clinched their spots. Juiced and Victorious Secret will miss the playoff fun.

 

This Week’s Games:

Graves Bros vs Juiced (+13) – I don’t know what’s been wrong with Graves Bros lately, but this is the game that can help cure it. GRAVES BROS BY 17

 

TMA vs Lenny’s Ladies (+8) – TMA is getting a few gender games to prep for the playoffs. They seem locked into a first round matchup with Graves Bros, but with the way GB is playing, that might be exactly what they want anyway. Lenny’s Ladies made the playoffs, and could technically get as high as 5^th seed with a win and some other losses by other teams. That would place them in a first round matchup with. . . . TMA. That’s fun. TMA BY 19.

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Blitzkrieg (+10) – Two red teams face off (seriously, someone bring a different color) but THK is just a little better on both sides of the ball here. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 8

 

The Bipolar Express vs Victorious Secret (+7) – A fun Gordon vs Jordan matchup, as these two may have some sort of rivalry. This is a fun gender matchup to close out the season. THE BIPOLAR EXPRESS BY 3

 

Tater Tots vs Spinelli’s Plumbing (EVEN) – The D6 regular season title is at stake here for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Spinelli’s scores more, but they also allow more points. The points differential is literally 132-130. That’s crazy. Big matchup to end the season. Defense wins championships. TATER TOTS BY 2.

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Victorious Secret (+17) – THK is rolling and they’ll be able to put up numbers whenever they want to in this one. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 20.

 

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1. Who’s going to shave Garrett’s head? I’ve already heard that we’ve cleared the $2000 plateau! Congrats to everyone that’s donated to a good cause! All bids will be counted throughout Saturday in order to reach the GET GARRETT A TSL TATTOO tier of $5000! If you’re considering donating, please do it by the end of the day on 6/12!

 

2. Who are the teams that people are still sleeping on? I think it’s pretty clear that people aren’t paying enough attention to the Jabronies and Puckett All-Stars.

 

3. Will we have any upsets heading into the playoffs? After the Zack Attack loss, anything is possible. The only real upset would be in D2, if Bullet Club loses and Scared Hitless and Passed Our Prime win. I think technically BC could miss the playoffs even though they beat both teams in the three way tie. Drama!

 

4. Who is going to win the Breakfast Club championship? I know the Great White Clarkes are the heavy favorites, but Topper always has some magic in that noodle arm of his in odd years.

 

5. Even with Boccio as a QB now? Regardless of what you heard, Boccio wasn’t that great. Mr. Thompson bailed him out with his 3 (or was it 4) touchdowns. He made him look good. Brian is still the better overall QB.

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1. Let’s make sure we keep things fun and light. I know that playoff spots are on the line, but that doesn’t mean to be jerks to each other. Keep each other safe, thanks.

 

2. Lenny and Rameer Day was so incredibly awesome. The wheel was spun, we had giveaways (shout out to our Bachelorette for getting some cool merch), and the band played even longer! We need more bands!

 

3. Speaking of the Bachelorette, if anyone has any info on the future contestants for me, I’d truly love to know about it.

 

4. Breakfast Club Predictions:

               Robin’s Nest 34, Keller Whales 27

               The EMigos 40, Valkyries 30

               Peanut Butter Kelly Time 28, Drive Me CURRazy 26

               Great White Clarkes 51, Steph It Up A Notch 24

 

5. The Top Games of the Day:

               9:00 – Peanut Butter Kelly Time vs Drive Me CURRazy

               10:00 – Itches and Ohs vs Practice Squad

               11:00 – Puckett All-Stars vs ILF

               12:00 – A&A vs Scared Hitless

               1:00 – Jabronies vs Freeballers

               2:00 – Mountain Dew Me vs Bullet Club

               3:00 – Show Me Dem TDs vs UWM

 

6. Giving an extra shout out here to Garrett Beesing for really stepping up to raise money for such a good cause. His willingness to shave his head and get a tattoo have been impressive.

 

7. The podcast this week was ridiculous with how many people were on it, but I still want to hear from some more new people who haven’t been on. We haven’t even heard from some classic guests like Val Bernal either. Either way, its been a fun listen this season, and I’m glad it’s back. Makes my Monday (or Tuesday sometimes) go faster.

 

8. If you’re willing to referee, PLEASE take a moment to email Topper or Coach Jay to let them know. The more refs we have on standby the better it is for the league!

 

9. I really hope we have Breakfast Club in the fall for once. I know we try to avoid it to save the fields, but it feels like more people enjoy BC than they do their regular teams.

 

10. Excellent work on everyone who did NOT drive home drunk from the bar, be it last week, or any week. And shout out to those that prevented others from doing so as well. This might be the first time we’ve gone through an entire season without the bar hating us for something. Don’t ruin it this week. Be safe.

 

And there you have it. Week 8 is here, and it’s the last time we’ll have everyone at the fields to have a good time together until next season. Enjoy it and have fun. I’ll see you next week. Until then?

 

I’ll be in the cut.

 

-GF.

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