Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, the time has come. The Saturday you’ve all been waiting for, Championship Saturday, is here. On June 24th in the Year of Our Lord 2023, 26 of the surviving TSL teams will compete for the 7 available championships, and most importantly Social Co-Ed Football Immortality.
Championship Saturday is always bittersweet. On one hand, you get the absolute joy and happiness that comes with teams earning (and believe me, it’ll be earned) the titles of “Best Social Co-Ed Football Team On The Planet” for their respective divisions. There’s just something about teams achieving their goal of Immortality and celebrating that can warm any heart. But on the other hand, it means the end of the TSL Spring 2023 season and no football for about two months before the Fall session begins (On August 19th!). Yes, there will be the wine tournament for some of you (On August 5th!), but nothing compares to a fun Saturday of competition at the Rose Garden. But hey, at least it’s better than the 5 and half month wait between Fall and Spring. But let’s not think about that just yet.
On Playoff Saturday last week, I was SHOCKED at what I was hearing. In one of the most wide open “anybody can win these divisions” seasons in TSL History, combined with the usual upsets we get every single season, I was expecting bedlam. And in typical TSL fashion, we got the unexpected. The unexpected, in this case, was that the “expected” happened. A whopping FOUR of the Six TSL divisions went completely chalk. Seeds 1-4 are still alive in D1, D3, D4, and D6. Even Breakfast Club has its top two teams remaining. D2 only had one game, the 4-5 seed game, and Practice Squad pulled a “Practice Squad” and wiped the floor with the Freeballers in an upset. And then D5? Well, D5 gave us the craziness that we thought we’d see. The 3, 5, 7, and 8 seeds are the ones left standing in that division.
I personally can’t remember the last time we’ve had a playoff go so “to script”. But I guess that means it was bound to happen eventually. How did we get there? Who’s going to win?
Let me tell you. . .
D1:
Last Week’s Games:
#1 Sticky Bandits 45, #8 Scared Hitless 23
#2 Legends 44, #7 Grey Hair Don’t Care 29
#3 Losing Streak 35, #6 Frodo Swaggins 16
#4 Eyes Downtown 33, #5 Tight Ends In Motion 32
Even though all of the top seeds won, it wasn’t without some excitement. The Sticky Bandits took a little longer to get going than they would’ve liked in the first half before pulling away from Scared Hitless. The Legends followed suit, being down double digits to Grey Hair before getting it together and turning things around in the second half. Losing Streak didn’t have any problems with Frodo Swaggins, controlling the game from start to finish. And finally, Tight Ends In Motion apparently had a brain fart and scored a late INT TD, giving Bobby enough time to drive the field, get a gender TD with no time left, and then go for two to win the game with no time left, AND SUCCEED. A wild finish to a great game.
This Week’s Games:
#1 Sticky Bandits (8-0) vs #4 Eyes Downtown (4-4)
Points For: SB 35.00 (2nd), ED 30.25 (5th)
Points Against: SB 21.00 (1st), ED 28.75 (5th)
TSL Rank: SB 1st, ED 27th
Past Games: 30 - 28 SB
Line: Sticky Bandits (-6)
Both of these teams had interesting games last week. Sticky couldn’t figure things out early against a very game Scared Hitless team that was looking for a 2nd straight upset in the playoffs. Sticky Nation settled things down, spread the ball around, and walked to a win. Eyes Downtown should’ve lost, but TEIM shot themselves in the foot by scoring on the pick 6, and instead left the door open for a miracle comeback by Bobby and Co. ED has been playing some of their best football lately, while Sticky feels like they’ve been just playing out the string the last few weeks. However, last week woke them up. While there are rumors of Sticky injuries, I don’t think it’s enough for ED to take this one. It’ll be close though. STICKY BANDITS BY 2
#2 Legends (6-2) vs #3 Losing Streak (5-3)
Points For: Legends 34.88 (3rd), LS 35.63 (1st)
Points Against: Legends 23.88 (2nd), LS 27.38 (3rd)
TSL Rank: Legends 8th, LS 17th
Past Games: 22 - 19 Legends, 55 - 29 LS
Line: Legends (-3)
The defending champs had to get it together last weekend, but like Sticky, that was the wakeup call they needed. If they get off to a slow start against Losing Streak, it’s not going to be pretty. LS deserves a lot of credit. They were the only “top” seed in D1 to actually look the part it seems. They were humming along and having fun, and those teams are always the most dangerous on Championship Saturday. Losing Streak has the better males overall, but Legends have the better females. Joey Batts is a slight advantage over Jordan at QB, but it’s a lot closer than people think it is. This game is going to be a doozy, but in the end I think one team has it together a bit more. LOSING STREAK BY 3
The Prediction: Sticky Bandits vs Losing Streak, what a finals this will be. The top offense versus the top defense. Granted, Sticky’s offense isn’t that far behind. When these two teams met before, Sticky walked away with a 34-20 win. Both teams have a lot of talent, both teams have QBs that I feel are underestimated. These games always come with some sort of slight edge for the winning team, and I’ve been trying to find it for either side. And I keep coming back to the same thing: Sticky struggled for a half last week and I feel like they have too many distractions with injuries and impending babies while Losing Streak feels locked in and focused. It’s a slight edge, but sometimes that’s all you need in the TSL. LOSING STREAK BY 6
D2:
Last Week’s Games:
#5 Practice Squad 39, #4 Freeballers 0
Practice Squad woke up and put the Freeballers to rest.
#1 The Untouchaballs (7-1) vs #5 Practice Squad (0-8)
Points For: UT 29.38 (3rd), PS 23.25 (5th)
Points Against: UT 17.00 (1st), PS 35.88 (5th)
TSL Rank: UT 4th, PS 50th
Past Games: 28 - 23 UT, 35 - 0 UT
Line: The Untouchaballs (-14)
For a weekend, it was nice to hear about Practice Squad getting “Playoff B” and they absolutely destroyed the Freeballers. PS is at their best when their ladies are doing the damage, and that’s exactly how it went down. But now, they run into the buzzsaw that is The Untouchaballs, a team that’s played incredible defense and shut down just about everyone in the division (including a shutout of PS not too long ago). Burr and Helm have led this team on a seven game winning streak where they looked, at times, untouchable. Teams just can’t score on them, and if you can’t get points, you can’t win. Pretty simple. The Untouchaballs? They can get points too. It was fun for a week, but it's midnight, and Practice Squad is turning back into a pumpkin. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 10
#2 No Punt Intended (6-2) vs #3 Mavericks (4-4)
Points For: NPI 30.13 (2nd), Mavs 31.38 (1st)
Points Against: NPI 27.75 (2nd), Mavs 28.75 (3rd)
TSL Rank: NPI 11th, Mavs 25th
Past Games: 27 - 26 NPI, 30 - 20 Mavs
Line: EVEN
Not much separates these two teams, as the Mavericks score about a point per game more than NPI, but NPI allows a point per game less. It’s about as even as you could hope for a game, and based on the scores from the games earlier, we’re in for a good one. In a unique twist, Jordan faces off against Travis here as they do in D1’s first round as well. NPI boasts the best females in this game, with Amber Hay and Casey Lawler doing a lot of damage if left unchecked. With NPI also having Kyle Coniff to go along with JZ and Bryan Munro, they have the horses to take this game. The Mavs aren’t slouches, as all of their ladies can play (Anna and Britney for sure) but I don’t know if they can keep up with the NPI girls. The Mavs also trot out Manny Batcho, Ant Cordova, and some other guys, but it doesn’t matter because they have new league sensation Maverick Mike on their team as well. His podcast was a delight to listen to a few weeks ago. This game is going to be close, as they all are at this point, but in the end I see NPI taking it. NO PUNT INTENDED BY 1.
The Prediction: The Untouchaballs vs No Punt Intended. NPI won the first game of the season on the last play before The Untouchaballs blew them out in the second game. NPI has had a nice season, but right now D2 is all about The Untouchaballs. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 7
D3:
Last Week’s Games:
#1 Jabronies 34, #8 Vaspian 32
#2 Can’t Touch This 47, #7 Degeneration Sexy 20
#3 Bullet Club 29, #6 Let’s Get Reccked 22
#4 Wanderers 40, #5 Itches and Ohs 23
The Jabronies survived a scare from a very game Vaspian team that sounds like they were an unfortunate injury to Drew away from pulling the upset. Can’t Touch This pulled Anthony Battaglia from out of nowhere to lead them to an easy win over D-Sex. Bullet Club pulled Anthony Deak from out of nowhere to lead them to a hard fought win over LGR. And lastly the Wanderers handled business against Itches and Ohs.
#1 Jabronies (6-2) vs #4 Wanderers (4-4)
Points For: Jabronies 35.86 (1st), Wanderers 30.63 (4th)
Points Against: Jabronies 26.71 (1st), Wanderers 32.13 (7th)
TSL Rank: Jabronies 9th, Wanderers 21st
Past Games: 38 - 27 Jabronies
Line: Jabronies (-8)
The Jabronies didn’t look up to the task for a good chunk of the game last week, and they almost paid for it. As such, they now get a Wanderers team who tends to revel in playing close games. However, the only game this season the Wanderers played that was NOT a one score game? An 11 point loss to the Jabronies. I actually expect a closer game this time around, as one has to expect that the Wanderers have a trick or two up their sleeves that they didn’t show in the regular season. The Jabronies have been playing close games the last couple of weeks themselves, which is right up the Wanderers alley. At the end of the day, one team looked good last week, and one team needed a little work. WANDERERS BY 2
#2 Can’t Touch This (5-3) vs #3 Bullet Club (4-4)
Points For: CTT 35.25 (2nd), BC 28.13 (6th)
Points Against: CTT 31.13 (5th), BC 29.50 (3rd)
TSL Rank: CTT 18th, BC 20th
Past Games: 42 - 37 BC
Line: Can’t Touch This (-3)
Can’t Touch This has felt like they’ve been mowing down the competition for months now. Now they get an X Factor in Anthony Battaglia that makes them even better? Look out D3. These teams, if memory serves me correctly, have had some good games in the past, including BC’s 42-37 win earlier this year. Since that game, CTT has just been on the up and up, while BC has had more downs than ups. None of that matters much anymore. BC plays very good defense that matches up well with CTT’s “throwin’ bombs” offense. If CTT plays mistake free on offense, and the defense gets Easton/Langley (or whoever else might QB for BC) to throw a pick, that could be all she wrote. CAN’T TOUCH THIS BY 8
The Prediction: Can’t Touch This vs Wanderers. The last game was a 41-38 CTT win better known as the “broken cleat” game. This one will more than likely come down to the wire yet again. The Wanderers are a smart bunch that are going to play their game the same way they always have. At this stage for them, I don’t think they “get better” anymore. They just are what they are. Can’t Touch This though? They get better. Their girls are better every week. Ryan makes better decisions at QB. Their males are improving as well. It’s feeling like it's their time. CAN’T TOUCH THIS BY 6
D4:
Last Week’s Games:
#1 Buffalo Vice 50, #8 Creekers 30
#2 Cunning Stunts 62, #7 Cobblestone 22
#3 Puckett All-Stars 40, #6 Travis Henry’s Kids 34
#4 Passing While Intoxicated 48, #5 BAADies 36
More chalk, and it wasn’t even close (mostly). Buffalo Vice and the Cunning Stunts both put up lots of points to move on to Championship Saturday. Puckett had to make a stop on the last play of the game to survive a very spry THK. PWI played a very good game against the BAADies to move on.
#1 Buffalo Vice (6-2) vs #4 Passing While Intoxicated (5-2-1)
Points For: Vice 39.88 (2nd), PWI 36.29 (5th)
Points Against: Vice 30.50 (2nd), PWI 31.71 (3rd)
TSL Rank: Vice 6th, PWI 13th
Past Games: 43 - 25 PWI
Line: Buffalo Vice (-3)
Buffalo Vice have been on a tear as of late, and it really feels like they’re peaking at the right time. They’ve put up 50 points in 3 of their last 4 games as their offense really has started rolling. PWI hasn’t exactly been slouches in the point scoring department either, averaging over 40 points a game the last month. This is a game between two of the more underrated teams in the TSL. Buffalo Vice was ignored seemingly all season for how good they were playing. PWI continues to just roll over opponent after opponent and nobody really notices. It’s crazy to think they were FOURTH in this division, when they could’ve easily finished first. I was going to pick Vice to win, but since I’ve been wrong on both of these teams all year, I think it's smarter to go against my intuition. PASSING WHILE INTOXICATED BY 8
#2 Cunning Stunts (6-2) vs #3 Puckett All-Stars (5-2-1)
Points For: CS 37.29 (4th), PAS 42.00 (1st)
Points Against: CS 31.71 (3rd), PAS 27.86 (1st)
TSL Rank: CS 10th, PAS 12th
Past Games: 46 - 17 PAS
Line: Puckett All-Stars (-6)
Puckett tried their best to blow their game last week, nearly giving up a game tying Pick 6 with time running out. While they rebounded to win the game and get a stop, it’s pretty much been a microcosm of how the second half of the season has gone for them. They’ve gone from blowing out teams, to losing or just getting by. The Stunts, meanwhile, were 1-2 after PAS stomped them so long ago. Since then? 7 game winning streak where they just keep getting better. They just threw up 62 points last week. There may not be a team in the TSL that’s playing better than these ladies. I’ll follow the current trends. CUNNING STUNTS BY 7
The Prediction: Cunning Stunts vs Passing While Intoxicated. Both teams are playing so well. In fact, all the teams remaining in this division are in the Top 13 of the Topper TSL rankings. It’s pretty impressive. PWI is absolutely up to the task of taking on a gender team, as they proved last weekend. PWI is very good at in-game adjustments as well. The Stunts, however, are just on fire. Historically, that means an upset (if you can call it that) is the way things go, but Playoff Saturday has shown us that sometimes you just have to take the favorites. CUNNING STUNTS BY 3
D5:
Last Week’s Games:
#8 TMA 42, #1 GUCCI 37
#7 Not So Sticky 33, #2 Come From Behind 14
#3 Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 45, #6 Goatsack! 35
#5 Long Balls 36, #4 Tater Tots 29
Craziness reigns supreme in the D5 playoff tournament as 3 of the 4 top seeds go down. TMA enlisted the services of Jeff May at QB and he led them to a huge upset over GUCCI. Not So Sticky waited until the playoffs to score over 30 points this season, as their defense held CFB in check in their upset victory. ILF was the only “favorite” to win as they took care of Goatsack!. And the Long Balls got a win over the Tots in another good game between these two teams.
#3 Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (4-4) vs #8 TMA (2-6)
Points For: ILF 25.13 (4th), TMA 22.50 (6th)
Points Against: ILF 21.63 (2nd), TMA 26.88 (6th)
TSL Rank: ILF 24th, TMA 44th
Past Games: 34 - 7 ILF
Line: Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (-6)
ILF becomes the de facto “top seed” after a whirlwind Playoff Saturday for D5. Ever since they made the switch at QB, ILF has been hot offensively. Adding in a defense that trots out Alex Baker and Andrew Kicak, and you get a hell of a mix going on here. ILF is just really solid all around. TMA played like TMA for the first time in two months. They played well on both sides of the ball, and they were in trouble, they threw to Ron Webber, which has never, ever, been a bad decision. With GUCCI focusing more on preventing gender TDs (understandably) they left the perennial TSL All-Star do what he does best: make plays. TMA won’t have that same luxury against an ILF team that knows how to play them. I think they’ll give ILF a better game than 34-7, but I don’t know if they’ll be able to beat them. INTERDIMENSIONAL LIGHTNING FALCONS BY 10
#5 Long Balls (3-4-1) vs #7 Not So Sticky (3-5)
Points For: LB 22.63 (5th), NSS 17.63 (8th)
Points Against: LB 28.50 (7th), NSS 24.00 (4th)
TSL Rank: LB 29th, NSS 40th
Past Games: 18 - 7 NSS
Line: EVEN
There’s going to be a team that’s under .500 playing in the title game. That’s always fun. The Long Balls deserve some credit. As a new team, expectations were always lower for them, but they’ve gone and made strides this season. Regardless of how it ends, this season should be considered a successful one. NSS shocked the world last weekend (including themselves, I’m sure) with the win over CFB. Somehow, things can only get easier for them? I don’t think the Long Balls will be able to score much on the NSS defense, so it all comes down to the NSS offense, which has finally figured something out the last two weeks. If they can keep it going, they’ll find themselves in another title game. NOT SO STICKY BY 3
The Prediction: ILF vs Not So Sticky. This is a fun one. NSS took a 15-14 win back in the beginning of the season, but these teams have gone in different directions since then. Things have really set up nicely for ILF on Championship Saturday, and I think they’ll do enough to take home the title. INTERDIMENSIONAL LIGHTNING FALCONS BY 7
D6:
Last Week’s Games:
#8 Mighty Drunks 29, #9 Back That Pass Up 0
#1 Southside 48, #8 Mighty Drunks 41
#2 Two Tuddies 34, #7 Pit Harade 14
#3 Sausage McMuffins 22, #6 Blitzkrieg 6
#4 Grass Eaters 45, #5 Balls Deep 43
The Mighty Drunks won the 8-9 seed game pretty handily before giving Southside all they could handle in their game. Southside was up to the challenge though and found a way to win as they’ve done all season. The Tuddies handled Pit Harade pretty easily. The McMuffins figured out how to win football games again, getting by Blitzkrieg. And the Grass Eaters held on to defeat Balls Deep by 2 points.
#1 Southside (7-1) vs #4 Grass Eaters 5-3)
Points For: Southside 37.00 (1st), GE 33.50 (2nd)
Points Against: Southside 15.38 (1st), GE 27.00 (4th)
TSL Rank: Southside 2nd, GE 15th
Past Games: 43 - 16 SS
Line: Southside (-10)
Southside had to earn that win last week against the Drunks, and they’ll have to do the same against the Grass Eaters. Remember that in Southside’s 43-16 win against GE this season, GE was without Steve Moser, who is easily the best QB Southside will face all season. There’s a reason GE is 2nd in league scoring, and it’s because Steve knows what he’s doing. He’ll do a good job against SS, it just depends on how SS adjusts. Southside will more than likely score at will, which means Steve will be looking for Rylee Moser in the end zone just about every single time. If SS keeps tabs on her, they’ll move on. SOUTHSIDE BY 12
#2 Two Tuddies (7-1) vs #3 Sausage McMuffins (5-3)
Points For: TT 32.71 (2nd), SM 27.14 (5th)
Points Against: TT 17.14 (2nd), SM 25.71 (3rd)
TSL Rank: TT 3rd, SM 14th
Past Games: 21 - 0 TT (forfeit)
Line: Two Tuddies (-8)
The football gods have smiled upon us once more. After the much anticipated Tuddies - McMuffins game was canceled due to forfeit, we’re getting it in the playoffs now! In reality D6 is pretty much Southside, Two Tuddies, and then everyone else. The Tuddies are on an 8 game winning streak since losing Week 1. They’re on fire. They get contributions from everyone on their roster and they continue to get better each week. The McMuffins have had a great first season, but there have been some kinks as of late. Yes, they looked good against Blitzkrieg but 22 points isn’t going to cut it against the Tud Buds. The McMuffins look to be the D6 favorites next year….once the Tuddies are gone. TWO TUDDIES BY 13
The Prediction: It was always going to be Southside and the Two Tuddies, wasn’t it? These two future D5 teams have been on a collision course since their first meeting in Week 1, and both have gotten better and better along the way. These two teams are pretty closely matched, but I feel like overall Southside has a slight advantage in speed and athleticism and I think that will be the difference. SOUTHSIDE BY 7
FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:
TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:
The Race For Social Co-Ed Football Immortality is nearing the finish line. Who’s going to cross it first? Good luck out there.
-GF OUT