Week 8 TSL History Review, thoughts, picks, advice and stuff

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Category: The Godfather's Picks

Created: Friday, 03 June 2022 13:17

Published: Friday, 03 June 2022 13:17

Written by Patrick McGovern

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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, on Saturday, June 4th you will converge on the Fields at the Rose Garden to play in what is already Week 8 of the TSL Spring 2022 season. While the games will be fun and competitive, they will undoubtedly take a backseat to the first ever Official TSL Holiday: 

 

Lenny and Rameer Day! 

 

This is one of the hardest and easiest articles I ever have to write. You see, I’ve been informed that not everyone in the league knows WHY we have a Lenny and Rameer Day. So while the action on the field will be fantastic, I’m going to take a second to explain why Saturday is so important. This is mostly for the newcomers to the league, of course. The rest of you already know who we’re celebrating. 

 

I’ll try my best to keep it brief. I’ll most likely fail. 

 

To those that don’t know, Lenny Alba was the Commissioner for Life of the TSL. He was Topper’s best friend and he was a huge catalyst in why we even have a league in the first place. It’s pretty safe to say that there’s no TSL without him. Lenny had a larger than life personality, and he spoke about as fast as Speedy Gonzales on cocaine. Lenny would seek out TSLers, especially newer ones, to talk to and get to know. To make you feel included. He was the puppeteer of the TSL, creating storylines and making people “TSL Famous” for no reason other than he saw “She’s All That” the night before and figured he could do the same. And he did, just ask Mike Boccio. He had a knack of knowing what was going on in just about every TSL game, and he would talk about it. The reason the TSL banquet is so ridiculous? Lenny. The reason B’s Brother is a National Treasure? Lenny. He’s the reason we have a podcast, just so more people can get involved with the league (and maybe so he could further his own story lines). He had a big heart, and once he got to know you, you were in trouble. Many TSLers reading this have been assaulted by rapid fire text message conversations with Lenny, who described himself as a “14 year old girl” when it came to texts. Even more TSLers have had a moment where they looked at their phone to see who was calling, saw it was Lenny, and immediately cleared their schedules for the next two hours, because there was no such thing as a short phone call with Lenny Alba. He loved this league like no other, especially his Public Enemy family. The joy in his voice when we’d have our weekly conversations for this article when it came to them was nearly vomit inducing. I’m sure some of you will read this on Friday. Don’t ever forget how much he loved you guys. For me, as life took me away from the league that I enjoyed and moved me to Des Moines, Iowa nearly a decade ago, Lenny still kept in touch. He had me write this article, and every week we’d talk forever about the games so I’d have enough info. Did he occasionally tell me who to write about? Maybe. Did he suggest that I write like a rabid 7 year old so that people would think he was doing it? Perhaps. Remember, The Godfather doesn’t wear glasses. Lenny did. He couldn’t have been me. But a lot of you sure believed he was. And that was the beauty of Lenny. He toed the line of what people thought things were and what they really are so perfectly. He was a generous human being that pulled off enough stunts in the TSL’s history that even over three years since his death, there’s a glimmer of uncertainty in many TSLers’ minds whether or not he faked his own death just to see if he could do it. It can’t be ruled out. 

 

The Yin to Lenny’s Yang, however, was Rameer Green. Whereas Lenny would be loud and boisterous, always laughing and smiling, Rameer would be a bit more tame, and he’d wear his signature scowl as he roamed the sidelines or hung out at the bar. But don’t get that confused with him being a full on curmudgeon (although, he has told me before that he can indeed be one). Rameer earned his nickname of “Dirtiest Player in the Game” by perhaps taking liberties with some of the rules while he was on the field, and he’d be the first person to steal a great player for his team. Rameer would work his way into becoming the Director of Officiating for the league, and he became the all important ‘3rd man’ in the TSL management world, often casting the deciding vote in the various Topper vs Lenny debates on anything from rules, to suspensions, to if we should have limbo contests to determine who gets the ball. He was a cool head in a sometimes chaotic world, who would be reasonable most of the time. He cared so much about making sure the refs were up to date that anytime there was something wrong or a change that was made, the refs knew that they were going to open a 20,000 word email about something that could’ve been explained in 20 words. Ask them. But where Rameer excelled the most was with the people. Rameer worked his way into being the TSL’s unofficial welcoming committee. A very, very high percentage of TSLers’ “first person they met that they didn’t know before coming to football” is Rameer. He would find players who were “balling out” in the lower divisions in order to get to know them, or more than likely try to get them on his team. Sometimes it was because they could play, other times it was because they looked really good in yoga pants, but either way he reached out to many people. Rameer also went out of his way to make people feel included. But where Lenny would be a huge personality about it, Rameer would have that lowkey one on one with you. He’d really connect with you on a deeper level. Behind that scowl lied a heart of gold, and he truly got to know someone. When “league drama” would occur, Lenny would make a spectacle of it to make people laugh and we move on from it. Rameer would sneak in behind the scenes while the others were distracted to make sure you were okay. He was as genuine as they come. 

 

Their styles may have been nearly direct opposite most of the time, but the goals remained the same: be invested in the people. Take care of them. The whole reason the TSL is a family is largely because these two men made it that way. 

 

Sadly, tragedy struck the TSL in March of 2019. Lenny had some health issues he was working on, and while the prognosis was improving, he passed away in his sleep. It was the lowest point in league history, and a blow not many people were 100% sure we’d survive. But we did. The TSL as a whole stepped up to help try to fill the void Lenny left. Rameer would assume ‘#2’ duties and become an even bigger voice in the league. He did an amazing job with that, and despite everything that happened with Lenny, the league was stronger than ever because of Rameer’s efforts. We had survived our darkest days. I got to know Rameer a lot better during these days as he took it upon himself to feed me information to keep the article going strong, and I’d like to say it did. And just when things seemed to be getting back to normal for us, we found out Rameer had cancer. He had to have some surgeries, and he even lost an eye in the process. But he fought and he fought it hard. Covid had just started, and we had to cancel the Spring 2020 football season. It took away the ability for most of us to see Rameer when he needed us the most. Sadly, on June 4th, 2020, Rameer lost his battle with cancer. It was Lenny’s birthday. 

 

So that’s why tomorrow is so important to the league. We’re celebrating the two most important “Non-Topper” people in league history. Celebrating their lives, their friendship, and the lasting impression they’ve left on all of us. Neither of them would want this attention, which is exactly why Topper is giving it to them. 

 

When you’re listening to the band, or getting B’s Brother’s autograph, or eating ice cream, or hopefully getting some drink specials at the bar, or whatever else Topper has planned for the day, just remember to raise a glass to Lenny and Rameer. Even if you never got to know them personally, their presence is all around this league. Have fun, because that’s what they’d want you to do. 

 

With that, ‘get to this week’s action. Remember that with the many, many crossover D1-D2 games, we’re just combining them. 

 

D1/D2:

 

Last Week’s Crossover Games:

 

Tight Ends In Motion 34, Dilfs 23

Sticky Bandits 48, The Notorious BNB 14

Legends 43, When Dove Cries 14

Eyes Downtown 49, Bullet Club 16

 

Well, there goes any chance the league has of adding multiple teams to D1. In a perfect world, we would’ve seen a few upsets to show that D2 teams can absolutely hang with D1 teams. That isn’t the case here at all. Despite a valiant effort from the Dilfs, the other teams have lost in some sort of 40+ points to two touchdowns fashion. While I had been told they all start close, the D1 teams put their foot on the gas and rocked the second half. Not the best day for management. 

 

Last Week’s D2 Games: 

 

Gray Hair Don’t Care 24, Passed Our Prime 23

Scared Hitless 29, When Dove Cries 24

 

Scared Hitless remains the class of D2, putting up another win within their division to pull closer to the 1st overall seed. The problem is that the team right behind them is Grey Hair now, who, after a 4th straight win this season, is the only D2 team to beat Scared Hitless. That means they hold the tiebreaker, and they only sit one game behind. Exciting stuff brewing in D2. 

 

This Week’s Crossover Games: 

 

Eyes Downtown vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+10) - The hottest team in D1 takes on the hottest team in D2. Grey Hair needs this game in order to chase down Scared Hitless for the #1 seed in D2, and a loss to ED would clinch it for SH. Eyes have been so good lately, and they’re dialed in. Grey Hair’s win streak looks less impressive when you see they’ve been winning by one point. They’re not ready for this one. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 14

 

Legends vs Passed Our Prime (+14) - The “Sean” Bowl. I’m not sure which team he’ll decide to play for, but POP needs him more. There’s a world where POP can win a multi-team tiebreaker for the #1 seed. The Legends can win the #1 seed themselves, but their “bye” comes in the form of playing Tight Ends In Motion. There’s just a talent disparity here. LEGENDS BY 10

 

Scared Hitless vs Tight Ends In Motion (EVEN) - The worst D1 team vs the best D2 team is a very intriguing matchup here. I’m quite interested to see how these two match up. SCARED HITLESS BY 8

 

This Week’s D2 Games:

 

When Dove Cries vs Bullet Club (+8) - If Bullet Club is going to avoid going winless on the season, this would be the game for them to do it in. Neither team has been impressive, they’re a combined 1-13 on the season, and the win was WDC beating BC in their previous meeting. WHEN DOVE CRIES BY 12

 

DILFs vs The Notorious BNB (+7) - Both teams are coming off crossover losses, but one team looked competent while the other looked a bit rough. BNB might have a backup QB throwing for them as Alex had a child (congrats!), which means it doesn’t look good for BNB here. DILFS BY 14

 

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Sleezin Szn 34, Freeballers 26

The Untouchaballs 46, Buffalo Vice 21

Show Me Dem TDs 36, Sleezin Szn 34

Frodo Swaggins 38, 4th And Something 28

Itches and Ohs 36, Show Me Dem TDs 35

 

Naturally, the Freeballers have a huge week and fall on their face immediately after, giving Sleezin their first win. Sleezin would go on to lose a nail biter to SMDTDs, who would then go on to lose a nail biter against Itches and Ohs. The Untouchaballs bounced back nicely with a big win over Buffalo Vice, which gave us our #1 vs #2 female matchup in Melanie vs Caitlyn. Fun fact, most people gave the edge to Caitlyn. Perhaps we need a new ranking sooner than we thought. Finally, Frodo Swaggins helped 4th&S continue their slide, walking away with a win. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Itches and Ohs vs Sleezin Szn (+3) - Both teams still feel a little shaky this season, so this is a big game on both ends as they look to head into the playoffs with a bit of a win streak. ITCHES AND OHS BY 2

 

The Untouchaballs vs Sleezin Szn (+10) - Getting this juggernaut of a team heading into the back half of a double header just doesn’t sound fun for anyone. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 17

 

Frodo Swaggins vs Show Me Dem TDs (+10) - Don’t look now, but SMDTDs is starting to play good football, and the results are due to turn in thier favor, right? Add into the fact that Frodo is getting too close to the top of the standings again, and that usually means they’re in for a let down. SHOW ME DEM TDS BY 4

 

Freeballers vs Show Me Dem TDs (+8) - The high of winning against Frodo (maybe) won’t matter here. After suffering a let down last week, look for the Freeballers to fix what didn’t work last time and get it moving in the right direction this time around. FREEBALLERS BY 19

 

Itches and Ohs vs 4th And Something (+6) - I think the trash talk in this game could be top notch, but right now there’s nothing that makes me want to pick 4th and Something in a game. Not until the playoffs anyway. ITCHES AND OHS BY 10

 

Freeballers vs Buffalo Vice (+20) - Okay, I have inside information that Vice is going to be super shorthanded from Dan. It was going to be close but I’m not sure Vice can come anywhere near Freeballers very short handed. FREEBALLERS BY 17

 

D4:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

TOX 28, Varsity Has Beens 27

Can’t Touch This 35, XMD 34

ILF 38, TOX 23

Spinelli’s Plumbing 22, Vaspian 16

Puckett All-Stars 48, Today’s Feast 19

Practice Squad 34, Zack Attack 24

 

TOX needed a big win to stay alive for the playoff race and got it! But then they fell short against ILF and I believe that eliminated them from playoff competition. Can’t Touch This remains the TSL’s hottest team with ANOTHER victory, this time over XMD. Spinelli’s got a win in those cursed jerseys to end the losing streak over Vaspian, who’s starting a losing streak of their own. Puckett just dominated Today’s Feast as they round into shape of being the first round underdog that wins in the playoffs. Finally, Practice Squad wins again, putting Zack Attack in their place, and currently out of the playoffs. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Puckett All-Stars vs Varsity Has Beens (+10) - VHB has played well for a brand new team, but not quite well enough. Here’s hoping they’re learning and will be back in the fall. They need to win out to go 4-5 and have a shot at the playoffs, but it doesn’t look likely when you consider just how good PAS has been. PUCKETT ALL STARS BY 10

 

Can’t Touch This vs International Lightning Falcons (EVEN) - A very even matchup pitting the 22nd and 23rd ranked teams in the TSL. CTT has a Differential of +2, ILF is at -6. They’re both 4-3. This is going to be a great game, and one that will determine which of these teams is actually for real. CAN'T TOUCH THIS BY 2

 

Zack Attack vs Today’s Feast (+10) - This is a true “Loser leaves town” match, as both of these teams need a win to keep their playoff hopes alive. A loss would give the winner the tiebreaker edge and almost certainly prevent the other from passing them in the standings. There’s a bunch at stake here. ZACK ATTACK BY 12

 

Cunning Stunts vs Spinelli’s Plumbing (+7) - Spinelli’s COULD keep pace with the Stunts but there’s nothing they’ve been doing lately that suggests that they will. We haven’t seen SP struggle to score and win games like this since 2020 or so. The Stunts roll on. CUNNING STUNTS BY 3

 

Vaspian vs TOX (+8) - TOX is playing better for sure, and they’re catching Vaspian at the right time as Vaspian has looked a bit shaky the last few weeks.  On the other hand, maybe TOX is the cure for what ails them. VASPIAN BY 3

 

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

716 15, Passing While Intoxicated 14

Not So Sticky 77, Two Tuddies 16

 

Only two D5 games last week, and they were something. 716 picked up another win over PWI in a game where both offenses really struggled. On the other side of the coin, Not So Sticky scored 77 points with Christine Krol playing QB, which is a real fantastic story there. I guess both teams played with female QBs for fun. Looking forward to their probable 8-9 matchup in the playoffs. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Come From Behind vs Passing While Intoxicated (+9) - PWI just feels a bit off here, and their offense hasn’t done too much at all this season. It’s common for a new team to struggle as they acclimate to the TSL life. CFB, meanwhile, has played in this league since the beginning of time. They know how to play the game. COME FROM BEHIND BY 19

 

TMA vs Two Tuddies (+16) - The worst thing for a team that’s finding their way on offense is to have to play a team that’s been known for their awesome defense for like 6 seasons. TMA BY A MILLION (or 17). 

 

716 vs Tater Tots (+7) - The Tots’ biggest weakness this season has been their offense, which was marred by injury early on. 716 hadn’t really had a problem scoring until last week’s 15 point output. If the Tots can slow the 716 offense, they’ll be able to pull out a victory. TATER TOTS BY 1

 

Red Zone Mafia vs Not So Sticky (+8) - Word is that NSS will be completely Krol-less this week, which means the inmates are running the asylum there. With no direction, look for RZM to keep up their nice season so far. RED ZONE MAFIA BY 17

 

Cobblestone vs Red Zone Mafia (+12) - Darryl Carr, QB Superstar is ready to take on some of his former teammates of the past here with his new superteam. I’m not sure I like RZM’s chances here. COBBLESTONE BY 20

 

D6: 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Woodpeckers 28, Blitzkrieg 22

Travis Henry’s Kids 40, Woodpeckers 33

Lenny’s Ladies 45, Lettuce Win 38

Southside 25, Blitzkrieg 18

 

You know when you break up with someone and you don’t want to see them thriving after? That’s sort of how I feel when I see Blitzkrieg losing two more games this week. It hurts a bit because I still care, but until they change for me, I have to watch from afar. The Woodpeckers beat BK and then gave THK a run for their money before ultimately losing. Lenny’s Ladies got a win over Lettuce Win in the 3rd game those teams have played. Finally, Southside scraped together a win of their own against Blitzkrieg. 

 

This Week’s Games: 

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Southside (+40) - The last time these two teams played, THK won by a landslide and the game had to stop early. After that performance only a few weeks ago, it’s hard to believe in Southside here. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 27

 

Woodpeckers vs Lettuce Win (EVEN) - The Peckers have been playing some decent football this season, even if they weren’t all translating to wins. Lettuce Win has been doing the same too, and it appears they have a new league superstar in the making with “The Iceberg” who is apparently 6’7, can jump 12 feet in the air, and catches everything. The Woodpeckers do have Dan Farinacci who can cover him though, so that could be a fun matchup. WOODPECKERS BY 8

 

Lenny’s Ladies vs Blitzkrieg (EVEN) - There’s always close games with these two, including earlier this season. However it’s seeming like BK usually pulls it out as of late. Hard to go against that. BLITZKRIEG BY 18

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1.      What will Lenny and Rameer Day entail? While i’m sure there’s more that Topper didn’t even tell me, there will be a band playing from 12-4, he’ll have some TSL merchandise available for sale (including some “surprise stuff”, whatever that means), there’s an ice cream truck coming, I believe the wheels will be spinning for shots, and I’m sure there will be a dunk tank. He also claims Thurman Thomas will be at the fields as well. It’s going to be so much fun. 

 

2.      Who’s the hottest player in the league? Let me tell you about Johnny F’N Football, who took it upon himself to email me and let me know that he’s on the hottest team in D1 AND in D2 and he’s called his shot that he’s going to win both titles. Who can stop him? 

 

3.      Have you subscribed/followed our Social Media yet? Remember, the TSL Podcast is now on Spotify, and we can use more follows and likes on Facebook (Topper Sports, LLC), instagram (@topper_sports_league), and Twitter (@toppersportsllc). The more you interact with the league, the more we’ll know what you want. 

 

4.      I’ve heard rumors that B’s Brother is doing his own Top Females List, is this true? B’s Brother was the originator of the Top Females In The League list, and from what I hear he’s allegedly working on his own list. Genius like this takes time, so we must wait for him. 

 

5.      Can I be on the podcast? Many people want to be on the podcast I hear, but it seems like guests have been harder to come by. Talk to Joe K, Topper, Krol, Trish or whoever and get on the show! 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1.      Breakfast Club Predictions: 

a.      Trish’s Tiny Disasters 37, Dominatrix 34

b.      Jennatalia 35, The Escourts 24

c.      Liddle Deaks 41, Steph Infection 38

 

2.      Here are the Top Games this week: 

a.      9:00 - Eyes Downtown vs Grey Hair Don’t Care

b.      10:00 - Itches and Ohs vs Sleezin Szn

c.      11:00 - When Dove Cries vs Bullet Club

d.      12:00 - Tight Ends In Motion vs Scared Hitless

e.      1:00 - 716 vs Tater Tots

f.       2:00 - Lettuce Win vs Woodpeckers

g.      3:00 - Red Zone Mafia vs Cobblestone

 

3.      I’ve heard reports that Cookie and Elmo are currently on strike and are in intense negotiations with Topper on new contracts. Will they show up to the fields? 

 

4.      Your Lenny and Rameer Day weather forecast looks to be about 65 degrees and sunny! Perfect football day! 

 

5.      The Wine Tournament is August 13th and teams are starting to form up. It’s limited availability so don’t delay in signing up whenever Topper opens registration!

 

6.      Again, if you have more to say about your team’s games and can give info about your players, hype them up like the others do and email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. !

 

7.      Also, I want to do a “mailbag” type article next week, so take a second to fire off some questions to me about the league and see if you make the article! I want to know what’s important to YOU. 

 

8.      I see we have even more TSLers stepping up and refereeing this weekend, thank you all for helping make this league the best in the business. 

 

9.      The Race for Social Co-Ed Football immortality is going to be intense as we get closer and closer to playoffs. Please remember to not be a “Travis” and yell at the refs, or other players, or be a bad sport in general. Nobody wants that. You’ll be punished accordingly. 

 

10.  If everyone brings a lawnmower to the fields this week, we’ll probably be able to have the grass properly cut for such a big day. Just to be safe. Bring a lawnmower, get a beer from Topper.

 

And that will do it for this week, everyone go out and celebrate Lenny and Rameer Day as best as you can this Saturday. Drink, laugh, and tell stories. That’s what they would’ve wanted: everyone together, as a family. Who knows? Maybe I’ll show up for it. 

 

-GF OUT

Week 6 Thoughts, Picks Predictions & Stuff

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Category: The Godfather's Picks

Created: Friday, 20 May 2022 11:33

Published: Friday, 20 May 2022 11:33

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 8739

 

We’ve gotten over the hump, TSLers.

 

The TSL #Spring2022 Season is now officially on the backend of the regular season. I know, it seems like just yesterday that the hope and wonder that every new season has was upon us. 

 

Not anymore. As I’ve said before, we’ve really begun to see who teams are. Some teams’ early misfires have been erased with some wins (Can’t Touch This), yet others still can’t get anything together (Bullet Club). That works both ways of course, with some really hot starts looking like they were prophetic of what was to be (Cobblestone), while others look like their early success was perhaps a farce (Spinelli’s Plumbing). 

 

With most teams having played half their games (as somehow it's Week 6 and handful of teams have only played THREE games!), it can only mean one thing: It’s time for the Updated Championship Odds! 

 

Let’s get right to work and discuss who’s clearly winning the championship. 

 

D1:

 

Odds To Win The Championship: 

 

Legends (3-1)

Eyes Downtown (6-1)

Sticky Bandits (10-1)

Tight Ends In Motion (20-1)

 

The Synopsis:  The Legends come in as the favorites still, but they’re not punishing D1 as previously thought. My various sources say this comes as a result of not always having their high caliber players available, and Travis’ play bringing down the more talented players around him. Eyes Downtown figured out whatever they needed to figure out early on, and have been winning since, going 3-0. The team is firing on all cylinders, making them ready to steal the D1 crown. Sticky Bandits have put up more of a fight in D1 this year than ever before. I’m not sure Mike Thomas was the best QB overall when he was named that in the early season, but don’t let that distract that he’s really damn good. The Sticky offense is the best it’s ever been, but conversely, that defense might be at its worst. If they don’t figure something out, they’ll be on the outside looking in. Finally, and this feels weird to say, Tight Ends is the worst team in D1 right now. I’m sure that’s got everything to do with bringing Ben Stack back onto the team. We’ve mentioned before that if they didn’t overcome the big, big losses they’ve had on the roster this year, they’d be in trouble, and now I hear they even have issues getting any women to the fields, after routinely rolling out 5 of them. 20-1 odds might have been too nice, but I didn’t make them. 

 

Midseason Prediction: Eyes Downtown upsets the Legends in the championship. 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Sticky Bandits 33, Scared Hitless 30 (Crossover Game)

Legends 38, Tight Ends In Motion 16

Eyes Downtown 49, Sticky Bandits 48

 

Legends beat down a sad TEIM, Sticky survives a very game Scared Hitless before dropping a heartbreaker to Eyes Downtown. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Legends vs Sticky Bandits (+3) - I think in every Sticky game you just take the points right? Its going to end up being a 1-2 point game every time. The Legends took a 30-29 win last time, and that feels about right here. LEGENDS BY 1

 

Eyes Downtown vs Tight Ends In Motion (+9) - A classic contest that pits a team that’s on fire versus a bunch of has beens on the downslope. The only difference is that there’s no way Eyes Downtown is overlooking TEIM, because they know how dangerous that can be. The train keeps rolling. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 6

 

D2: 

 

Odds To Win The Championship:

 

Scared Hitless (4-1)

Passed Our Prime (6-1)

The Notorious BNB (6-1)

DILFs (10-1)

Grey Hair Don’t Care (15-1)

When Dove Cries (18-1, but then Topper came back, so 25-1)

Bullet Club (50-1)

 

The Synopsis: Scared Hitless was 4-0, riding high into last week before dropping a game to the Sticky Bandits by 3. I don’t know what happened after that game, but the 14-0 loss to Grey Hair was VERY concerning. They’re still the best team in the division. Passed Our Prime is a super charged version of what they were before. The only difference is they have some actual difference makers on offense, with Sean and Kyle, and that’s made them even more insane to watch. The defense is still just awful, but when you can score on any play, the best defense is a good offense, I guess. The Notorious BNB is a very solid 3-1 and they’ve been playing good football, as they do. They might have the smartest team in the division, and that can always go a long way. The Dilfs are the usual up and down. They’re in most games, and as long as they learn how to count down from 5, they’ll be more than a tough out. Grey Hair is starting to “get it” and that’s exciting. With the exception of the DILFs hammering them Week 1, every game they’ve played so far has been a 1 score game, and they’ve won 3 of them, including avenging the early season loss. They’ll more than likely be in the 4-5 matchup, but that’s a scary place to be for whoever plays them. When Dove Cries has their own growing pains this season. Replacing an entire female core is always difficult, but getting Cheryl, and having Talia’s breakout season in D2 really helped. Now that Topper has finally come off the IR, we’ll really see what this team is made of in the coming weeks. Finally, Bullet Club brings up the rear. I wanted to give them a million to 1 odds, because it looks like everything in the world is going wrong for them, but realistically they’re a team with arguably more experience than anyone else in the division and them figuring things out, while unlikely, isn’t impossible. 

 

Midseason Prediction: Passed Our Prime beats The Notorious BNB for the championship. 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Sticky Bandits 33, Scared Hitless 30 (Crossover Game)

Dilfs 34, When Dove Cries 29

Passed Our Prime 27, Bullet Club 8

Grey Hair Don’t Care 14, Scared Hitless 0

The Notorious BNB 54, Bullet Club 14

Grey Hair Don’t Care 40, Dilfs 39

 

Scared Hitless goes from 4-0 to 4-2 really quickly, dropping their crossover game and then being unable to put up any points against Grey Hair. Grey Hair took their big win over SH and doubled down, beating the Dilfs on the scoreboard and in counting backwards, most notably from 10 seconds. The Dilfs would also win the earlier game against WDC, but that doesn’t matter because TOPPER PICKED OFF TRAVIS IN THE END ZONE IN HIS RETURN GAME, which honestly shouldve just given WDC the win. Bullet Club lost two games combined 81-32 and are a complete mess. BC QB Dylan threw more TDs to the other team than to his own players, in an act we can only assume was an homage to the aforementioned Topper return. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Scared Hitless vs When Dove Cries (+7) - About as much of a “must win” game for both teams as we can get in a division where everyone makes the playoffs. Scared Hitless needs a bounce back from last week while WDC needs to get a feel good win to get the ball rolling now that their leader has returned. WHEN DOVE CRIES BY 3

 

The Notorious BNB vs DILFS (Even) - This should be a close, fun game. Lots of good players involved in this one, with some of the better minds in the league. THE NOTORIOUS BNB BY 8

 

D3:

 

Odds To Win The Championship:

 

The Untouchaballs (2-1)

4th & Something (5-1)

Freeballers (7-1)

Frodo Swaggins (9-1)

Itches and Ohs (10-1)

Buffalo Vice (11-1)

Sleezin Szn (20-1)

Show Me Dem TDs (40-1)

 

The Synopsis: Death, Taxes, Jeremy Burr wins. Those are the only things that are currently guaranteed in life right now it seems. The Untouchaballs have blown out the competition and I’m excited to see what they do in D2 next season, regardless on if they win or not. 4th & Something is still having a good season, and thier only loss was to the Untouchaballs. You know they’re excited to get going on that rematch as soon as they can. As much as I talk smack about the Freeballers, they’ve played well in their three games. It’s hard to get a good read on them with such a small sample size though. Frodo is exciting as hell to hear about each week. They’re going to score, but the question will always be will they stop anyone. Itches and Ohs had its star female, Laura Streeter, call her shot on the podcast that they were going to win D3. They haven’t yet looked the part of a D3 champion, but I wouldn’t count them out. Buffalo Vice emailed me, and they’re winning now. They boast arguably the best female playing in the league today with Caitlyn Mason, and they know how to unleash her. Add into the fact that they’re finding thier rhythm on offense now, and you’re remembering that “Oh yeah, these guys destroyed D4 last year”. Darkhorse contender written all over them. Sleezin Szn has played well, but not really well enough and they might be missing a piece or two to really compete this season. Show Me Dem TDs is another team that added some star power in the offseason, but all we’ve seen so far is that they haven’t figured out how to use it. When it comes to Sleezin and to SMDTDs though, don’t forget that they’ve also only played 3 games and have some extra wiggle room to figure it out. 

 

Midseason Prediction: The Untouchaballs beat Itches and Ohs in the championship game. 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Buffalo Vice 47, Frodo Swaggins 46

The Untouchaballs 37, Show Me Dem TDs 15

 

A real light day for D3 last week that saw Buffalo Vice steal a win against Frodo in an exciting game at the last second, and then The Untouchaballs just rolled through SMDTDs in what is probably going to be a first round playoff preview at this rate. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

4th & Something vs Sleezin Szn (+7) - 4&S is looking to get back in the win column after a week off to continue what has been a pretty nice season for the Keller clan. Sleezin really does have a lot to work out before they can make some real noise. Hopefully they can find what works for them. But, this isn’t the best matchup for them. 4TH & SOMETHING BY 18

 

Buffalo Vice vs Show Me Dem TDs (+9) - Vice vs Uncle Rico’s, a tale as old as time. Okay, SMDTDs isn’t quite the time travelers they used to be, but there’s a few similar parts. As SMDTDs are trying to figure it out, like I said, Buffalo Vice already has to a degree. I have a feeling we’ll see Vice get an old school blowout win here. BUFFALO VICE BY 24

 

4th & Something vs Freeballers (+2) - The game should probably be even here. Real big matchup for D3, as if the Freeballers are going to prove anything to anyone, they’re going to need to win this game right here. A win over 4&S, even if they’re on a doubleheader, would normally solidify FB as a top contender. . . 

 

The Untouchaballs vs Freeballers (+8) - . . . but not as much as this one will. The scheduling gods (Or, Lords I guess) did Freeballers zero favors with this doubleheader of doom here. The Untouchaballs are essentially the “final boss” of D3 right now. If Freeballers can pull off this 2-0 day, I’ll write them an official apology next week. 

 

Before I forget: 4TH AND SOMETHING BY 7, THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 10

 

D4:

 

Odds To Win The Championship:

 

Vaspian (4-1)

Cunning Stunts (4-1)

Practice Squad (6-1)

Spinelli’s Plumbing (10-1)

Puckett All-Stars (12-1)

XMD (14-1)

Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (14-1)

Zack Attack (15-1)

Cant Touch This (17-1)

Today’s Feast (18-1)

Varsity Has Beens (20-1)

TOX (1,000,000 - 1)

 

The Synopsis: Good luck trying to figure out who’s going to win this mess of a Division. If you would’ve told me at the beginning of the season that both Zack Attack and the Lightning Falcons would be on the outside looking in for the playoffs, I would’ve told you you’re nuts. But that’s where we are right now. Vaspian has had a hell of a season, they’re 5-0, and they’ve beaten some big guns along the way. One of those big guns are the Cunning Stunts, who they only beat by a point, and if there’s anything harder than beating them twice in one season, i don’t know what is. Practice Squad is right behind them, but to be honest they haven’t had a difficult schedule on the way to 4-1 so far. The only big game they’ve had is against Vaspian, where they lost obviously. Spinelli’s WAS destroying anyone in their path and then they hit some sort of cosmic speed bump that’s prevented them from winning since. Puckett’s three losses, for the record are Vaspian (2 point loss), Cunning Stunts (1 point loss), and Practice Squad (4 point loss). There’s a world where they’re 5-0 and the toast of the league. Do NOT let the 2-3 record fool you. This team is a major player in D4. XMD is finding their legs a bit now as the season goes on. They’re on a winning streak, and they’re looking to continue that, but the schedule does get a little harder than it’s been. It’ll be interesting to see how this team reacts. ILF isn’t in the playoffs, but I really expect they’ll be there at season’s end. This team is too talented on both sides of the ball to not be. Zack Attack’s 15-1 odds are being nice. The offense has averaged only 13 points for 3 straight weeks now, which tells me that everyone has amnesia or they all decided to get tapeworms together to get more in shape, and instead they’re all sick from it. Whatever the case may be, this team has been the most disappointing team as of late, and they’ve played like they should be on the outside of the playoffs. It’ll be fun watching them battle back to get in there. Can’t Touch This has won two in a row now, and they told off Topper on a podcast, so right now they’re being blessed by Lenny from above. They’re figuring things out on both sides of the ball, and perhaps they have an unlikely playoff run in them? Probably not, but from all reports, QB Ryan is a stud, and that can go a long way in D4. Today’s Feast is another team that’s starting to rack up the wins and the points. They battled from “definitely missing the playoffs” to “Started from the bottom now we here”. Of course, “here” is the middle of the pack, but in this Royal Rumble of D4, that’s saying something. Here’s hoping they continue it. Varsity Has Beens was recently explained to me by one of my informants as “A couple of hockey players trying to play football” and that could explain the 1-3 start and some growing pains. Of course, that also means they’re athletic and could surprise some people. A good first season so far, with hopefully some more wins along the way. Finally, TOX is having the season from hell. Wrong division, a weak QB, and I've been told they don’t even run the bar like they used to. Sad to see. 

 

Midseason Prediction: Cunning Stunts beat Puckett All-Stars in the championship game, one of Zack Attack and ILF miss the playoffs completely. But not both. 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Can’t Touch This 46, Spinelli’s Plumbing 29

Today’s Feast 36, ILF 20

Vaspian 22, Practice Squad 15

Puckett All-Stars 32, Zack Attack 17

 

Can’t Touch This shocks the Social Co-Ed Football World by smacking the taste out of Spinelli’s mouths unexpectedly. This really shook up the division, especially since Today’s Feast dunked on ILF, and now the race to make the playoffs in D4 is INCREDIBLY EXCITING. Two playoff worthy teams will miss out on the “Top 8”. Meanwhile, Vaspian continues to roll against top challengers in the division, and Puckett gets the win they were searching for, a nice one over Zack Attack. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Cant Touch This vs Today’s Feast (Even) - A massive game for the now white hot playoff race! This game is HUGE for tiebreaker reasons, and it has Game of the Day potential. Two of the TSL’s hottest teams are going at it, and it makes me wish I wasn’t stuck in Iowa for it. CANT TOUCH THIS BY 3

 

Cunning Stunts vs XMD (+7) - The best way for us to know if XMD really has shaken off the rust or not is a date with the ladies. The Stunts are just exactly what you’ve expected of them, talented ladies that know what they’re doing. XMD has the knowledge to win the game, they just need to execute. Look for a close one, but not close enough for XMD. CUNNING STUNTS BY 3

 

Vaspian vs Zack Attack (+29) - Remember when Zack Attack was that “super good defense”? Yeah, me neither. Vaspian, however, is what Zack Attack used to be. Vicious on defense, and scoring enough points to win games. Until Zack Attack figures out offense, their playoff lives are in serious doubt here. VASPIAN BY 18

 

ILF vs Varsity Has Beens (+7) - ILF has put themselves in position to really need a victory here. A loss against the Varsity Has Beens would actually vault VHB over ILF in the standings, and that might all but guarantee that the Falcons miss the playoffs. It also would breathe life in to Varsity’s own playoff hopes, so this game is legitimately huge for both sides. You have to believe experience comes into play here though, right? ILF BY 3

 

Cunning Stunts vs Practice Squad (+6) - The Stunts don’t have as deep of a roster has they’ve had in past years. Rameer used to say having a gender team roster of 17 deep was the way to go, and the Stunts currently have a roster of 8 women. This doesn’t matter since most of the ladies are superstars, but it comes into play when Renee leaves them to play for the Squad. Practice Squad needs this game to show they’re a player for the title. Also, the league doesn’t know just how good Kyle Geertman really is, but they will. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 4

 

XMD vs TOX (+10) - XMD goes from arguably thier hardest game to thier easiest. I don’t want to slam on TOX much more than I already have. They’re full of the best TSLers, and they’re just having a very, very unlucky time. This isn’t any luckier for them. XMD BY 12

 

Puckett All-Stars vs Spinelli’s Plumbing (+8) - Here’s the “pull up a chair and watch this game” game. It’s a travesty you’ll have to wait until 3:00 for this one, but I really feel these two will put on a show. Puckett is really starting to feel it, and Spinelli’s is really starting to feel the heat. This is a big matchup for positioning, and both of these teams can run with each other. PUCKETT ALL-STARS BY 1

 

D5:

 

Odds To Win The Championship:

 

Cobblestone (2-1)

TMA (3-1)

Red Zone Mafia (5-1)

Tater Tots (10-1)

716 (12-1)

Come From Behind (12-1)

Passing While Intoxicated (20-1)

Two Tuddies (30-1)

Not So Sticky (30-1)

 

The Synopsis: Cobblestone has some real talent for the first time in a long time. Every now and then Darryl picks off people from NFL Practice Squads (or he calls people who don’t get drafted as soon as the NFL draft ends and they think they’re signing with an NFL team as an undrafted free agent) and he goes on a nice winning streak. This is one of those seasons. Of course, it’s never once brought him a championship, so maybe this is the year? Not if TMA has anything to say about it. TMA stumbled a little bit there, but they’re still having a fantastic season in D5, and they’ll be there at the end to help decided who wins this division. Red Zone Mafia has been racking up some wins and hanging tough, and they do have a win against TMA to hang their hat on. The championship seems to run through these three. The next 3 have the Tater Tots, who unfortunately have been hurt by an injury to their QB. 716 is right there, but they haven’t been anything to write home about yet. They need something to really get them to the next level. Come From Behind is lower than I would’ve envisioned early in the season, but they started out slow. They’re coming on now, and their offense is really getting it together, which is what happens when Paul Lovullo is actually there. Even at 2-4, you can’t count them out. The last three aren’t going to win the championship, probably. PWI has been fun, but they’re still new and inconsistent. Colorado Mike gets rave reviews from anyone that talks to me about him, but we need to know more about that team. Two Tuddies is a great new team in the TSL, but unfortunately, it hasn’t translated to wins JUST yet. And Not So Sticky is known more for their hatred of Mother Earth and being litterbugs than they are for doing anything notable on the field. Even in the game they tied, they stole the Tuddies first win from them at the buzzer. What a bunch of jerks. 

 

Midseason Prediction: Cobblestone beats TMA in the championship game. 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Red Zone Mafia 51, Passing While Intoxicated 12

TMA 26, Passing While Intoxicated 12

716 57, Two Tuddies 8

Cobblestone 34, Tater Tots 14

Come From Behind 34, Not So Sticky 14

 

Red Zone Mafia continues their hot streak, putting up lots and lots of points on PWI. TMA then took a win from PWI as well, dropping PWI to 0-2 on the day. 716 couldn’t be stopped by the Tuddies, and they won in a landslide. Cobblestone gets Darryl back, and wins without an issue. Not surprising at all. Come From Behind proceeded to stomp out Not So Sticky rather easily themselves. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Come From Behind vs Two Tuddies (+12) - CFB is still on the war path as they make up the ground they lost early on. They’re getting hot, while the Tuddies are just treading water and figuring things out. Not the world’s best combination. COME FROM BEHIND BY 17

 

Cobblestone vs Not So Sticky (+18) - The top team in the league versus the not so top team in the league. This should be hard to watch for the families of NSS. COBBLESTONE BY 20

 

TMA vs 716  (+9) - Hey 716, remember when I said you’ve done nothing of note really? This is your perfect opportunity to do so. TMA is playing well (it’s already their 8th game of the season??) and a win for 716 can do wonders for their standing in the “championship conversation”. TMA BY 10

 

Red Zone Mafia vs Tater Tots (+7) - RZM has been rolling, and the Tots have been scrambling. Its always tough to lose your QB though, so its sort of understandable on the Tots end. It’ll be hard for them to keep pace. RED ZONE MAFIA BY 12

 

Red Zone Mafia vs 716 (+7) - Hey 716, remember when I said you’ve done nothing of note really? This is your perfect opportunity to do so. RZM is playing well (it’ll be thier 2nd game of the weekend!!)  and a win for 716 can do wonders for their standing in the “championship conversation”. RED ZONE MAFIA BY 10

 

D6:

 

Odds To Win The Championship:

 

Travis Henry’s Kids (2-1)

Southside (6-1)

Lettuce Win (12-1)

Lenny’s Ladies (15-1)

Blitzkrieg (20-1)

Woodpeckers (20-1)

 

The Synopsis: D6 is a two horse race, and unfortunately for everyone else, the horses’ names are John and Pete. THK had a Week 1 loss to Southside but after that they’ve looked every bit the future D5 team that they are. Southside got shook up a little bit there, but they’re still the best chance anyone else has to beat THK in the title game. Lettuce Win has two blowout wins under thier belts, and they have an outside shot at scoring an upset. Lenny’s Ladies is chock full of some of the best girls in the league (look how many adorn the recent “Best Active Females List” by the Power Rankings guys) and if they’re on, magic could happen, but probably not. Blitzkrieg still has no idea who they are anymore, and they’re really going to need to get it together in these next few weeks if they’re going to have a shot. Finally, the Woodpeckers started getting things going last week, so it’ll be interesting to see if they keep the ball rolling. 

 

Midseason Prediction: It’s chalk, but Travis Henry’s Kids take it over Southside. 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Woodpeckers 28, Lettuce Win 16

 

The Woodpeckers picked up their first win of the season over Lettuce Win while the other D6 games this week were rained out at 3:00. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Woodpeckers vs Blitzkrieg (+7) - Times are hard for Blitzkrieg, that’s for sure. It hasn’t been the best season, but there’s still time to right the ship. The Woodpeckers got their first win, and they’ve only played a couple of games so far this year. It’ll be a good game between two teams needing a win. Blitzkrieg needs it more. If they lose this one, I’m not sure there’s any hope left. BLITZKRIEG BY 8

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Southside (+10) - Well, this is about as “revenge game-y” as you’ll see in D6 this season. THK is on fire, and they’re looking to avenge their earlier loss, just as Southside is still putting the new pieces in place. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 15

 

Lettuce Win vs Lenny’s Ladies (+10) - Lettuce Win blew out the Ladies 48-8 in Week 1, and as always, this week’s game will depend on which girls show up for Lenny’s. I won’t expect the same blowout, but it does seem like Lettuce Win is a matchup nightmare for LL. LETTUCE WIN BY 12

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1.      How do you feel about those Best Active Female rankings? These rankings are always subjective, and I feel like they’re all over the place right now. It’s hard to nail down rankings where some of the top females from before aren’t even playing, and others are in new spots. I guess that makes them more random. Melanie Linsmair is a fantastic player, although I think I personally would’ve voted for Caitlyn Mason. Cheryl Julicher should be higher. Katie Swanson and Emily Schilling are better than “honorable mention”. Amy Taylor too. But there’s been a wave of up and coming female talent that appear on the list (Besides Caitlyn and Melanie, there’s also slightly over ranked Amber Hay and Maddie Norton just to name a couple) which can only mean good things for the league’s future. 

 

2.      Did you hear about Travis vs Garbacz? Sadly, the most noteworthy news of the weekend came in a player blowing up at an official. It wasn’t the best of looks, but in my opinion (as I’ve poked at all article), people should be able to countdown for themselves in case the ref doesn’t. Should the ref? I don’t believe it’s a hard rule, just a cool thing to do for someone. Either way, there shouldn’t have been any delay, and there definitely shouldn’t have been any arguing afterwards. Travis, to his credit, asked for his own suspension and admitted he was incredibly wrong, per Topper. At least nobody spit on anyone. 

 

3.      Which predictions do you feel best about? Worst? Worst is the easy one, its D4. That place is a war zone and I commend those that step foot in it. As for best? Travis Henry’s Kids is too easy of a slam dunk, so to be a little spicy, I’ll go with D5 and Darryl getting that title win. I’d fly in from Iowa just to see that celebration. 

 

4.      Okay, but what are the best odds if you were to gamble on this? If you’re trying to not go chalk, and you want to bet on teams with higher odds to make “Topper Bucks”, here’s who to bet in each Division: Sticky Bandits (10-1), Grey Hair Don’t Care (15-1), Itches and Ohs (10-1), Zack Attack (15-1), Come From Behind (12-1), Woodpeckers (20-1). 

 

5.      Why no Breakfast Club odds? This week will mark the 5th week of Breakfast Club, which means everyone will have had played each other once after these games. As a result, i’ll wait for next week to get into that. 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1.      You Buffalonians were in my thoughts after the horrific events of the last weekend. I hadn’t heard if anyone from the TSL were directly affected by the tragedy, but if anyone was, I know we’re all here for each other and you shouldn’t be afraid to reach out if you need someone to talk to. 

 

2.      Topper’s answer to returning to football was to go to Florida for a week. How convenient is that? 

 

3.      With that said, big shout out and congratulations to long time TSLer Tim Dove on his marriage to his beautiful bride Stephanie. No word yet on what he’s blackmailing her with to get her to do this, but we’ll get to the bottom of this eventually. 

 

4.      The 3:00 games that were rained out last week will be rescheduled soon enough. We weren’t supposed to have a 5th field for this part of the schedule, but since the construction hasn’t started, we have an open field to play with. 

 

5.      Breakfast Club Predictions: 

a.      Jennatalia 44, Dominatrix 22

b.      Steph Infection 37, Liddle Deaks 32

c.      Trish’s Tiny Disasters 38, The EsCourts 17

 

6.      Best Games to Watch Schedule: 

a.      10:00 - Can’t Touch This vs Today’s Feast

b.      11:00 - When Dove Cries vs Sleezin Szn

c.      12:00 - Zack Attack vs Vaspian

d.      1:00 - Freeballers vs 4th & Something

e.      2:00 - Travis Henry’s Kids vs Southside

f.       3:00 - Puckett All-Stars vs Spinelli’s Plumbing

 

7.      This is your weekly reminder that Lenny And Rameer Day is June 4th. Topper has lots of plans for the shenanigans, so if there was ever going to be a day to plan to stick around the fields, THIS IS IT. 

 

8.      Big winners from the last week: Can’t Touch This, Buffalo Vice, Today’s Feast, Vaspian

 

9.      Thank you to the newest people of the league that took a few minutes to email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to give me a heads up on their games and who’s on their teams. Don’t wait, go do it now! 

 

10.  It looks like it might be a little wet on Saturday, so good luck with that. And don’t forget to follow us on Spotify, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook! YOU help the league be the best it can be. Keep supporting us! 

 

Week 6 is upon us, the games get a little chippier, the drops mean a bit more, and the touchdowns start to feel a little sweeter. Go get some. 

 

-GF OUT

Week 7 Thoughts, Picks & Stuff

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Category: The Godfather's Picks

Created: Friday, 27 May 2022 10:30

Published: Friday, 27 May 2022 10:30

Written by Patrick McGovern

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Sorry Freeballers, my bad.

 

Okay, with that nonsense out of the way, Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, we’re heading into the final stretch of the preseason for the Race To Social Co-Ed Football Immortality! This is historically a “wacky” week in the TSL because when Memorial Day weekend comes, weird things happen. Most of that is attributed to the fact that a good chunk of the league will be out of town on vacations and whatnot, so it's impossible for anyone (besides myself, of course) to predict what is going to happen. 

 

Alright fine, I owe the Freeballers a *little* more than that. I owe them a “you’re welcome”. I’m very clearly the magical inspiration that brings this team together. My words poofed whatever a Jake Valley is into existence. I made 40 Year Plan Guy play some of his best football ever (if we had Madden ratings, he’d be up to a 72!). My words somehow cause a renaissance for Talia and Jessie. And let’s not even talk about the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde experience that is the D2 vs D3 version of Dylan. The rest of them are just average dudes so I don’t know their names. Rachel Grampp is legit though. Your big wins? I did that. And you’re welcome. 

 

But also, it’s good to see a team come together and succeed. These guys and gals have been at it for a while and based off the emails I’ve received, and the messages sent my way on the podcast, it’s clear that they play for each other. The best teams in this league do. I didn’t think there was any way in hell that they’d pull off a huge 2-0 week last week, and they did it. How you ask? Well first off, I forgot that whatever team the Keller’s/Scotty Dro put together are paper tigers who look tough for 4 games and then fall of the face of the Earth. Right on cue, when I needed them most, they vanished. And then unfortunately, the sun was very clearly in Jeremy Burr’s eyes, and I can’t predict that type of stuff. So, they owe a shout out to “the sun” as well. Jokes aside, congrats Freeballers. I’m sorry I doubted you. 

 

But I look forward to betting against you in the playoffs. 

 

Speaking of interesting times in the TSL, did anyone see this “Best Males in the League” list? I know I haven’t been at the fields consistently for years, but it feels like just about everyone on that list hasn’t done anything of note. Look at this: 

 

Sean - What has this guy done besides be really athletic? He’s like that guy you take off the board early in fantasy leagues because he SHOULD be good, but in reality, he ends up as the 10th best WR overall. His teams are under performing. How is he #1? 

 

Boccio - This is a good pick, if it were three years ago. This is just a shell of the performer we all used to love. He misses games now, and he looks as though he’s only playing on the team because Diana told him he had to just so Travis would shut up and stop asking. 

 

Derek - Tight Ends In Motion is 1-5. Just because you’re tall and handsome doesn’t mean you’re a top player in the TSL. Look at Topper. 

 

Adrian - Thank god they didn’t take QB play into account here. 

 

Chris Nelson - What’s the point of #FreeingChrisNelson when he doesn’t do shit on the fields if he even shows up at all? Someone misses D4, I’m sure. 

 

Stoner Dave - Oh, the ACTUAL top player on TEIM appears on the list. 

 

Nick Voss - What the hell is a Nick Voss? Seems like a sneaky good pick. Guys with short names always are.

 

Kyle Conniff - Get real. The only thing that disappeared faster than the days of Kyle controlling a D1/D2 game has been his hair. 

 

Drew Colosimo - We get it, he’s tall. Hampered by Topper, probably. 

 

Andy Smegma - Couldn’t make the NFL, couldn’t make Cobblestone (which is like an NFL practice squad at times) and is somehow the 4th best player on a team that’s 1-5 that also has 4 “Top 10” players? THEY’RE 1-5. I’m assuming all of TEIM voted on this list. 

 

Eric Delecki - Finally, someone good. 

 

Dave Baker - Oh, a FIFTH TEIM player in the Top 12? One for every loss this season. We’re not even sure he’s the Best Baker in the league anymore, much less a Top 20 player. 

 

JOHNNY F’N FOOTBALL - TOP 3. ANYTHING LESS IS A JOKE. 

 

Kevin Zack - There is nothing bad to be said about this man. He deserves to be higher. 

 

Keyon Elias - Who? Oh, Hogan’s Sidekick. 

 

Travis Cleavenger-Bernal - TCB is a lot of things, but he’s the 5th best option on his own team, so a Top 20 WR isn’t it. I’d say his defense got him on this list, but I’ve seen him play safety so that’s out. And it sure as hell ain’t because of his time management skills. 

 

Ron Webber - Absolutely yes. Just a class act on and off the field. 

 

Mike Rawdin - He’s just a discount Anthony Deak, and Deak shouldn’t be on this list either. They got that much right. 

 

Matt Helm - This is apparently the guy who makes the Untouchaballs good. JK, everyone knows that’s Melanie and Burr. But sure. 

 

George Lombardo - Isn’t this the guy that wasn’t very good in D5? Feels more like he’s having a career year than it being a consistent thing. 

 

Pete Wallbrandt - The biggest fish in the smallest, D6 pond. Get in a real division and let’s see where you stand. 

 

Well, there you have it TSL, your “Top 20” males, allegedly. It’s clear the only people who voted for this list are all of TEIM with a sprinkling of others in there.

 

Is this the best we can do as a league? I know that not nearly enough people vote, but are we that low on talent that this is our actual Top 20? I think we had way too many people overlooked. This is yet again a prime example of what happens when TSLers don’t participate. We get this nonsense. I’m surprised Topper didn’t make the list based off of his one catch in Breakfast Club last weekend. Maybe we can do better, maybe we can’t. It’s worth trying.

 

With that said, let’s get to the games! 

 

D1/D2: 

 

Last Week’s Games:

Sticky Bandits 35, Legends 34

Eyes Downtown 28, Tight Ends In Motion 16

 

I’m combining D1/D2 simply because we have a lot of crossover games this week, so it’s a little weird on how to format that. Anyway, D1 shows the Sticky Nation rising up and taking down the Legends in a pretty fun comeback win that has the world wondering if the Legends have the QB to win it all this year. Meanwhile, Eyes Downtown keeps on rolling as they valiantly defeat “5 of the Top 12 guys in the league” TEIM. 

 

Scared Hitless 42, When Dove Cries 20

DILFs 41, The Notorious BNB 14

 

Not a ton of D2 action last week, but we saw Scared Hitless regain their momentum after a bad week, and the Dilfs put a beatdown on BNB to really stake their claim at a D2 title. 

 

This Week’s Games: 

 

D1/D2 Crossover Edition: 

 

Sticky Bandits vs The Notorious BNB (+6) - What a fun story line! The Sticky Bandits vs the Sticky Bandits rejects that got left behind for not being “good enough” for Jeff Krol’s vision of a D1 team. Sticky is thriving, so it’s hard to imagine things going BNB’s way, but if anyone knows how to beat Sticky, it’s going to be BNB. UPSET TIME. THE NOTORIOUS BNB BY 1. 

 

Dilfs vs Tight Ends In Motion (+6) - Yeah, TEIM is so far removed from being a good team (I imagine the texts flying out to Robin, Katie’s doctor to let her come back early, and trying to convince Emily it’s really okay to play football pregnant) that they aren’t even favored. It’s not hard to see why. Dilfs have been pretty good as of late. DILFS BY 3

 

Legends vs When Dove Cries (+10) - I’d want nothing more than Topper to dial it back to 1987 or whenever it was that he was last in shape, and just drop Dimes all over the Legends. But sadly, WDC is in the middle of an off year, and the Legends need a win, which I never expected to really say until now. LEGENDS BY 16

 

Eyes Downtown vs Bullet Club (+20) - I’d make this line higher, but I’ll expect Bobby to slow things down in the second half so that nobody gets hurt for ED’s “real games” they’ll have to play in the future. A week off might’ve helped BC but playing arguably the hottest team in D1 isn’t the best test for that. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 24

 

D2:

 

Passed Our Prime vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+3) - Grey Hair has been improving each week, and with POP seemingly missing games every other week (seriously, who has 4 byes in a 9 week season?) give me the team that’s getting their reps in. GREY HAIR DON’T CARE BY 8

 

Scared Hitless vs When Dove Cries (+10) - The miracle of wine and scheduling give us a rematch one week removed from an easy SH win. Everyone is well aware of how good the SH girls are, and for WDC and their new group of ladies, it’s a complete mismatch. SCARED HITLESS BY 17

 

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

4th And Something 47, Sleazing Szn 46

Buffalo Vice 41, Show Me Dem TDs 15

Freeballers 47, 4th And Something 0

Freeballers 42, The Untouchaballs 34

 

The reign of the Freeballers as the D3 championship favorites has begun. They went 2-0 (as my apology from earlier stated) against their best competition. Now, this doesn’t guarantee them anything, as I’m sure they’re aware that The Untouchaballs are coming for them. Should make for some good football. Speaking of fun, remember when Andy Clark left Buffalo Vice for “greener pastures”? Well, instead, he got a beat down put on him courtesy of his old mates. And in the other matchup, 4th and Something slipped by Sleezin Szn, who just can’t quite get it done this season. It feels like they could use a veteran player or two to help them out. Hmm. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Freeballers vs Sleezin Szn (+7) - Logically, based off last week, Freeballers should win this games 48-0. But let’s be real here. Sleezin can play, but they just haven’t learned how to finish. Historically, once a team hits the highest of highs, they can look at an 0-4 opponent and underestimate them. They’re going to think I’m just being salty, but I’m actually inspiring another victory for Freeballers with this: SLEEZIN SZN BY 14

 

The Untouchaballs vs Buffalo Vice (+6) - The TSL’s top 2 women face off in a battle for the ages. Buffalo Vice hasn’t lost since Dan started emailing me weekly, and news flash: He did it again. Caitlyn vs Melanie, Burr vs Seth, Helm vs Gonzalez/Pizza. It’s going to be a fun one. Both teams have been hot, and this is a game of the week for sure. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 3

 

Sleezin Szn vs Show Me Dem TDs (EVEN) - Two 0-4 teams come stumbling into this week’s matchup. One of them will more than likely get their first win, but who? Honestly, this is a tale of two different 0-4 teams. SMDTDs feels discombobulated, and nothing is clicking. Sleezin just feels like if a few plays go differently, they could be 3-1. Which means: SLEEZIN SZN BY 7

 

Frodo Swaggins vs 4th And Something (+6) - Garrett vs Scotty in what can only be considered Must See TV for the smack talking alone. Frodo has been consistent. 4th And Something is starting a hell of a slide. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 3 ON THE LAST PLAY

 

Itches and Ohs vs Show Me Dem TDs (+10) - Quite the slow, quiet start for Itches and Ohs this season, but now that the hyper accomplished ladies have put school behind them (congrats!) it’s time to really focus on football. The season starts now for Itches and Ohs, and they got a good, soft opponent to whoop on to get it going. ITCHES AND OHS BY 19

 

D4: 

 

Last Week’s Games:

Can’t Touch This 43, Today’s Feast 12

Cunning Stunts 50, XMD 20

Zack Attack 18, Vaspian 12

ILF 36, Varsity Has Beens 33

Practice Squad 45, Cunning Stunts 25

XMD 26, TOX 14

Puckett All-Stars 30, Spinelli’s Plumbing 23

 

So much D4 action last week! Can’t Touch This drops another big win, this time over Today’s Feast, who got feasted on. The Stunts smacked around XMD before getting smacked by Practice Squad themselves. XMD rebounded from their Stunts loss to beat TOX in a close one. Zack Attack handed Vaspian their first loss of the season in an 18-12 barnburner that was a true battle of the defense. ILF snuck out an incredibly important victory over Varsity Has Beens that would’ve truly put them behind the 8-ball in terms of making the playoffs. And finally, Spinelli’s go to 0-3 since getting some awful new jerseys that have been very clearly cursed, dropping a close one to Puckett, who’s been awesome lately. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Can’t Touch This vs XMD (+7) - I’m not sure I’d be here making CTT a favorite, but here we are. Ryan Dougherty might be my new favorite TSLer. He sent me a VERY fired up email that his team should no longer be disrespected and the completely unfair schedule the EVIL Lord Topper gave them only made them stronger. “Topper must be sick watching our success now.” I love it. I love him. I love the fire. If this team has some talented males and an alcoholic attractive girl or two, this team has ALL of the makings of a TSL favorite. Welcome to the league Ryan, you’ve finally arrived. CANT TOUCH THIS BY 18

 

Varsity Has Beens vs TOX (+6) - A lot of things on the line here, believe it or not. First off, despite what the media tells you, TOX can still make the playoffs. But it’s imperative they win 3 of their 4 games. And a loss to VHB will put them behind them in the tiebreakers, and potentially end the season early. VHB had a big win against ILF taken from them last week. They were so close! They HAVE to win this one to sneak into the playoffs. VARSITY HAS BEENS BY 2

 

ILF vs TOX (+10) - TOX’s “yeah we have to win” games continue right here against ILF, who has been shaky at best. ILF can get to 4-3 with a win here, and considering we have a lot of 3-3 teams, a loss would be devastating. ILF BY 2

 

Vaspian vs Spinelli’s Plumbing (+3) - Vaspian finally tasted defeat last week, so they’re looking to get back into the win column asap. Spinelli’s has been looking to get into the win column ever since they first put on their awful new jerseys, which again are very clearly cursed. If Spinelli’s wises up and wears black again, they’ll win. If they’re stubborn and keep these rags, they’ll lose. I think they’ll be stubborn. VASPIAN BY 8

 

Puckett All-Stars vs Today’s Feast (+7) - Today’s Feast had been showing signs of life before getting mauled last week. Puckett has been maulers for weeks now. It’s a bad combo for TF, that’s for certain. PUCKETT ALL-STARS BY 19

 

Practice Squad vs Zack Attack (+10) - Practice Squad arrived for real last week with a big win over the Cunning Stunts. Now they get a Zack Attack team that just took down the top team in the division. PS has a real shot at the division’s #1 seed, but they have to win this one. They boast the top point differential as well. Scoring against ZA will be difficult, but not impossible. At the end of the day, they’ve got B’s Brother’s Brother throwing for them and that may be all they need. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 8

 

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Come From Behind 42, Two Tuddies 16

Cobblestone 24, Not So Sticky 0

TMA 28, 716 22

Tater Tots 25, Red Zone Mafia 20

716 19, Red Zone Mafia 6

 

Come From Behind continues to get it together, easily dispatching the Tuddies. Cobblestone continues to rock and roll in the league, shutting out Not So Sticky. 716 goes 1-1 on the day, losing a hard fought battle to TMA but they got to get into the win column with a victory over the Red Zone Mafia, who ended up 0-2 on the day as the Tater Tots brought Jeff Easton out of retirement to QB them to a victory. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

716 vs Passing While Intoxicated (+8) - 716 isn’t getting quite the love they should be this year, but they’ve been scoring a lot, and playing really good defense. PWI isn’t quite on this level yet. 716 by 7

 

Two Tuddies vs Not So Sticky (EVEN) - These teams are going to tie again, aren’t they? The Tuddies have their best shot at win this season, and I think they’re going to get it! TWO TUDDIES BY 1

 

D6: 

 

Last Week’s Games: 

 

Blitzkrieg 44, Woodpeckers 14

Travis Henry’s Kids 65, Southside 14

Lettuce Win 34, Lenny’s Ladies 25

 

Blitzkrieg remembered how to play football and beat up on the Woodpeckers. THK really, really wanted to get some revenge and just simply poured it on a Southside team that has apparently gone through another roster reconstruction after the team bailed. Lettuce Win took a fun game from Lenny’s Ladies as well. 

 

This Week’s Games: 

 

Blitzkrieg vs Woodpeckers (+10) - Not much to say here. BK just blew the Peckers out, kind of hard to not see history repeat itself. BLITZKRIEG BY 15

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Woodpeckers (+17) - THK is just burying the division and that’s not even fun anymore. At this point, with only 9 teams in D5, we should just bump them up to play in the D5 playoff tournament after the season. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 30

 

Lettuce Win vs Lenny’s Ladies (+10) - Another rematch from last week, although I believe the Ladies will have Joe K back instead of George throwing for them, which means things are only going to get worse for them. LETTUCE WIN BY 20

 

Blitzkrieg vs Southside (+10) - I don’t know much about the new new look Southside, but it didn’t look great against THK. Blitzkrieg is finding their game at the right time though, and this could be a big 2-0 week. BLITZKRIEG BY 12

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1.      Who’s Winning Breakfast Club? As I said last week, I’d have more in depth chatter about this this week. Now that everyone has played each other once, it seems like the Liddle Deaks and Jennatalia are headed towards an awesome BC final. They just standout over the others. 

 

2.      Could we actually put THK in the D5 playoffs? It’s Topper, so anything is possible. D5 only has 9 teams, so putting THK as the 10 seed could give us a fun 7-10 and 8-9 opening round to get into the playoffs there. It would definitely add some fun and intrigue. I can already hear Prim complaining, and he didn’t even read this yet. 

 

3.      Why aren’t the Legends dominating? You’d like to think that they would be, given their talent. The rumor mill this week has been all about how horrible Joey Batts is, and he’s the problem there. All of this, of course, is false. Joey Batts is one of the best QBs to ever do it. The issues clearly are with a shoddy defense, and these overrated receivers running the wrong routes. 

 

4.      Are you ready for Lenny and Rameer Day? I can’t stress enough how much fun June 4th will be at the fields. Topper has already told me that he has a band, and the dunk tank. Now Thurman Thomas is going to be there. He claims he’ll get drink specials! Once again, if you’re ever going to stay at the fields all day and have fun, this is the time to do it. 

 

5.      Who could use a win more than ever this week? Well, our winless teams for sure. Bullet Club and Sleezin Szn stand out more than the others. But with Two Tuddies taking on Not So Sticky, we’ll get one team their first win (unless they tie again), and Sleezin is taking on Show Me Dem TDs so TWO teams should get their first wins this year. TOX has a very winnable game against Varsity Has Beens as well. 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY: 

 

1.      It’s supposed to rain in the morning, so get prepared for the mud and the fun that comes with that. Here’s hoping the grass is cut. 

 

2.      Here are the best games to watch this week: 

a.      10:00 - Dilfs vs Tight Ends In Motion

b.      11:00 - Passed Our Prime vs Grey Hair Don’t Care

c.      12:00 - Buffalo Vice vs The Untouchaballs

d.      1:00 - Two Tuddies vs Not So Sticky

e.      2:00 - 4th And Something vs Frodo Swaggins

f.       3:00 - Zack Attack vs Practice Squad

 

3.      Breakfast Club predictions:

a.      Liddle Deaks 50, Dominatrix 14

b.      Jennatalia 37, The EsCourts 20

c.      Steph Infection 43, Trish’s Tiny Disasters 37

 

4.      Shoutout to Jordan Lawson for coming in to referee for us. It’s always telling when the first thing someone does when the minor leagues close to run right back to where they should be. You know he’s looking at D2 right now thinking he could’ve won that title again. See you in the Fall. 

 

5.      I’m really enjoying listening to the podcast on Spotify now. It’s much easier for sure. If you have Spotify, search “Topper Sports Report” and subscribe. We need more new guests though, last week’s show felt too quick. 

 

6.      The three hottest teams in the TSL: Freeballers, Practice Squad, Sticky Bandits

 

7.      The three teams I would bet on having a fantastic next few weeks: Itches and Ohs, Grey Hair Don’t Care, Puckett All-Stars

 

8.      The three most fun teams in the TSL currently: Can’t Touch This, Travis Henry’s Kids, Cobblestone

 

9.      The three most disappointing teams in the TSL currently: Legends, Tight Ends In Motion, Bullet Club

 

10.  Early MVP votes: D1: Bobby McConnell, D2: Jonny Football, D3: Jeremy Burr, D4: Brandon “B” Ford, D5: Darryl Carr, D6: Pete Wallbrandt. But again, it’s early. 

 

Enjoy the last week of TSL football in May, as always email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to whine about whatever I said (or actually support your team), be nice to Jeff May, buy B’s Brother a drink (on Topper’s tab), vote on these power rankings lists so they aren’t terrible, and have a fantastic Memorial Day! 

 

-GF OUT

Week 5 Thoughts, Picks & Stuff

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Category: The Godfather's Picks

Created: Friday, 13 May 2022 11:46

Published: Friday, 13 May 2022 11:46

Written by Patrick McGovern

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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe: Welcome to Week 5! 

 

We’ve had 4 weeks of TSL football before this week, and we’ll have 4 weeks of TSL football after it. We’re at the top of the hill, and we’re about to come flying down the other side as the Race for Social Co-Ed Football Immortality really starts to take shape. 

 

At this point, you are who you are. No amount of “bad luck”, “getting Billy’d”, or “missing people” excuses can really help the “have nots” of the league this year. And let’s not forget last week’s excuse: “There was wind!”. Everyone starts the league with championship aspirations (except for Not So Sticky, who are really just there to drink and litter apparently, and the Freeballers, who know that lightning doesn’t strike twice) but at this point you’re coming to the realization that maybe, this just isn’t your season. Again. 

 

I was delighted to see the TSLQBPRC rank the best teams of all time, and it got me thinking that I want to rank something too. At this point, there was only one clear choice. I’m going to give you my “Disappointment Rankings”. Basically, who is falling short of my preseason expectations? Record will play into it, obviously, but it won’t be the end all be all. If you’re on this list, chances are your team group chat is slightly bitter, with one or two people that are being incredibly positive and trying to bring the team up. Or you’re EXTREMELY FOCUSED on getting your next game in the win column as you’re feeling the pressure. 

 

Whatever the case may be, I’m disappointed in you. 

 

First up in the rankings, the dishonorable mentions: TOX, Bullet Club, People Who Don’t Help Reffing, The Rose Garden Bar Prices, Lesser Leagues That Rip Off The TSL, Sleezin Szn, Litterbugs, and When Dove Cries. 

 

All of you are doing terrible, but you don’t make the Disappointment Rankings Top 10 because you’re just doing exactly what we all expected of you. 

 

Now for the list: 

 

10. Cobblestone (Not Including Darryl, Obviously) - You had one job last week. Darryl spent multiple weeks putting his body (and Hair) on the line, and gifting you clowns a 4-0 record. And the one time he doesn’t show up, and trusts you to win the game without him, you lose 28-12 to a PWI team who’s better known for having Hero females than completing passes. If Darryl is there you win this game by 30. You let him down, which is of course, a big disappointment. 

 

9. Can’t Touch This - Okay, I’ll admit, not a single person in the league had any expectations for you. You would just show up, lose by a bunch, and roll back home to apparently nurse the hangovers from the night before. And then, you won a game! That’s awesome, and it’s akin to watching a toddler take its first wobbly steps. On top of it, you beat a really good Pretender (that’s foreshadowing everyone) in your division! So, you took to the airwaves to get your message to the podcast this week. It was good to see some life out of you guys. And you know what? You did the right thing, you blamed Topper. So, you’re a team that has fun, drinks the night before football, and you DON’T hang out at the bar after your games? It sounds a little suspect, honestly. And to top it all off, you use the podcast as your way to get your message across, yet you completely ignore me asking teams to message me EXACTLY THAT TYPE OF STUFF? This article would’ve painted you all in a different light this week had that happened. You’re so close to being perfect Tellers. You almost are competitive, you almost drink at the bar with the best collection of people to do exactly that in perhaps the world, and you almost had me on your side. But instead? You’re just disappointments. 

 

8. Come From Behind - It hasn’t exactly been a dream season for the 1-4 squad that I thought would be doing much, much better in D5. Instead, they’ve allowed 186 points in 5 games, and they’re losing to the likes of 716. I’m not going to trash a team with an average player age of 58.34 though. Has Father Time finally won this battle? I want to say no, but time always wins, and that of course, is a disappointment. 

 

7. Passed Our Prime - So let me get this straight. Hogan and Company do the “Game On!” thing to do and stack their roster in a lower division with D1 stars like Sean Weisensal and Kyle Coniff, and yet they’re only 3-2? This team has allowed 173 points and look every bit the “awful defense” they always are. They had a chance to show the world they were the top dogs last week and fell right on their faces. This is why nobody knows most of your names. How disappointing. 

 

6. Puckett All-Stars - Puckett, you’re 1-3 and yet you still have more Points For than Against. You’re slumming it in D4, playing in the “missing the playoffs” range with the Today’s Feasts, Can’t Touch Thises, and TOXes of the world. You’re better than this, and I expect more out of you. I get it, the weather is changing, and those mostly old joints are creaking. You can smell the Bio-Freeze all the way in Iowa when you guys play, but that isn’t an excuse. Get back on the winning path, please. You missing the playoffs would be, well, a disappointment. 

 

5. Topper - You’re the logo of the league. The face that runs the place. And you haven’t played a single down of football yet. B’s Brother has shown up EVERY WEEK to watch you play, and you’ve done nothing but let him down. While I’m sure you’re training very, very hard every day to make your comeback, it’s beginning to get a little questionable if you’re going to play at all this year. As always, you’re a disappointment. 

 

4. Legends - You know, I spent weeks hyping up how dominant this team was going to be. That you were the perfect example of what a Social Co-Ed Football Team should be. And all you’ve continued to do is disappoint those expectations. You’re 3-1. Joey’s Noodle Arm has your offense teetering on being worst in the league. You’re only a play or two away from being 1-3. THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF? This is what I get for believing in you. 

 

3. Zack Attack - You just put up 8 points against a winless team. You lost to ILF the week before and only put up 14 points. Your two wins were against TOX, who allegedly lost an exhibition game against a team from the afternoon Doodle Bugs session this week, and the Varsity Has Beens who were playing their first game ever as a team. You’re one of the biggest phonies in the league right now. Sure, your defense is legit, but your offense is shit. I assume that’s your team slogan. And I’ve heard you don’t even hang at the bar long enough anymore playing darts? This disappointment is apparently too much Zack and not enough Attack. 

 

2. Itches And Ohs - I had the highest hopes for this team. They don’t get enough credit for how good they’ve been in recent seasons, but right now? Awful. Yeah, you’ve scored 160 points, but you still can’t stop anyone. What’s more, you got SMOKED by your biggest competition in The Untouchaballs and 4th And Something. And don’t even get me started on how you lost to the Freeballers. You need to up your game a level, and fast. It’s incredibly disappointing to see that you can’t compete for the D3 title. 

 

1. Blitzkrieg - Disappointment, to me, is spelled B-L-I-T-Z-K-R-I-E-G. I’ve done nothing but support you guys’ time and time again. I’ve personally apologized and made things right when I’ve gotten things wrong about you. Nobody is a bigger fan than I am. But you’re getting beaten up left and right. You’re a 2-point conversion attempt away from being 0-5. I’m aware you have 2 wins, but you can’t be proud of that “freebie” forfeit win that you were getting killed in anyway. I heard the league was having internal discussions about starting a D7 for you at this rate. I know Light Red Hoodie Guy and Allie were super important to the team, but I didn’t realize they were the whole show. Maybe I’m just hurt for always supporting you, but you’re really starting to make me look bad in this league. I need you guys and girls to remember who you are and get your shit together. But for what it’s worth, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. 

 

And there you have it folks, the biggest disappointments of the #TSLSpring2022 Season so far. Now let’s get to the good part.

 

D1:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Sticky Bandits 20, Tight Ends In Motion 19

Eyes Downtown 38, Legends 24

 

Sticky Bandits take out their longtime rival in the most recent edition of the “Baker Bowl”, cementing that D1 is an attainable goal for them. Meanwhile, Eyes Downtown finally arrived this season, taking the overrated Legends behind the woodshed for a big win. D1 just got interesting again, as we start up the D1/D2 Crossovers this week. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Legends vs Tight Ends In Motion (+6) - In a perfect world, TEIM throws a haymaker or two at the Legends, beats them, and REALLY has us question who’s going to win D1 all year. Unfortunately for them, it really feels like the Legends got a wakeup call last week that this isn’t going to be easy. LEGENDS BY 12

 

Eyes Downtown vs Sticky Bandits (+3) - I’m aware the Bandits won the last matchup from earlier this season, but Eyes Downtown feels a little more “on fire” right now. Old friend Chris Franjoine dusted off his typewriter to send me a message this week, and he basically had this to say: Eyes Downtown is dangerous, and we shouldn’t be sleeping on them. He proceeded to speak so highly of the usual suspects: Cody, Delecki, Bobby, and Rachel, but he also let me in on a couple of well-kept secrets that are just about to be talked about more and more: Josh and Kenzie. It seems everything is coming together for ED, and you just KNEW Bobby had a plan. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 8

 

D1/D2 Crossover Game: 

 

Sticky Bandits vs Scared Hitless (+10) - Our first Crossover of the season is this week, as Scared Hitless gets to put its undefeated season on the line against a Sticky Bandits team that hasn’t played as well in D1 as they’re playing now. Two teams on top of their games in their respective divisions is a heck of a start for Crossovers. So, we may as well go big from the get-go: SCARED HITLESS BY 7. 

 

D2:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Passed Our Prime 30, Grey Hair Don’t Care 29

Grey Hair Don’t Care 36, When Dove Cries 25

DILFs 36, Bullet Club 18

Scared Hitless 38, Passed Our Prime 32

 

Passed Our Prime squeaks by Grey Hair in the first game of their doubleheader before dropping a huge game against Scared Hitless in a battle for 1st overall. Grey Hair rebounded from the POP loss into getting their first win in D2 against WDC. The Dilfs proceeded to double up on Bullet Club. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

DILFs Vs When Dove Cries (+6) - WDC feels like they’re in trouble. That was a bad loss to Grey Hair, and now they’re going against a DILFs team that is on a decent roll. I know they’re waiting for Topper’s return, but how much better will they be when that happens? DILFS BY 8

 

Passed Our Prime vs Bullet Club (+10) - These two met earlier in the season, where POP took a 49-36 victory over BC. If you’re going to bet on anything in the TSL this week, the over/under for this game sits at 75 ½. Bet the over. Neither of these teams can stop anyone. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 7

 

Scared Hitless vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+9) - Scared Hitless gets a doubleheader this week, and they get a spry GHDC for the second game. Grey Hair is growing a little bit every week, which I believe is the plan. Improve little by little and surprise people in the playoffs. With how Scared Hitless is playing right now, they might not have improved enough just yet. SCARED HITLESS BY 10

 

The Notorious BNB vs Bullet Club (+3) - One thing is for certain: This game is going to go down to the last play. The question will be who has the ball going for the win or not. These games are usually close ones, and I don’t expect this one to be any different. Bullet Club always pulls out a win or two during the regular season, and I can’t envision them going 0-9. BULLET CLUB BY 2

 

DILFs vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+7) - Same as the Scared Hitless game for GHDC, the Dilfs might be a little too advanced for them here. DILFS BY 8

 

D3: 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Frodo Swaggins 31, Show Me Dem TDs 27

The Untouchaballs 37, 4th And Something 12

Freeballers 27, Itches and Ohs 15

Buffalo Vice 31, Sleezin Szn 14

 

Frodo Swaggins has begun their usual midseason lull where it feels like they get bored after a hot start thing, and they escape a very game Show Me Dem TDs. The Untouchaballs proceeded to kick the stuffing out of 4th and Something in what was a lackluster “Game Of The Day” pick by me. The Freeballers stifled the Itches and Ohs defense which now has everyone wondering what’s wrong with Itches. And finally, FINALLY, Buffalo Vice wakes up and remembered who they are, taking a big win from Sleezin Szn without any real issue. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Frodo Swaggins vs Buffalo Vice (+9) - Is this the time to ride the hot hand? Buffalo Vice picked up their first D3 win, as they started to look like the team, we all know they are. And as I just said, Frodo is starting to do that thing where they kind of stink midseason. I don’t know if Garrett gets bored and tries more trick plays or something, but if they don’t reign it in, they’ll be upset. But they’re in trouble anyway since Dan finally emailed me. The good vibes are sent his way. BUFFALO VICE BY 4

 

The Untouchaballs vs Show Me Dem TDs (+13) - Show Me Dem TDs gets the misfortune of running into the TSL’s hottest team at the wrong time. It’ll be hard to gel as a team, as SMDTDs is trying to do, when you get the team that trots out potential QB of the Year Jeremy Burr, the best guy nobody knows Matt Helm, and of course future “best female in the league” Melanie Linamar. This is very, very bad timing for Show Me. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 17

 

Itches and Ohs vs Sleezin Szn (+5) - Sleezin really needs to get a win, just for their own confidence. It’s not as though they don’t have the players to do it. Matt Newman is somehow underrated as a QB nowadays, and any team that can trot out Parker, Dorene, and Nicole will have an advantage and are going to put up points. They just need to put it together. Itches and Ohs, meanwhile, need to figure out what defense is. After sliding by on suspect D to win D4 last year, they kind of forgot to work on that in the offseason. Both teams have known QBs and known females. So, which random, unknown, non-descript guy is going to step up and make the plays needed here? It doesn’t matter. Steve Moser is at his best when the entire world is doubting him.  ITCHES AND OHS BY 15

 

D4:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Can’t Touch This 21, Zack Attack 8

Practice Squad 35, Puckett All-Stars 31

Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 34, Spinelli’s Plumbing 32

Spinelli’s Plumbing 44, TOX 16

XMD 56, Varsity Has Beens 32

Today’s Feast 56, TOX 14

Vaspian 20, Cunning Stunts 17

 

Zack Attack is playing checkers when everyone else is playing football. As a result, Can’t Touch This, gets their first victory before declaring more will be on the way. Practice Squad and Puckett slug one out, with the Squad taking the narrow win. ILF has the most incredible and unexplainable victory in the TSL this season, defeating Spinelli’s Plumbing who must’ve all been on Quaaludes for this game. Spinelli’s would rebound and take the victory over TOX after though. XMD is putting up some points now, as they’re the second highest scoring team in the division after Spinelli’s through 4 games. VHB’s efforts shouldn’t be discount either, even in the loss. Today’s Feast has the best game in their existence, getting a big win. And last but certainly not least, Vaspian takes perhaps the biggest win they’ve had ever, beating the Stunts and announcing to the world that they’re for real. 

 

This Week’s Games: 

 

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs Can’t Touch This (+14) – If Can’t Touch This did have one good point in their verbal assault against Topper, it’s this: Vaspian (4-0), Cunning Stunts (3-1, lost to Vaspian), and Practice Squad (4-0) is a brutal slate to start the season. Then they played Zack Attack, who normally aren’t slouches either. So, what do they get next? The highest scoring team in the division, Spinelli’s Plumbing, also 3-1. Apparently, Topper didn’t like being told he couldn’t touch them, so he gave them the hardest schedule possible to show that he could. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 18

 

Interdimensional Lightning Falcons vs Today’s Feast (+16) - The only reason I’ve typed out ILF’s full name is because they’ve got my attention. Andrew Kicak has a roster that has the right pieces: QB Joe Miano is a winner, Alex Baker has his Dad’s DNA, they have Breakfast Captains Becca and Courtney to go with Christina Nelson and Lauren O’ Brien to form a better than you think roster of girls, and while I don’t know much about the other guys, all reports back to me are that they’re all solid or better. Last week, they finally put it all together. Today’s Feast has had a hell of a road to this point. It’s not the easiest of starts (this includes last year) and I still think D5 is in their future (again, not a demotion as it’s a smart move that’s worked for others in the past), but it had to feel great to get that win for them. They shouldn’t get used to it, at least not this week. ILF BY 13

 

Practice Squad vs Vaspian (+3) - The D4 heavyweights duke it out as our 4-0 teams battle to see who will be on the top of the mountain when the day ends. The schedules were similar too, they both beat CTT and Puckett. Here’s the difference though: PS inflated some numbers in a 42-14 win over TOX, and they barely squeaked by ILF. Vaspian had a harder road. They beat the Has Beens and then they just beat the Stunts. Vaspian is playing how I’ve thought they should’ve played since they got into the league. Last week they staked their claim to the mountain top, this week they make sure they’re the only ones on it. VASPIAN BY 6

 

Zack Attack vs Puckett All-Stars (+1) - This is going to be a game right here. Puckett needs a win over a team above them in the standings. Right now, Zack Attack has the 64th best offense in a 52-team league. Puckett’s offense can, and will, be slowed but as long as they play slightly better defense than they’re used to, they’ll finally get that signature win on this season. PUCKETT ALL-STARS BY 4

 

Varsity Has Beens vs TOX (+10) - Varsity has been solid in every game they’ve played so far, and perhaps they’re feeling a little like they “should’ve had” another game or two this season already. TOX has been the cure for what ails ya this season, but if what the podcast said was true, they’ll be able to get a bit better on defense with Adrian playing now. That’s a win for everyone. Except for TOX this game. VARSITY HAS BEENS BY 2

 

D5: 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Passing While Intoxicated 28, Cobblestone Without Darryl 12

716 37, Come From Behind 31

Tater Tots 22, Not So Sticky 15

Red Zone Mafia 22, TMA 16

Not So Sticky 18, Two Tuddies 18

 

PWI gets a win against a bunch of people who lost their leader and it showed last week. Hopefully Darryl Carr QB Superstar returns this week. 716 gets a nice win over Come From Behind in a bit of a shootout. The Tots stay hot, dispatching Not So Sticky, who would then go and rip victory from the hands of the Tud Buds in the form of a late game tie. And in a moderately stunning upset, the Red Zone Mafia gets by TMA, giving them another loss after a hot start. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Red Zone Mafia vs Passing While Intoxicated (+8) - RZM shocked the world a bit against TMA last week, but it means nothing if they come in and lay an egg against PWI. PWI is coming off a feel good win last week themselves, so we have two teams on the rise here, hoping to continue the success. I think RZM is a bit more seasoned this time around, and Blake looks to be developing nicely at QB. They’re going to be there when the smoke clears. RED ZONE MAFIA BY 7

 

TMA vs Passing While Intoxicated (+10) - As if things couldn’t get more fun for PWI, they’re getting a TMA team that’s been given a wakeup call in recent weeks that said “Hey, this won’t be as easy as it seems”. The problem for PWI is that a healthy, full roster for TMA that’s also focused is a scary thing for D5 still. Don’t let the losses fool you, they’re still top contenders for this title. TMA BY 14

 

716 vs Two Tuddies (+6) - The Tuddies were close to their first victory last week before blowing it at the end. But it signifies one thing: Progress. A win is in their future. This team seems to really get the TSL experience. They show up, have fun, play good football (or try to, anyway), and they usually have a few people at the bar afterwards, chatting with everyone and not just sticking to their own. They even take some photos for social media! With that said, 716 is growing as a team too. They’re 2-1 and playing better each week. They might even be a bit overlooked by the division and maybe certain people who write articles from Iowa each week. The Tuddies don’t feel ready here. 716 BY 14

 

Cobblestone vs Tater Tots (+7) - If Darryl is back in the fold this week (Editor’s Note: If that information about Darryl not being there is wrong, this article is doomed) then it’s good news for the TSL. Its bad news, however, for the Tater Tots. It’s not to say the Tots are bad or anything, they aren’t, but after the Power Rankings pointed out that even though Cobblestone has been in the league for 40 years and never won a championship, well, that just feels like fate to me. COBBLESTONE BY 3

 

Come From Behind vs Not So Sticky (+6) - A season ago, these two combined for a very exciting playoff game. Now, they’re a combined 1-8-1. I never know what NSS’s deal is, but when your life is shot gunning beers and doing Huggie Bombs, it’s not winning games until they “matter”. CFB hasn’t had what we’d call an ideal season so far, but despite everything I said about “you are who you are at this point in the season” I don’t believe that here. I think having more consistent attendance will get more consistent play. Look for CFB to come from behind in the standings the rest of the way. COME FROM BEHIND BY 12

 

D6:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

 

Lettuce Win 40, Blitzkrieg 6

Travis Henry’s Kids 20, Woodpeckers 12

Travis Henry’s Kids 34, Blitzkrieg 6

Southside 35, Lenny’s Ladies 16

 

Lettuce Win took advantage of whatever is wrong with Blitzkrieg to pull out a very nice win. Travis Henry’s Kids avoided a scare against the Woodpeckers before beating BK themselves to go 2-0 on the day. And finally, Southside avoided some early trouble against Lenny’s Ladies before pulling away in the second half.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Lettuce Win vs Woodpeckers (+5) - Lettuce Win has been very up and down this season, and they’ll be taking on a Woodpeckers squad that is 0-2 but could very easily be 2-0. This is a case where I don’t think the last week is representative on how well they’re both playing. WOODPECKERS BY 2

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Lenny’s Ladies (+16) - THK is just on fire. Despite a season opening loss, they’re regained their hold on the division, and should win it all unless the voices in John’s head derail him yet again. Meanwhile, the Ladies have been playing well this season, but reports are that while they’ll get deep into enemy territory, they struggle to get in the end zone. That is not a character trait you want going up against THK. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 17

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY: 

 

1.      Okay, but what about the teams EXCEEDING your expectations? Who are they? My Disappointment Rankings were based on who isn’t hitting my preseason expectations, so logically this should give a shout out to those going way above and beyond what I thought would be happening: Sticky Bandits, Scared Hitless, 4th And Something, The Breakfast Club Captain’s Bets, Pun kin The Clown, Freeballers, Lenny and Rameer Day (future bet), Cobblestone With Darryl, People Who Used Sunscreen, and Vaspian for sure qualify here. 

 

2.      What is the “Game Of The Day” this week? It’s going to be must see viewing to watch Practice Squad vs Vaspian this week, but I also would want to watch the D1/D2 Crossover game between Sticky Bandits and Scared Hitless as well. Could be interesting. 

 

3.      Since it sounds like you and Blitzkrieg are breaking up, who’s your new football crush? After much consideration, I think it’s fair to say that The Untouchaballs are fun. The story of Burr becoming a Top 10 QB in the league, the talented players on the team, and I’ve heard they also stick around after games and drink too? Seems like a perfect team to get on board with. 

 

4.      Can we go 5 for 5 with B’s Brother this week? B’s Brother has been to the fields every single week so far, which means we’re truly blessed yet again. If there is ever a reason he needs a ride, someone needs to call Joey Batts asap. 

 

5.      Have you SEEN our Social Media lately? I’m serious, do the league a favor and toss us a ‘like” or “follow” on Facebook “Topper Sports, LLC”, Instagram: @toppers_sports_league, on twitter: @toppersportsllc , and you can subscribe to the podcast on Spotify! Look for “Topper Sports Report” there. The more you take a second to like/follow, the better the league will be! 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1.      These Breakfast Club bets keep getting more fun from what I’m hearing. Last week saw a team pyramid/haiku reading after a loss, bras are on the line like it’s 2012, mimosas are flowing. Shout out once again to the Captains for making Breakfast Club the best part of the TSL day. 

 

2.      Speaking of Breakfast Club, I just noticed that there was a 44-44 TIE last week. Ties should not be happening in Breakfast Club. I propose that in the event of a tie, each team selects a “champion” who will battle in a shotgun race for the victory. 

 

3.      One more about Breakfast Club: The rumors of Fall BC are swirling again, aided by the fact that it decides who’s on the sublist. Anyway, here are the Predictions for this week: 

a.      The Escourts 33, Dominatrix 14

b.      Steph Infection 37, Trish’s Tiny Disasters 34

c.      Liddle Deaks 38, Jennatalia 26

 

4.      Topper has informed me he has MANY surprises for Lenny and Rameer Day on June 4th. I won’t stop repeating it because if you’re going to spend at least one day at the Rose Garden this season, plan for it to be this one. If you still need ideas for it Topper, just know that Lenny would’ve gotten a mime or two. 

 

5.      The referees have been fantastic, and once again we have new people stepping up for the challenge. Thank you to everyone that’s been helping out. I’ve been told its as smooth as it’s ever been lately. Someone stop Coach Jay from stepping down. 

 

6.      So, on the plus side, it’s going to be 78 degrees in Buffalo this weekend. On the downside, there’s currently a 69% (nice) chance of rain for the afternoon games. It won’t be nearly as windy though, so that helps. Wear your sunscreen. 

 

7.      Shout out to Topper for going above and beyond last weekend when he handed out “TSL Hero” shirts to the ladies who rushed to the aid of a fellow TSLer a few weeks ago. He didn’t have to do that, but he had to let you know just how amazing and important you all are. It was quite the story to hear. 

 

8.      There’re a few bad apples that have brought in some outside alcohol to the fields. Please don’t do that. It really, really makes the bar mad. Understandably so, I might add. Don’t do it. 

 

9.      Yet again, if you want to get more publicity in the article, you just have to email (like others do!) at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. It takes no time at all. 

 

10.  Finally, your “Best Games to Watch” Schedule for Saturday: 

a.      10:00 - Sticky Bandits vs Scared Hitless

b.      11:00 - Buffalo Vice vs Frodo Swaggins

c.      12:00 - Bullet Club vs The Notorious BNB

d.      1:00 - Practice Squad vs Vaspian

e.      2:00 - DILFs vs Grey Hair Don’t Care

f.       3:00 - Sleezin Szn vs Itches And Ohs

 

And that’s the bottom line, because the Godfather said so. 

 

-GF OUT