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Week 5 Rankings

Category: TSL QB Power Rankings
Created: Thursday, 19 May 2022 14:13
Published: Thursday, 19 May 2022 14:13
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 3

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

Last week we looked at the Greatest Teams in TSL History.  This week we look at the Greatest Female Players in the TSL (and we even have one of our fancy "Team Graphs" for you).  Next week we look at the Greatest Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL.  And of course, this week and every week we will also be looking at the Greatest QBs in the TSL (it's what we get "paid" for, after all).  

 

Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 38-16 (Legends)

There have been ten D1 games so far this session, excluding crossover games.  Four games been decided by 11+ points (more than one score).  All four were Legends games (three wins and a loss).  Cunning Stunts aren't exactly struggling either, though they didn't play this week.  Still #1 in your Rankings and in your heart, Joey Batts.

 

#2 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 49-48

Bobby moves up one spot in the Rankings with a nearly flawless game against the Sticky Bandits.  Eyes Downtown have won three in a row now against all three of their D1 opponents after starting the season 0-2.  Whatever was wrong with these guys doesn't seem like a problem anymore.

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 49-48, beat Scared Hitless 33-30

Thomas is still the highest scoring quarterback in D1 and is just a few plays away from being 6-0 this season.  Of course he's also a few plays away from being 1-5 this season, so tough to know what to make of that.  The Sticky Bandits are the only D1 team to have not lost a game by more than 6 points so far this session (Legends will look to change that this week).

 

#4 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 54-14

There are only two teams in the TSL averaging more than 40 PPG right now: one of them is Notorious BNB, and the other plays in D4.  Bullet Club is struggling but 54 is a good day for Buchlis no matter who the opponent.  Notorious BNB is now the only team in D2 with only one loss in the standings (even though our website has them in 4th for some reason).

 

#5 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 27-8

It's strange when Passed Our Prime is NOT leading their division in scoring, but right now they're #2 to Notorious BNB (there's a chart below if you want to scroll down a bit).  Bullet Club is allowing the fourth most points per game in the League, so we're a little disappointed Hogan couldn't put up 50+ against them.  Must have been an off day.

 

#6 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Lost to Grey Hair - Don't Care 14-0, lost to Sticky Bandits 33-30 (Crossover game)

We don't care even a little that Dylan lost the TSL's first Crossover game of the season against a D1 team.  If anything it's impressive that they almost won.  That shutout loss against Grey Hair - Don't Care though... that was unexpected.  We know they weren't at full strength, but getting blanked is enough to drop Dylan a couple spots in the Rankings this week.

 

#7 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Legends 38-16 (TEIM), beat Frodo Swaggins 47-46 (Buffalo Vice)

The Tight Ends in Motion offense is averaging 17.5 PPG in their last two weeks, both losses.  The Buffalo Vice offense is averaging 39.0 PPG in their last two weeks, both wins.  We suspect Seth is having more fun with the latter.  Maybe Dan Gonzalez is a faster receiver than Ben Stack.  Can we have them race?

 

#8 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Show Me Dem TDs 37-15

The Untouchaballs have the best record, best offense, (second) best defense, and the best point differential in D3.  Do they have the best quarterback too?  What's the highest a pure D3 quarterback has ever gone in our Rankings before?  We should look that up.  Next week will be the Battle of the 'Balls between Untouchaballs and Freeballers, debatably the next best team in the division, in what should be the game of the week.

 

#9 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Beat Scared Hitless 14-0, beat DILFS 40-39

Grey Hair - Don't Care started the season 0-3, and they're on a 3-0 tear ever since.  Shutout win over division-leading Scared Hitless, huge win (with absolutely zero controversy) over DILFS... Eickhoff has completely turned around his team's season over the past couple of weeks.  Grey Hair looks to be one of maybe five real contenders in D2 this season.  

 

#10 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Did Not Play

DILFS went 1-1 without Dubey this week.  We wonder how he would have reacted to the "Garbacz Incident"...

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to Notorious BNB 54-14, lost to Passed Our Prime 27-8 (Bullet Club)

Hey how about those Freeballers?  They had a bye this week and they've only played three games this session.  We THINK they're still undefeated with Dylan quarterbacking, so that's pretty exciting.  Yes, there is absolutely nothing else to talk about with teams that Dylan quarterbacks, so let's move along to the next guy in our Rankings...

 

#12 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Lost to Buffalo Vice 47-46

Oh, Garrett.  You love the TSL so much that you're committed to giving the fans their money's worth every week as they watch the end of your games.  Never a dull moment.  Frodo seems destined to finish 4-4-1 with a +0 point differential.  We look forward to their quadruple overtime playoff games next month.  

 

#13 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Scotty lost one game against Untouchaballs and he needed a week off to regroup.  After two straight weeks of meditation and silent reflection, we expect he will never lose another game.

 

#14 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 46-29

We were ready to crown these guys as D4 champions a couple weeks ago when they were murdering everyone in their path.  Obviously it's too early to panic (they still have the best point differential in their division, and the best offense in the entire League at 42.6 PPG) but still, maybe they aren't as destined for the championship game as we once thought.  

 

#15 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No Itches and Ohs game this week due to the weather situation for our 3 o' clock games.  Lucky for them, we hear they were missing Steve anyway.

 

#16 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Lost to Vaspian 22-15

Fifteen points?  B, you're supposed to be better than that.  This was Practice Squad's first loss of the year (and against another undefeated team) so we'll let it slide and keep you in the #16 spot this week, despite all the pressure we get from your detractors to #MoveBdown.

 

#17 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Did Not Play

XMD is 0.5 PPG away from joining the elite 40+ PPG club.  Maybe next week Jeff!

 

#18 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Beat Zack Attack 32-17

We learned this week that before Puckett All-Stars were "Puckett All-Stars", they were "Cupcake" and "Go Fumble Yourself".  No word on whether TJ QBed all those iterations of this team, but we short-changed them on our All-Time Team Rankings last week by treating the four time champs as three separate teams.  Sorry guys... don't change names so much!  The combined Puckett All-Stars/Cupcake/Go Fumble Yourself Team has won two D4 championships as well as a D5 and a D6 title (good for #29 on our all time Ranking).  They're also tied with A&A for second most championships of all time, and if they win D4 this session they will tie Public Enemy for most championships in TSL history with five.  

 

#19 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Beat Passing While Intoxicated 51-12

Red Zone Mafia had their second 50+ point game of the season on Saturday and they're one of three 1-Loss teams at the top of the D5 standings.  We don't factor in non-QB contributions to these rankings, but if we did Blake would be towards the top our list.

 

#20 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Sleezin Szn has only played three games, and Newman didn't make at least one of them, and they haven't won a game yet.  Slow start to this Szn!

 

#21 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Lost to Today's Feast 36-20

Joe Cool has had an up and down season for the Falcons, beating Spinelli's one week and losing to the Feast the next.  We're still not sure how good this team is, and they've been in the League forever now.  Lump them into that "dangerous enough that they can beat anyone, but also inconsistent enough that they could get rocked in the first round of playoffs" category.

 

#22 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Beat Practice Squad 22-15

Vaspian is undefeated and yet they have only the 34th best points per game in the TSL.  The fact that they allow 16.0 PPG on defense is a huge part of their success, and frankly the reason Brian isn't higher on this list despite having a better record in his division than six of the quarterbacks ranked higher than him.  Is that fair?  We're not sure!

 

#23 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Beat Tater Tots 34-14

Cobblestone is #1 in the D5 standings with a 5-1 record after thoroughly handling the Tots this week.  They're a fairly balanced team this year boasting the division's third best offense and third best defense.  But their defense doesn't have famous hair and the offense does, so Darryl gets the credit.  Sorry LeSeaon.

 

#24 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Beat Spinelli's Plumbing 46-29

Who is this guy?  We don't know much about Ryan Dougherty or Can't Touch This (if only they would e-mail us!) but after a miserable start to the season (0-3 and averaging 11 PPG) they've now ripped off two wins in a row against Practice Squad and... Spinelli's Plumbing?  Okay.  We'll keep an eye on these guys.

 

#25 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for John "The Arm" Langley this week.

 

***

Here's a quote from our very own Power Rankings Committee two weeks ago: "We've said many, many times in this article already that we didn't want to show team performance charts yet because it's way too early in the season for that stuff to have any meaning.  And that's true.  But screw it, here's a "way too early to mean anything" chart for you on each team's points per game (sorted by division).  And we added the Super Bowl era Buffalo Bills at the bottom as a comparison so you can see how much better (or worse) you are.  As always, forfeit games are excluded from the numbers below."

 

Well, it's two weeks later!  This is usually the cut-off in the season where most teams have actually played enough games for stats to have SOME meaning.  The average team has played 4.82 games so far (more than halfway through our season), and TMA has already played seven games somehow, so we're ready to actually start discussing trends.  Here's the same graph, but with more meaningful results:

 

 

So what have we learned from this?

 

Spinelli's Plumbing is still the highest scoring team in the League two weeks after they dominated our original chart, but their ridiculous lead over the next best team has dwindled from nearly 10 PPG to less than 1 PPG as Notorious BNB is right on their heels for best offense in the TSL.  Spinelli's and BNB are the only teams in the League scoring more than 40 PPG.

 

If 40+ PPG is the gold standard for great offenses, then 20 PPG or less should be considered the "gold standard" for terrible offenses.  And we've got several of them with TEN teams failing to average 20+ PPG.  We won't name them all (you can read a graph, right?) but TOX, Not So Sticky and Woodpeckers are currently battling it out for last place offensively.

 

The League is currently averaging 28.0 PPG, so if your team is scoring more than that, you're better than average.  The same works for defense by the way (which we haven't shown above), if your team is averaging giving up more than 28.0 PPG, you can throw a little blame on your defense.

 

D1 appears to be the most even division top to bottom with only 10.3 PPG separating the Sticky Bandits from Tight Ends in Motion (if you'd asked us pre-season for best and worst D1 offenses, we might have guessed it'd be these two teams but in the reverse order).  There's a lot more disparity in other divisions though:  D2-D5 all have more than 20 PPG separating the top from the bottom, and D6 is a story of two sub-divisions (three teams that can score, and three that cannot).

 

The teams leading their respective divisions in offense right now are a combined 21-8.  The teams that have the FEWEST points per game in their divisions right now are a combined 2-24-1.  Tough to win without a productive offense.

 

Untouchaballs are undefeated in D3 and they lead their division in scoring, which makes sense.  Vaspian are undefeated in D4 and they are 9th in their division in scoring, which makes... less sense.  

 

Nothing to do with the TSL of course, but the Bills' best two offensive seasons during their '90s run came in the years they got destroyed in the SuperBowl, and the years their offense wasn't as good were the years they almost won.  Go figure.

 

***

The Greatest Female Players in the TSL

 

Remember when we had all those championship statistics to support our "Greatest Teams of All Time" last week?  Yeah, we don't have ANY of that for what we're about to attempt.  Below are the greatest active female players in the TSL, as determined by our own panel of experts along with input from everyone that emailed us this week to weigh in.  We didn't take all of your suggestions (we don't even know who some of the girls we were emailed about are) but when you see the same names over and over again it's kind of obvious who the best really are.  It's also kind of obvious when we look at the names being submitted that we're going through an interesting transition period with females in the League, as many of the top names from years past have gotten pregnant, injured or simply retired since last season.  Robin Makula, Katie Salisbury, Emily Curry, Lindsay Stoddard, none of those girls are playing this session.  And holy shit, that was just the Tight Ends in Motion roster.  Damn, they were stacked.  Margo is gone, Taylor is a part timer / awesome ref, Val is pregnant, Maggie seems to be gone.  It's a whole new era for the TSL and time for new women to step up and fill some pretty big shoes.

 

So here's what we're looking for on our "Greatest Female Players" list:

  • Speed, hands, pass rushing, any kind of playmaking ability; we're not prioritizing one specific skill over another, we're trying to rank the best female players that would improve your chance of winning if they were on your team.
  • Attitude and personality doesn't factor in UNLESS that player's intangibles are extremely great (motivational, positive teammates lift everyone up) or extremely bad (toxic complainers will bring a team down even if they have elite skills)
  • They must be actively playing this session.  No, being on a roster and never showing up (or missing half the season so far) doesn't count. If you're not playing regularly, you're not eligible.

 

So that's our criteria.  First, some honorable mentions of people that were suggested by MULTIPLE Power Rankings Committee members and/or write-in votes.  Sorry if you wrote to us to suggest someone we didn't include; if you were the ONLY one that mentioned her, you won't see her name below.  The following honorable mentions are not ranked, but in alphabetical order by last name:

  • Brittany Clarke - Cunning Stunts
  • Ashton Fiegel - Practice Squad
  • Amanda Paolucci - Passed Our Prime
  • Emily Schilling - Frodo Swaggins, Cunning Stunts
  • Elena Schratz - Passed Our Prime
  • Jennifer Stachura - Come From Behind
  • Katie Swanson - Spinelli's Plumbing, Lenny's Ladies
  • Amy Taylor - The Notorious BNB
  • Jackie Ufholz - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Red Zone Mafia

 

And now... your top Twenty Female Players in the TSL:

 

#20: Mackenzie Neary - Eyes Downtown, Blitzkrieg

The only girl in our League to play both D1 and D6 (how good to you have to be in D6 for D1 teams to start recruiting you?) Mackenzie Neary has never dropped a pass in her TSL career.  No, that can't be true, but it feels like it sometimes.  She's also a really solid route runner.

 

#19: Talia Calabro - When Dove Cries, Freeballers

Remember when Talia was just the really fun party girl everyone loved?  Oh she's still that girl, but somewhere along the line she got like 50x better at football, and now she's ripping it up in D2 and D3.  If we had a "Most Improved Player" award, she'd be one of our finalists.

 

#18: Renee Lantz - Practice Squad, Cunning Stunts

Renee "Best Lantz" Lantz always seems to be diving for the ball on offense AND defense.  She must be fairly durable to be flying around so much and not break everything.  Renee plays like her hair is on fire and has great instincts and athleticism.  Every team would be improved with a Renee.

 

#17: Nicole Sharick - Sticky Bandits

Nicole Sharick is an elite pass rusher on defense and one of the fastest girls in the TSL once she reaches her top speed.  She's capable of turning a 5 yard out into a 20 yard run after catch, which makes her especially dangerous when teams try to cover her with another girl.

 

#16: Maddie Norton - Legends, Varsity Has Beens

The former Cobblestone star has emerged from Darryl's Hair's shadow (how many times did we hear "who is THAT girl and why isn't she playing in a higher division?") and is now making a name for herself on the best team in D1, as well as running her own team in D4.  Maddie's a baller.

 

#15: Kelly Liddle - Legends, Cunning Stunts

Oh of course Kelly Liddle was going to be on this list.  She's been playing for like twenty years (sorry Kelly!) but she doesn't look like she's even close to losing a step.  Combine brains with athleticism and speed (and sure, good looks) and this is what you get.  Always a terror to play against.

 

#14: Sam Lattuca - Red Zone Mafia

By far the TSL's all-time female leader in passing touchdowns, Sam has the arm to throw and the vision/decisiveness to always make the RIGHT throw.  Oh, she can do everything else too, tenacious defense, catch passes, whatever you need, but it's her passing abilities that truly separate her from the rest of the League.

 

#13: Cat Peters - Scared Hitless, Lenny's Ladies

This All We Do is Quinn legend has gone on to fame as part of the Scared Hitless three-headed dragon that every D2 opponent cries about after they lose.  Cat is fast as hell and often ends up covered by another girl which is a recipe for disaster for that team.  And she's super nice too!

 

#12: Brandy Clarke - Cunning Stunts

If we're underrating one player on this entire list, we are confident it's Brandy Clarke.  She could play with any team in any division and immediately excel, but it's harder to stand out now that she's only on one team and surrounded by other Stunts talent at that.  She MIGHT be the single best defender in our Rankings too (see: #4 on this list for her only competition).  

 

#11: Rachel Parker - Sleezin Szn, Lenny's Ladies

Her teams are a combined 1-6 right now but don't blame that on Rachel Parker.  She's still a bad-ass who demands male coverage or she'll absolutely torch your team (and she'll probably torch it even covered by a guy).  Speed, route running and hands, she's the total package.

 

#10: Misty Himes - Zack Attack, Lenny's Ladies

There's speed and there's speed.  Looking at our Top Twenty here there's maybe ONE girl who's truly "faster" than Misty Himes?  It changes the way teams play defense when they have to account for speed like hers.  How does Zack Attack not average 40 PPG when they can just dump it off to Misty and watch her run?

 

#9: Laura Streeter - Sticky Bandits, Itches and Ohs

Laura Streeter is one of the most well-rounded players in the League.  Speed and hands on offense, aggressive and smart on defense, AND the stamina to go both ways all day for two teams.  She's a big part of why the Sticky Bandits are suddenly competitive in D1, and we're pretty sure she's at least 60% of the reason Itches and Ohs won D4 last session.

 

#8: Amber Hay - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Legends

If Talia doesn't win our fictional "Most Improved Player Award", it's because it went to Amber.  Remember when she wasn't THAT good a couple sessions ago?  Well she's picked up a few tricks since.  The speed was always there, but better hands and route running and defense and general play-making have made Amber a real asset to her teams.

 

#7: Cheryl Julicher - When Dove Cries

This is what we wrote last year: "Cheryl may go down as the GOAT whenever she retires (does she ride off into the sunset with Public Enemy?), and she has been the standard for years on what a top female can be in this League.  Her speed isn't elite, but she has great hands, she's tough as nails, gets open, and always makes the play that needs to be made."  All still true, except she's downgraded from Chris Cole to Topper at QB!

 

#6: Rachel Grampp - Eyes Downtown, Freeballers

Bobby's best weapon in D1 and Dylan's best weapon in D3, Rachel is just a great athlete and seems to thrive at everything on the football field.  With the game on the line and down by 8 points, she's the one her quarterbacks will be looking to for the big play.  

 

#5: Heather Cepuchowski - Legends

Heather is the highest ranked Public Enemy girl??  How about that.  She's really thriving this season on Legends and has been their best girl so far.  Heather always knows how to get open short or deep, and always seems to make a play on the ball.  There was a lot of debate about the ranking of the #6-#20 spots (and honorable mentions) but Heather (and the girl directly above her) made nearly everyone on our Committee's ballot in their Top Five.

 

#4: Jaimie Warren - Scared Hitless, Lenny's Ladies

Jaimie is elite in just about every aspect of the game (though we're not sure we've ever seen her rush the passer; presumably she'd be great at that too).  Route running and hands are A+ caliber and she's constantly nominated for "Best Defender" awards at our banquets for a reason.  Scared Hitless, we hope you know how lucky you are to have three of the top 13 girls in the League.

 

#3: Katie Keller - DILFS, 4th & Something

Now we get to the Top Three.  Every single one of our Committee members that submitted ballots had the exact same Top Three, though in slightly different orders.  In other words, no one ranked Katie Keller lower than 3rd best in the TSL.  She isn't the fastest girl in the League (we'll get to her next!) but her playmaking ability and instincts make the pride of the Keller clan (sorry Scotty) a threat on every play.  

 

#2: Caitlyn Mason - Buffalo Vice, Lenny's Ladies

Caitlyn is the fastest girl in the League.  Top speed and quickness are two different concepts we realize, but Caitlyn might be the best at both.  How many times have we seen her take routine catches and turn them into massive gains by juking around the entire defense?  It's almost unfair to the rest of us.  It's impossible to imagine another girl covering Caitlyn with any success.  Oh and she's great on defense too.

 

#1: Melanie Linsmair - Scared Hitless, Untouchaballs

Melanie Linsmair is the best female athlete in the TSL.  We ranked her third last year and said "you may not be aware of her yet.  You'll learn the name soon, we promise."  By now you must know who she is.  Teams KNOW the ball is coming to her and they still can't stop it.  Speed and toughness and hands and toughness (which we know we just said twice).  If you've played against her, you understand why she's #1.  She's also young and just seems to be getting started.  The future is bright.  

 

So now that you've seen our Greatest Female Players rankings and decided it's all bullshit ("Amber is way too high!  Kelly is way too low!  How is Katie Swanson just an honorable mention?!") we'll take this time to remind you that you HAD your chance to weigh in on these Rankings and you probably didn't.  We've been advertising this for months and sent a reminder on Facebook as well.  At this point there's nothing you can do about it... BUT you still have a chance to weigh in on the next set of rankings!  Next week we'll be looking at the Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League.  If you've got thoughts and want to highlight a male player that has stood out to you this season, let us know this week before it's too late.

Categories for the rest of the season are as follows:

  • May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
  • June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
  • June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  that random girl who caught a touchdown once on your team isn't in our Top Females list?  graphs remind you of how dumb you felt in high school?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

Power Rankings Week 4

Category: TSL QB Power Rankings
Created: Thursday, 12 May 2022 14:10
Published: Thursday, 12 May 2022 14:10
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 11

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

We've done something a little different this week.  As promised, we have a list of things we plan to rank this season other than quarterbacks, and we've been publishing a schedule at the end of our articles for the last few weeks showing what's coming.  Our first non-QB Ranking of the year is ready this week as we've compiled the Greatest Teams in TSL History.  We'll get into the details of how we defined "the greatest teams" below, but needless to say it was fairly exhausting!  Read on below and see if your team made the list to end all lists.

 

For our actual Quarterback Rankings this week, we've expanded our coverage to the Top 25 passers in the League.  Inspired by the genius of our Breakfast Club captains (or perhaps just exhausted from the effort it took to do the "Greatest Teams" rankings), we've done each QB write-up below as a Haiku.  Not much change at the top of the Rankings, but lots of action in the #10 - #25 spots so take a look and see how your team's quarterback is doing. 

 

Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 38-24 (Legends), lost to Vaspian 20-17 (Cunning Stunts)

Two losses for Joe

Why is this guy number one?

Must be his good looks

 

#2 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 20-19

After two seasons

Mike finally beats Tight Ends,

Sticky is for real

 

#3 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Legends 38-24

Bobby McConnell,

Admit it, you wrote him off

But he keeps winning

 

#4 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat Passed Our Prime 38-32

Dylan is ready,

D2 runs through Scared Hitless

Helps to have those chicks!

 

#5 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Did Not Play

D2's best offense:

Notorious BNB

This Greek can ball out!

 

#6 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 38-32, beat Grey Hair - Don't Care 30-29

Won one and lost one,

They have a winning record

thanks to Hogan's arm

 

#7 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Sticky Bandits 20-19 (TEIM), beat Sleezin Szn 31-14 (Buffalo Vice)

Seth has his first win

as Vice beats Sleezin Szn,

Tight Ends will win soon

 

#8 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 36-18

Dubey beats the Club,

seems to win games every year,

is he immortal?

 

#9 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat 4th & Something 37-12

Name the following:

All unbeaten D3 teams.

Easy.  Just the 'Balls!

 

#10 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to DILFS 36-18 (Bullet Club); beat Itches and Ohs 27-15 (Freeballers)

Bullet Club winless,

Freeballers are two and one

That feels about right

 

#11 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Beat Show Me Dem TD's 31-27

Hey Frodo Swaggins,

Why must all your games be tight?

This is exhausting

 

#12 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 36-25, lost to Passed Our Prime 30-29

Grey Hair Don't Care wins!

They're one and three but look fine,

Beware playoff Dave.

 

#13 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Lost to Untouchaballs 37-12

Finally a loss,

can't be perfect forever,

not even Scotty

 

#14 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Beat TOX 44-16, lost to Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 34-32

Spinelli's Plumbing,

we thought you could never lose,

Falcons disagreed

 

#15 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Lost to Freeballers 27-15

High scoring Itches,

what happened to your offense?

Scoring fifteen sucks!

 

#16 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Beat Puckett All-Stars 35-31

Practice Squad can't lose,

Puckett's a quality win,

Good to see you're BACK

 

#17 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Beat Varsity Has-Beens 56-32

Wow fifty six points

XMD spanked the Has Beens

D4, fear Jenkins

 

#18 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Lost to Buffalo Vice 31-14

Sleezin Oh-and-three,

Newman you're better than this,

at least we think so

 

#19 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Lost to Practice Squad 35-31

Puckett you're RIGHT there

on the verge of winning games,

why can't you finish?

 

#20 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Beat Spinelli's Plumbing 34-32

Huge, huge, huge, huge win

are ILF contenders?

It sure seems like it

 

 

#21 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Beat TMA 22-16

Is Blake winning games

Or does Sam do all the work?

Who cares, they're winning

 

#22 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Did Not Play

The hair of a God,

The arm of a dinosaur,

Darryl is legend

 

#23 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Beat Cunning Stunts 20-17

Vaspian and Zack,

Winning games with great defense,

Need more QB help!

 

#24 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 21-8

Zack and Vaspian,

Winning games with great defense,

Need more QB help!

 

#25 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Beat Blitzkrieg 34-6, beat Woodpeckers 20-12

Leader of D6,

THK is killing teams

John is MVP

 

***

The Greatest TSL Teams of All-Time

 

When we started talking in the offseason about fun things we could rank this session, one of our Committee members suggested "the best teams of all-time".  We immediately wrote this down and said yes, absolutely, that would be a great debate!  Then when we started actually trying to do it, we realized everyone had different ideas about what "greatness" meant.  Is a great team just one with the best win percentage?  Is a great team one that wins a lot of championships?  Is a great team one that hangs out at the bar every week and has contributed to the culture of the league over the years?  Sure, a great team can be all of those things, but how you define greatness will give you a COMPLETELY different list.  Marketing Mayors was a better team than Cobblestone on the field.  Cobblestone was (and is) a more impactful team in the history of the bar scene.  Comparing the two would be pointless.  So we decided this list will be the best teams on the field in the history of the TSL.  Bar contributions will not factor into the rankings whatsoever (maybe they become a separate ranking some day).

 

So if we decide we're only going to evaluate on-field performance, how do we even begin to do that?  For starters, some of these teams haven't played in a decade.  How does Dwyer's compare to Scared Hitless?  How does Top Line Solutions compare to Tight Ends in Motion?  The only way to subjectively assess older teams is to ask old-timers who have been around for the entirety of the TSL, and you know how that goes: everyone was ALWAYS better "back in the day"... or at least that's how people tend to remember their athletic primes.  Objective comparison by memory is impossible because people are hopelessly biased to whatever narrative better supports their own legacies.  We can't ask around about who was "the best" because we don't trust the answers we'd get back.

 

Okay, so if we're trying to remove the biased memories of old-timers from the equation, how do we compare teams based PURELY on the facts?  Ideally we would look at win percentages and point differentials of each team in TSL history and see who is the best in each category.  That would be nice... IF we still had all those old records.  Sadly it's a little challenging to dig up old standings as our website doesn't back up that information on a regular basis.  So what do we do in the absence of team win/loss records?

 

We look at championships.

 

If you're REALLY one of the best on-field teams in the history of the League, you've won a championship at some point in time.  It's that simple.  Yes, we are VERY aware that it's not a 100% perfect system for evaluating performance: a team that finished in second five times could potentially have been better than a team that won one title.  Think of it like Philip Rivers vs Trent Dilfer: one of them is clearly better, yet the other has more championships.  However if you're going to stake a claim to being one of the all-time greats, you cannot do it without winning the big ones, plain and simple (sorry Philip Rivers!).  So the focus of our rankings will be on the irrefutable evidence of which teams have won championships over the years in the TSL.  We're sorry if you never won one, because you're not going to be on our list.

 

As it turns out, even information on previous champions is incredibly difficult to find!  Rumors are that there are lost plaques floating around the Rose Garden somewhere with past winners engraved, but no one has seen those in years.  But we had to have ALL the facts to make sure this was done correctly, so our Committee dug up all the old research we could find: a decade of old banquet emails from Topper, Godfather articles still saved on the website, archived podcasts from the end of seasons long long ago (which are still super entertaining if you ever have the time and want to hear Sheri quiz Lenny on who he'd "Fuck Marry Kill").  It was incredibly difficult but we eventually tracked down every championship victory in TSL history... all 112 of them.  We're sure you've never seen a complete list of these before (we're sure NO one has ever seen a complete list before, even Topper) so let's start with that, and then we'll try to make sense of how we rank these teams against each other:

 

 

We really encourage you to stop reading and take a minute to absorb that list.  Ten years, twenty seasons, one hundred and twelve divisions, summarized in a single chart.  Crazy to see how much the League has changed over the years, for those who have been around long enough to appreciate it.  You'll notice this list doesn't include Breakfast Club, Winter Session or any special tournament teams by the way, which have different formats and wouldn't make sense to compare against our normal outdoor seasons.

 

So now that we have the data, how do we compare our various champions?  All divisions are obviously not created equal, and if we're trying to determine who's the best of the best, it has to be significantly biased towards the top division. Winning D5 is not the same as winning D1... and yet we can't just ignore lower divisions either.  Somehow we had to figure out a way to weight each division to compare all of these teams objectively.  After much internal debate about what each division is "worth", we finally asked ourselves the question, which is HARDER: winning any division once, or winning the next lowest division twice?  In other words what's a greater achievement: winning one D2 title, or winning two D3 titles?  We all agreed that it's probably harder to win one D2 title, which led us to weight divisions in the following format: 

  • A D1 championship is our baseline since it's the best a team can do.  Let's make that worth 100 points.  
  • A D2 title is worth, at BEST, 49% of that, since two D2 titles don't quite equal a D1 title (you can argue it should be LESS than 49%, but we've made the choice to weight lower divisions as heavily as reasonably possible here).  49 points for a D2 title.
  • A D3 title should be worth 49% of THAT, so about 24 points for each D3 championship.
  • Every subsequent division is worth 49% of the previous one, so D4 is worth 11 points, D5 is worth 5 points, and D6 is worth 2 points.

 

If we try to compare two different teams using this weighting system, one team would need two D2 championships AND one D6 championship to equal another team's one D1 championship.  Or they'd need about nine D4 titles, or twenty D5 titles, any combination that gets them to 100 points.  It's a little subjective as far as the points we've assigned each division, but we feel confident that it's a decent system.

 

One challenge we CAN'T really account for when adding up each team's weighted points is if a team has changed names over the years.  Look, we're smart enough to know that Matty's Angels and The Angels are the same team, and we know that Ryan Puckett All-Stars and Puckett All-Stars are the same people too, so we combined those teams championship points when doing out All-Time Rankings.  But didn't Bobby McConnell used to QB for 1-2-3 Gawron?  Do they consider that the same team as Eyes Downtown?  We have no way of knowing, so the two are tracked as two separate teams here.  Alternatively, if two completely DIFFERENT teams used the same name (ex. are the Fall 2011 "Riley Street Station" the same people as the Spring 2012 "Riley Street Station"?) we would have no way of knowing that either, so we have to treat all teams with the same name as the same group.

 

With that being said, we've calculated the points for every championship winning team in that first chart above.  Without further adieu, here are the greatest teams in TSL history, based on strength and number of championships won:

 

 

Once you see where your team is ranked in the chart above, you'll instantly decide you hate our methodology and you'd be higher ranked if we "just measured it differently".  Come on.  That's loser talk.  Win more championships, and history will remember you more fondly.

 

So let's see what our chart is telling us!

 

Observations on Rankings & Championship Listing

 

Public Enemy is the #1 team in TSL history.  That may come as a surprise to some the way people still talk about how great Green & Associates used to be.  The thing is, our rankings are the best teams in TSL history, and some of Green & Associates championships came from the MileSports days before Topper and Lenny broke away and made history.  Green & Associates are like Ichiro putting up great stats in Japan before he jumped to MLB - they might have been the greatest in history, but they're not the greatest in OUR history.

 

Green & Associates are the #2 team in TSL history, but only if we don't consolidate Bobby's two teams into one.  If 1-2-3 Gawron and Eyes Downtown are considered the same team (we have no idea if they share any personnel besides Bobby) then that combined team would immediately supplant Green & Associates in the #2 spot with higher combined points (three combined D1 titles AND a D2 title).  And Eyes Downtown are still active, so they can continue to climb the chart with more championship wins.  

 

Public Enemy has the most championship wins at ANY level in TSL history with five, and of course all are in D1.  The only other team in TSL history with four championships is A&A, who first won D5, then D4, then publicly called out the D3 champions the same afternoon they won D4, then decided NOT to move up a division the next session and won D4 again, and then eventually won D2. 

 

There are three teams in TSL history to have won championships in three different divisions: Gryffindor (D2, D3, D4), Sticky Bandits (D2, D3, D4), and A&A (D2, D4, D5).  No team has ever won championships in four or more divisions, though individuals certainly have (Joey Batts for example has won D2, D3, D4 and D5, and is a betting favorite to win D1 this session).  The Sticky Bandits would become the only four division winner in TSL history if they win the D1 championship this session.

 

The 112 championships in League History were won by 78 different teams.  23 of these have won multiple championships, while 55 teams have won just a single championship.  We would have thought there would be a lot more success stories of teams winning one division just to move up and win another, but only 16 teams in TSL history have won championships in different divisions.

 

There are only 9 teams in TSL history that have won championships in back to back sessions, including four teams that moved up after winning their first division and still won again (Riley Street Station D4->D2, Dinner For Two D4->D3, Sticky Bandits D3->D2 and Spinelli's Plumbing D6->D5), three that won lower divisions and chose to stay there to win again (Hung Buffalo in D5, A&A in D4, Puckett All-Stars in D4) and two D1 teams that repeated as champions at the highest level (Green & Associates and Public Enemy each did it once; amazing there haven't been more repeat D1 winners in 20 seasons).  Riley Street Station is the only champion to ever move up two divisions the next session and still immediately win another championship.

 

Never mind consecutive championships: no team has EVER won either D3 or D6 twice at any point in TSL history.  Every other division has had at least one team win it multiple times.

 

There are a few active teams towards the top of our chart that could bolster their all-time ranking by winning a championship this Spring 2022 session, including Tight Ends in Motion (would jump from 7th to 3rd), Eyes Downtown (8th to 4th), Sticky Bandits (12th to 7th), and the DILFS (18th to 11th).  In total, 17 of our 46 currently active teams have won a championship at some point in our League history.

 

There are only two teams in TSL history to have won both D1 and a lower division championship: Tight Ends in Motion and 1-2-3 Gawron (both of whom won D2)

 

We hesitate to write this next part because although we absolutely mean it as a compliment, many will absolutely take it as disrespect: it's a known fact that the GameOn league is not as competitive as the TSL, and teams that come over to our League usually have to drop a couple divisions compared to what they were playing over there (GameOn D2 = TSL D4).  Having said that, we're told the Wanderers have won like ten of their D1 championships (we don't know the actual number), which is like winning ten of our D3 championships.  Rather than all that "they'd never win OUR D1" talk we heard at the bar last season, let's take a second to appreciate that even ten D3 championships would give them the equivalent of like 240 points in our weighting system, and rank them among the top teams of all-time regardless of where they've played.

 

Cobblestone was the last place team (0-9-1) in the lowest division in the first year of the TSL.  Their last championship was Spring of 2013, nine long years ago.  This season might be the best chance they've had in years to finally end the TSL's most prolific championship drought.  Coronas are on Darryl if they can pull it off!

 

So that's your objective, championship-based approach to the greatest teams in TSL history.  Don't like it?  Complain at the bar like everyone else.

 

***

Just a reminder that our Non-QB rankings next week are the Best Female Players in the League.  We DON'T have "championship stats" to support this ranking, so it will be entirely subjective based on Committee observations.  If you've got thoughts and want to highlight a girl that has stood out to you this season, let us know this week before it's too late!

Categories for the rest of the season are as follows:

  • May 19: Best Female Players in the League
  • May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
  • June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
  • June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  you don't like math based rankings and you wanted your team to be higher on the all-time list because you're just, like, so much better in your opinion?  you're furious that Peachy Platoon and the Tommy Hughes Experience somehow have the same ranking on our chart?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..    Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

 

Week 2 Rankings Spring 2022

Category: TSL QB Power Rankings
Created: Thursday, 28 April 2022 11:14
Published: Thursday, 28 April 2022 11:14
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 19

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

We always hate that these early season articles can't feature those "best offense / best defense" graphics you KNOW we love so much, because we're not deep enough into the session for those numbers to have any meaning yet.  But we DO have another long overdue treat for you this week instead!  Remember a million years ago when we were supposed to have our Fall banquet but COVID regulations forced us to cancel?  Well, we never got to hand out our awards from that session, which was a real bummer.  Instead, in the most anti-climactic way possible, we're just going to announce them here at the end of this week's QB Power Rankings article.  Congrats to all the winners below!

 

You're probably already scrolling to the bottom to see if you won anything so we forgive you if you're not reading this anymore, but we ARE a Quarterbacks Power Ranking article, and we're going to start with that first.  Here are your Top Fifteen QBs in the League after two weeks:

 

 

#1 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Beat Eyes Downtown 54-46

Hell has frozen over if the QB for our annual "Best at Bar" team is now #1 in the QB Rankings.  How could this happen?  Well, there were only two obvious candidates between Mike and Joey Batts, the ONLY starting QBs in D1 to have won a game so far this season (backup Andy Smigiera does not count).  Joey is undefeated, and Mike is not.  However the Sticky Bandits and Legends have played the exact same opponents, and Mike has scored over 40% more points than Joey (96 to 68).  The Sticky Bandits have allegedly scored a touchdown on every possession this year with a lineup that is, no disrespect intended, not as scary as Legends'.  Mike Thomas earns the #1 spot... at least until he plays Joey Batts this week.

 

#2 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 31-20 (Legends), beat Can't Touch This 52-14 (Stunts)

Imagine moving up to D1 and beating two former D1 champion teams to become the only undefeated QB in the division after two weeks... AND starting the season undefeated with your gender team in D4... and STILL not earning the #1 spot in the Power Rankings??  Are we punishing Joey for not running up the score more in games Legends had easily won?  It kind of feels like it.  Eventually all the winning will be impossible to ignore, and your former TSL Villain of the Year will be on top of the world (at least, the world of Co-Ed Touch Football Quarterback Power Rankings).  If Joey beats the Sticky Bandits this week, there's no way to keep him out of the top spot.  God help us all.

 

#3 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Lost to Sticky Bandits 54-46

Easily the most accomplished QB active in the TSL today started his season a somewhat shocking 0-2.  Scoring 46 points in a losing effort last week suggests the problem wasn't on the offensive side, but it's going to be harder and harder to win this incredibly competitive division if Bobby doesn't get a little more help from his defense.  And winning the division is, we're certain, all he cares about at this point as he tries to cement his legacy as an all-time great.  Unfortunately there are no easy opponents in D1 (Eyes Downtown debatably just lost to the easiest) so Bobby's next chance to get a win comes across an incredibly talented Tight Ends in Motion squad.  When was the last time Eyes Downtown lost three in a row?

 

#4 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Beat Grey Hair - Don't Care 38-31

The Notorious BNB are the highest scoring team in D2 at 41.5 PPG, one of two undefeated teams remaining in that division, and they seem to have shaken off whatever was holding them back last session.  Adding a few new receivers probably helped, although the core of the team looks about the same.  Alex is "notorious" (have we made that joke before?) for his smart style of football and dissecting other teams' defenses, but he'll still bust out an athletic play or two a game just to show you that he's not JUST brains.

 

#5 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Legends 31-20 (TEIM), lost to 4th & Something 37-34 (Buffalo Vice)

Tight Ends in Motion and Buffalo Vice both fall to 0-1 with Seth as their starting QB this year after he missed the first week of the season.  This feels like more like a blip than a trend as Seth was crushing it over the TSL winter session (which he won) just a couple months ago.  Both teams are stacked with talent so we fully expect him to turn it around quickly and maybe even challenge for the #1 spot in these Rankings sooner rather than later.  Either that, or his teams will mutiny and turn to Andy or Frank to salvage their seasons!

 

#6 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 32-25, beat Bullet Club 49-36

Alex Buchlis is SUCH a great quarterback, can't we just use this space to talk more about how great he is?  Oh fine, we should probably mention Hogan in our article this week, since he scored 81 points in a pair of D2 wins.  With a full squad behind him, there might not be a more dangerous QB in the League.  Unfortunately he's a lot better at throwing a football than he is finding reliable teammates, so "full strength" weeks like this are rare.  Enjoy your great teammates while you can Hogan, because you're damn near invincible when your people actually show up!

 

#7 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 31-20

DILFS are a real wild card to us.  They're capable of beating any team in their division, and capable of losing also.  Not that Scared Hitless is just "any team", but we assumed DILFS would take this one given how well they played in Week One.  Shame on us.  Dubey is still Dubey, so we'll never count them out, but do they have the consistency to rattle off a few wins in a row when the playoffs come around?  We'll see.

 

#8 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat DILFS 31-20

Somehow Dylan Day wasn't ranked in our Top Ten last week, which really calls into question the credibility of our Committee.  We wouldn't blame you if you stopped reading immediately.  Of COURSE he's always a Top Ten QB, which he proved this week with a big win over the veterans of DILFS.  Scared Hitless is one of two undefeated teams remaining in D2, and they have skill, the girls, and most importantly the QB to go the distance.  Who were the only two teams better than Scared Hitless in their division last season?  A&A and TopShot, both of whom are gone.  Maybe it's Hitless's time.  

 

#9 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No Dylan at the fields this week.  It sounds like Tommy Hughes did pretty damn well for Bullet Club in his absence though.  Dylan is great, but he's started exactly as many games for Bullet Club as Tommy has, so you wonder how much loyalty they'll have to their new QB if Dylan struggles next week against When Dove Cries...

 

#10 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Beat Sleezin Szn 44-43

Two last minute wins for Frodo Swaggins to start this season have them sitting pretty at 2-0 and Garrett is currently ranked as the top QB playing exclusively in D3.  For all his talk of becoming an old, out-of-shape sack of shit (his words, we're guessing) Garrett still plays like a young man out there when the game is on the line.  Can he pull two more W's out of his ass next week against Untouchaballs and Itches & Ohs?  We suspect he'll bring his "A" game against Burr and Moser.

 

#11 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Itches and Ohs 40-32

Untouchaballs are only one game into their season, but how much better can you start than 1-0 and leading your division's scoring at 40 PPG?  Last season Burr led his team to a 6-3 record, tied for second in the division with the Angels, right behind Grey Hair - Don't Care.  What do those other two teams have in common?  Neither are competing in D3 this session.  Maybe we should be talking about Untouchaballs as the early favorite to win this division?

 

#12 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Lost to the Notorious BNB 38-31

So it's not the start that Eickhoff was hoping for, but 0-2 isn't the end of the world.  DILFS and Notorious BNB are a rough start to the schedule, so the winless record isn't a total shocker.  Of course D2 doesn't really have any "bad" teams, so we're not sure it'll get much easier as they go.  Grey Hair is currently the lowest scoring team in D2 at 22.5 PPG.  They'll get better.  They have to, if they don't want the season to get away from them.

 

#13 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Lost to Frodo Swaggins 44-43

If you score 43 points, you should win your game.  Teams that have scored 43+ points in a game this season are off to a 9-2 record, with the only losses being Sleezin Szn and Eyes Downtown.  We know it's not Newman's fault, and we don't TRY to hold it against him in the Power Rankings that he's 0-1, but... if he were 1-0, we probably WOULD have him ranked a couple spots higher, right?

 

#14 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Beat Buffalo Vice 37-34

4th & Something, The Scotty Dro Show, The Keller Family Extravaganza, is off to a fantastic start this season.  Maybe we're misremembering this, but didn't they have a great start last season before falling back to a .500 record eventually?  Scotty's been working out though, saying his prayers, taking his vitamins, and this time maybe 4th & Something will keep it going and take advantage of a higher seeding in the playoffs.  The Kellers are wonderful people, Scotty won't want to let them down.

 

#15 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Lost to Untouchaballs 40-32

Itches and Ohs was statistically a mediocre team last session in D4, with the sixth best point differential per game in the regular season.  And then they won the whole damn thing in the playoffs behind an offensive attack that never let up.  We weren't sure how that was going to translate in D3, but so far the results are positive.  They beat Buffalo Vice last week (another up-jumped D4 team, but still a quality win) and nearly stole a W from Untouchaballs this week.  We think they'll be a tough out this year for most teams in D3.  Steve can play, and his sisters are as good as anyone.

 

One of the things we enjoy most about Power Ranking your quarterbacks every week is giving a little publicity to newer players the League doesn't quite know yet.  Sure, it's often the same names towards the top of the list, but the deeper we go in the Rankings, the more likely we are to talk about some guys you've maybe never heard of.  We always start each season by showing a Top Ten (which rarely includes anyone new) but expand throughout the season as we get to know some of the newer QBs who are often playing in lower divisions.  Problem is, it's tough to write about these guys until we figure out who they are!  Who is quarterbacking for Varsity Has Beens?  Or Can't Touch This?  Is the XMD quarterback the same guy who used to QB for DMX?  What about Today's Feast, or Red Zone Mafia, or Passing While Intoxicated?  We can't write about you if we don't know about you.  Oh, we'll figure it out eventually on our own if you play well, the QB Committee has eyes everywhere.  But if you want recognition sooner, shoot us an email at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and tell us about your QB.  Or don't, and read about Joey Batts every week instead (he's pretty great... just ask him, he'll tell you!)

 

***

 

2021 Fall Session Awards Winners

 

We're not sure how relevant this is anymore six months later (and two weeks into our next season!) but here are the Awards winners for last Fall session.  If we had had a banquet, you might have won a cool looking trophy or medal for one of our many awards categories.  Now all you get is your name on our website, and a complimentary drink from Topper at the fields this week (individual award winners only; Topper is not buying drinks for your whole team if you won a group award).  So if you've won something, make sure you find the man in charge at the bar this week!

 

For each category below we'll show the winner at the top, with the other finalists (who were announced a few months back during our winter session) listed underneath.  The other finalists are just in alphabetical order, this isn't a ranking of 2nd place, 3rd place etc.  The awards were voted on by our panel of experts as well as write-ins from team captains around the League (all captains were given the option to weigh in).  Sorry if we spelled your name wrong.

 

Better late than never, as they say.  Here we go!

 

D1 Male MVP

Mike Boccio - Winner

Chris Nelson 

Andy Smigiera

 

D1 Female MVP

Robin Makula - Winner

Emily Belfield

Emily Curry

 

D1 QB of the Year

Chris Cole - Winner

David "Bro" Kleckler

Bobby McConnell

 

D2 Male MVP

Sean Weisansal - Winner

Travis Cleavenger

Johnny Yioulos

 

D2 Female MVP

Melanie Linsmair - Winner

Casey Lawler

Jaimie Warren

 

D2 QB of the Year

Matty Ice - Winner

Dylan Day

Dylan Jaloza

Jeremy "Hogan" Olson

 

D3 Male MVP

Anthony Bargnesi - Winner

Jon Von

Nick Voss

 

D3 Female MVP

Maddie Norton - Winner

Rachel Parker

Emily Schilling

 

D3 QB of the Year

David Eickhoff - Winner

Garrett Beesing

Jeremy Burr

 

D4 Male MVP

Jeremy Streit - Winner

Dan Gonzalez

Craig Mikida

 

D4 Female MVP

Caitlyn Mason - Winner

Renee Lantz

Heather Simano

 

D4 QB of the Year

Steve Moser - Winner

TJ Ferguson

Brian Orzechowski

 

D5 Male MVP

Ryan Rusin - Winner

Ricky Booth

Ethan Ciemny

 

D5 Female MVP

Katie Swanson - Winner

Britney Matthews

Ellory Roberts

 

D5 QB of the Year

Nick Hawes - Winner

Paul Lovullo

Derek Pew

 

D6 Male MVP

Ron Webber - Winner

Nick Smith

Pete Walbrandt

 

D6 Female MVP

Mackenzie Neary - Winner

McKenzie Klun

Val Testa

 

D6 QB of the Year

John Langley - Winner

Ryan Henry

Steve Miller

 

Most Underrated Male

Adrian Cannon - Winner

Glenn Bird

Devin Linder

Joe Robison

Nick Smith

 

Most Underrated Female

Britney Matthews - Winner

Amy Denning

Amber Hay

Meg McInerney

Emma Patterson

 

Most Beloved Male

Dave Walter - Winner

Jay Jaskier

Tony Sanchez

Paul Scinta

Eric Stegmeier

 

Most Beloved Female

Val Cleavenger - Winner

Diana Bernal

Trish Esposito

Dorene Major

Lauren O'Brien

 

Best Defender (Male)

Greg Osika - Winner

Travis Cleavenger

Eric Delecki

Ralph Finney

Sean Weisansal

 

Best Defender (Female)

Jaimie Warren - Winner

Brandy Clarke

Emily Curry

Katie Keller

Christine Krol

 

Most Dedicated Male

Travis Cleavenger - Winner

Garrett Beesing

Tommy Hughes

Jay Jaskier

Joe Kurczewski

 

Most Dedicated Female

Emily Schilling - Winner

Diana Bernal

Jenna Blachura

Heather Cepuchowski

Steph Czaja

 

Best Referee

Jeremy Olson - Winner

Justin Garbacz

Billy Gunn

Jordan Lawson

Jeff May

 

Most Hated Villain

Steve Moser - Winner

Joey Battaglia

Blase LaDuca

Bobby McConnell

Nick Primerano

 

Player Too Good for Their Division

Laura Streeter (D4) - Winner

Seth Molisani (D4)

Rob Rummings (D6)

Katie Swanson (D5)

Sean Weisansal (D2)

 

Leonard Alba Person of the Year

Chris Cole - Winner

 

Storyline of the Year

Cole, Public Enemy retire on top - Winner

B's Brother finally makes his return

Gordon saves the bar from burning down

Jeremy Streit trades alcohol for championships

Kelly Kane - female QB superstar

 

Most Improved Team

Vaspian - Winner

Cobblestone

Grey Hair - Don't Care

Scared Hitless

Woodpeckers

 

Rookie Team of the Year

GUCCI - Winner

Lettuce Win

Slob Kabombs

Super Freaks

Today's Feast

 

Best at Bar

Zack Attack - Winner

A&A

Not So Sticky

TMA

TOX

 

Team of the Year

Public Enemy - Winner

A&A

Grey Hair - Don't Care

Spinelli's Plumbing

Scared Hitless

 

Thanks for the memories, Public Enemy!

 

***

Just a reminder that our Non-QB rankings are coming up starting May 12.  If you have any feedback on the categories below, shoot us an email and let us know.  If you do it before the rankings come out, maybe we'll listen to your advice.  Or you can just complain on Facebook when you don't like how our staff ranked you, your call!

  • May 12: Best Teams All-Time in the League
  • May 19: Best Female Players in the League
  • May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
  • June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
  • June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  you don't remember Boccio doing anything worthy of an MVP last Fall?  Hogan blew every call in one of your games and you can't BELIEVE he somehow won best referee?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..    Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

Week 3 Rankings

Category: TSL QB Power Rankings
Created: Thursday, 05 May 2022 13:15
Published: Thursday, 05 May 2022 13:15
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 12

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

We've expanded our coverage of the best passers in the League to a Top Twenty this week, so if you thought you JUST missed the cut with our Top Fifteen last week... well, we hope you aren't too disappointed when you didn't make the Top Twenty either.  Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 30-29 (Legends), beat Pucket All Stars 45-44 (Cunning Stunts)

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride... until now.  After a record 31 weeks in the Top Ten without cracking the #1 spot, the apocalypse is finally upon us: Joey Batts is the best quarterback in the TSL.  Undefeated in D1 with a two-game lead over every other team, undefeated in D4 with the Stunts... is there anything (besides humility) that Joey can't do?  Critics will point out he's still the lowest scoring QB in the top division, which is true.  But at some point winning has to matter, and a combined 6-0 start is impossible to ignore.

 

#2 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Lost to Legends 30-29

Whatever you thought of the "Mike vs Joey" debate last week, you probably haven't changed your mind this week.  If you thought Thomas deserved to be #1 last week for being the highest scoring QB in D1, well, he still is, by a good amount (there's a graph at the end of this article if you want a visual).  And if you thought Thomas didn't deserve to be #1 because he couldn't beat Legends, well, he didn't, falling one play short of what most would have considered an upset win.

 

#3 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 36-34

The "losing streak" (if two games can be considered a streak) is over for Eyes Downtown as Bobby led the team to their first win of the young season over a skeleton crew of Tight Ends in Motion players.  Rumors of frustration within the team had been heard throughout the League but hopefully a W puts Eyes Downtown back on track as D1 begins their next lap around the tiny division's schedule.  

 

#4 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat the Notorious BNB 41-28

There were two undefeated teams in D2 coming into this week, and now there is one.  Dylan Day, who we left out of our Top Ten entirely the first week of this season, is not the highest scoring QB in his division, but he's not far off either.  Remember when we didn't think these guys would beat All We Do is Qwinn a couple sessions ago?  They're beating everyone now.  If they ever find another Jaimie Warren cousin to throw out there, we might as well just hand them the D2 title.

 

#5 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 41-28

The Notorious BNB have played two of the top teams in their division to start the season, beating Passed Our Prime and losing to Scared Hitless.  They're second in the D2 standings, but their point differential of +3 is only fifth in their division right now.  Buchlis is putting up the points we would expect, but he's not getting much help from his defense this season (definitely Dave Baker's fault).  

 

#6 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game this week for Hogan outside of Breakfast Club.  Passed Our Prime currently leads D2 in scoring at 39.0 PPG.

 

#7 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Seth is easily the most talented quarterback to have not won a game yet this season.  What's that saying, "the most important ability is availability"?  TEIM and Vice need their QB to show up!

 

#8 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for DILFS this week.  How many people on DILFS are actually dads anyway?  And are we even sure we know what DILFS stands for?  Is it possible it's just short for "Dirty Interdimensional Lightning Falcons"?

 

#9 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Frodo Swaggins 35-28, beat Sleezin Szn 38-25

Untouchaballs are undefeated and the highest scoring team in D3.  Who else did you think was going to be the highest ranked QB in the division? (Okay, Seth doesn't count.)  This week will be the big showdown against also undefeated 4th & Something.  If Burr can lead the 'Balls (is anyone calling them that?) to a win, the race for the #1 seed might be all but locked up, as the combined record of the opponents they'll have left to face this season is just 1-5. 

 

#10 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Beat Itches & Ohs 49-32

49 points and a return to the Top Ten.  Not a bad week for Scotty Dro.  4th & Dong was a 7th place team last session, so why is 4th & Something so much better?  Is a "something" better than a dong??  We miss the days when Scotty would send us emails explaining his greatness to us.  Why has he not written for our website yet?

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to When Dove Cries 30-13 (Bullet Club); did not play for Freeballers

Dylan Jaloza was missing many of his weapons on Bullet Club this past week and dropped a game to When Dove Cries.  We tend to blame the team instead of the quarterback in this case: Going back to the start of 2021 (pre-Dylan), Bullet Club is 3-18 in the regular season, and might want to think about a drop to D3 next session if they can't get more consistency with attendance.

 

#12 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Lost to Untouchaballs 35-28, lost to Itches & Ohs 42-41

If you're looking for an exciting game to watch next week, it seems like every Frodo Swaggins game this year comes down to the bitter end.  Garrett Beesing has Swaggins sitting at 2-2 right now with a +0 point differential on the season... and they would be 4-0 if they could just play some defense at some point.  Tough to win when you've given up 35, 42 and 43 points in your last three games.

 

#13 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Grey Hair has the week off, and continues to wait for their first W of the 2022 Spring season.

 

#14 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Lost to 4th & Something 49-32, beat Frodo Swaggins 42-41

The masked ninja went 1-1 in his doubleheader on Saturday, beating Frodo Swaggins by a point and losing to 4th & Something by 17.  It's the same story as last season: Itches seems to about break even on point differential, both scoring and giving up huge amounts of points every game (the "Passed Our Prime" of D3 you might say).

 

#15 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for Spinelli's Plumbing this week, but it's the first time we've included Nick in our rankings this season so we should point out he is throwing for THE highest scoring team in the League at 54.0 PPG, a mile ahead of the next best team.  Also worth noting: the QBs of the only other two teams that are scoring more than 40 PPG (see our graph below) are currently #1 and #2 in our Power Rankings.  Doesn't seem fair that Nick is only #15, right?

 

#16 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No Newman at the fields this week.  You can copy and paste Seth Molisani's blurb from above and it basically works for Newman too.

 

#17 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Beat Can't Touch This 22-6

Remember when everyone on Practice Squad was injured last season and they were terrible?  Yeah, we barely remember that either.  B has the Squad off to a 3-0 start, and THIS is the type of team we expect out of these guys.  It looks like there will be four teams that are a cut above the rest in D4, and none of them have played each other yet.  Bound to happen soon, and that'll separate the contenders from the pretenders.

 

#18 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Lost to Cunning Stunts 45-44

93% of other teams that have scored 44 points in a game this season have won that game.  On Saturday, Puckett did not.  In fact they've lost their last two games by a total of three points, which must be heartbreaking.  They'll make the playoffs (TJ and company are too good not to, even in a division with 12 teams) but they won't go very far if they can't close out the big games.

 

#19 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Beat Today's Feast 42-20

Cunning Stunts and Spinelli's are scoring tons of points right now, but the next best offense in this division currently belongs to XMD.  Jeff Jenkins has won a million games in this league before with DMX... and now he has one with XMD.  Today's Feast isn't exactly the strongest signature win, but hey, you've got to start somewhere.

 

#20 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Beat TMA 30-22, beat Come From Behind 40-6

Last session Darryl had a D5 roster masquerading as a D3 team, and this session he has a D3 roster masquerading as a D5 team.  No surprise, he seems to be having a lot more fun this session.  Cobblestone is STACKED with talent and they're the only remaining undefeated team in their division.  It's been a while since we've seen these guys in a championship game... feels like this is the season it happens.  

 

***

We've said many, many times in this article already that we didn't want to show team performance charts yet because it's way too early in the season for that stuff to have any meaning.  And that's true.  But screw it, here's a "way too early to mean anything" chart for you on each team's points per game (sorted by division).  And we added the Super Bowl era Buffalo Bills at the bottom as a comparison so you can see how much better (or worse) you are.  As always, forfeit games are excluded from the numbers below.

 

 

***

Just a reminder that our Non-QB rankings start NEXT WEEK with the "Best Teams of All-Time in the League".  Did Titsburgh Feelers make the cut?  Probably not!

If you have any feedback on the categories below, especially this week's, shoot us an email and let us know.  If you do it before the rankings come out, maybe we'll listen to your advice.  Or you can just complain on Facebook when you don't like how our staff ranked you, your call!

  • May 12: Best Teams All-Time in the League
  • May 19: Best Female Players in the League
  • May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
  • June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
  • June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  you're already fuming at your team's exclusion from next week's Best Teams of All Time list?  you want us to rank something else like Best Looking Female Players or Biggest Loudmouths?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..    Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

Week One Power Rankings

Category: TSL QB Power Rankings
Created: Thursday, 21 April 2022 20:08
Published: Thursday, 21 April 2022 20:08
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 33

 

Welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  If you've read our article in the past (if for no other reason than to complain about how wrong we are) then you’re familiar with the concept – every week we share our rankings for the Top QBs in the League and discuss who’s trending up and who's trending down.  We on the QB Power Rankings Committee are not what you'd call "great writers" (or even "very good" writers... check out the Godfather if you want better writing) so we typically lean heavily on graphs and stats instead... at least, we do after a few weeks, when there's significant enough data to bother sharing.  In our season opening articles we also make a few predictions for the session and re-print an explanation of how these Power Rankings work, which we've copied and pasted almost verbatim from previous articles.

 

So a little Q&A to refresh your memories:

 

“There are 52 teams in the TSL this season!  Are you going to show rankings for all 52 starting QB’s every week?”

Not even close.  At minimum, the Top Ten will be shown EVERY week.  We always expand as the season goes on, so you'll see a Top 15, Top 20... last season we got to a Top 30, so we do try to be inclusive.

 

“Is this going to be heavily biased towards the higher divisions?”

In a word: yes.  The purpose of a Power Ranking is to highlight the absolute best in the League, and for the most part the best are competing AGAINST the best.  We will absolutely be acknowledging the performances (good and bad) of Quarterbacks in the lower divisions as well, but it's rare that a lower division QB will crack the Top Ten or Fifteen, and that's the way it should be.  Generally speaking if you don't like your ranking, our advice is to try moving up a division next session.  The better your competition, the more credibility you earn for beating it.

 

"Are gender team QBs treated differently in the Rankings?"

Not really.  A team's a team, and although gender team scores tend to be a little higher (every TD = minimum 8 points) we don't see much difference.  It takes skill to win with men; it takes skill to win with women.  The biggest knock on gender teams is that they tend to play in lower divisions and as we said above, we do factor THAT into our rankings.

 

"How are you ranking backup QBs if they come in and play better than some other team's starter?"

Generally we're only ranking one QB per team, even if you've got a player on your bench that you think could be a successful starter elsewhere.  And for teams with unreliable QBs who don't show up often enough for us to even KNOW who the starter is, we often leave them out of our rankings entirely... as they say, the best "ability" is "availability".  If you want to get ranked, show up and play as often as you can.  

 

"I'm new to this League and people don't know me yet!  How do I get ranked when I'm still an unknown?"

For starters, you should play really well.  If you're scoring a lot of points, we WILL notice you.  There are several new teams this session, so we probably DON'T know who you all are yet.  Email us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to introduce yourself, and please, be patient.  If you're the highest scoring team in the League in Week 2, that doesn't mean we're anointing you as the next Chris Cole just yet.  Keep at it, play well, and we promise eventually we will recognize you.

 

"What about Breakfast Club QBs?"

Breakfast Club is for fun, not crushing your opponents.  We don't put a lot of stock in the stats from Breakfast Club, and typically don't include it in our Rankings.

 

“So you’re only ranking QB’s… what about the rest of us?”

Oh, we didn’t forget about the rest of you.  In addition to the QB Rankings, we will do our best to put out other rankings that the rest of you can enjoy – best team offenses, best team defenses, best referees, best male receivers, best female receivers, best at bar …  ranking anything is always fun.  Unless we rank you last, of course.  Unlike previous years where we just sort of threw out random rankings throughout the season, we're going to TRY to keep a little more structure this session.  See a list of dates below for what we plan to rank each week (besides, of course, quarterbacks).

 

“You keep saying ‘we’.  Who is writing this?  Who determines these rankings?”

Don’t worry about who’s writing this.  Let’s be honest: If you knew who was on our Committee (there's a few of us), you would incessantly whine to them about why you or your QB should be ranked higher every week.  Anonymity is key for journalism THIS important.  

 

And that's how the Power Rankings work.  We expect it's going to be an incredible season, with fifty-ish teams battling for TSL supremacy.  Our official predictions for this year (with the benefit of one week already being in the books, of course): 

  • There are no undefeated teams in any divisions, but at least one team will go winless
  • Spinelli's Plumbing wins a championship for the second season in a row
  • There will be exactly three different QBs to reach #1 in our Power Rankings this season
  • Zack Attack finishes with the #1 defense in the League
  • Steph Infection beats Liddle Deaks in the Breakfast Club finals
  • TMA makes, and loses, the D5 Finals game this session

 

But what do we know?  We went "2 and a half" out of 6 on last year's predictions:

  • Chris Cole goes undefeated in the regular season and reclaims the top spot in the Power Rankings [We were MOSTLY right here as Cole finished #1, but Public Enemy (R.I.P.) did lose a single game.  We'll take half credit.]
  • Passed Our Prime will be the highest scoring team in the TSL this season across all divisions [Nope.  They weren't even the highest scoring in their own division, and finished 9th in the League.]
  • Breast Friends will be the highest scoring gender team in the TSL, and win exactly zero games by forfeit this season [Right and right.  40.6 PPG and not one forfeit win, after taking three the season before.]
  • TSL Legend Darryl Carr finishes the season with a higher rank than TSL Legend Topper [Wrong.  Topper, presumably motivated by this slight, finished last season 10th to Darryl's 20th.]
  • A QB we've never heard of will finish the season in the Top 15 [You know what?  We're going to say we got this right with Jeremy Burr.  Sure, we'd all heard of Burr the receiver, but Burr the QB was an unknown and he finished last season ranked #13.]
  • Dave Eickhoff, ranked 26th at the end of last season, will make his return to the Top Ten at some point this season [Not quite, as Eickhoff peaked at #15 last season.  It had been 31 weeks in a row with Eickhoff missing the Top Ten, until (spoiler alert) he finally made it back this week, courtesy of his D3 championship win last season.]  

 

So there you go.  Let's get to the first QB Power Rankings of the Spring 2022 Season.  It's going to look a LOT different at the top this season without some of the League legends you're used to seeing at the fields: 

  • Perennial #1 Chris Cole retired on top, and this will mark the first Power Rankings in TSL history where he isn't ranked... he had been in our Top Three for 39 consecutive weeks spanning all five seasons we've been doing this.  Bobby McConnell would have to remain in our Top Three for another three straight seasons to tie that mark.  Which might become easier than you'd think for Bobby, because...
  • Bro Kleckler has retired (or is taking a break) from football this session, which means 100% of our D1 champions from 2021 are not playing this season.  Tight Ends in Motion have merged with Slob Kabombs to make their super team even more super, and Seth Molisani will now be QBing for last season's runner-up team.
  • Matty Ice retired within SECONDS of winning D2 and declared himself the all-time greatest on his way out.

 

Who's left and ready to step up in the absence of these legends?  Let's take a look!

 

 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Lost to Legends 37-16

Eliminating Cole and Bro in the same week was supposed to cement Bobby as the undisputed #1 in the TSL.  Instead he puts up 16 points in a losing effort to Legends, and is now the lowest scoring QB in D1.  So why is he starting the season at #1?  A body of work at least a decade in the making, that's why.  Putting anyone else in the #1 freakin' spot one week into the season would feel very premature considering only four people have EVER earned that honor to date (there's a trivia question for you, name all four).  Bobby has earned the right to the top spot this week.. but he's going to have to do better it if he wants to stay on top.

 

#2 Joey Batts - Legends

Last Week:  Beat Eyes Downtown 37-16

Mrs. Battaglia's baby boy made a strong D1 debut with Legends this week, decisively beating Eyes Downtown.  This was a lot better than his Gryffindor D1 debut... didn't those guys go like 0-9?  Someone ought to look that up.  In fact up until last season (when he only QBed for the Stunts) Joey was one of only two QBs (the other being Chris Cole) to have NEVER fallen out of the Top Ten before.  Now he's immediately in contention for the #1 spot.  Oh, and the Stunts won too.  Batts 2, Opponents 0.

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Lost to Tight Ends in Motion 48-42

For the second straight D1 pairing in these rankings, we've ranked the losing team's quarterback higher than the winning team's.  Doesn't make a lot of sense to you?  We don't care.  Thomas dropped 42 points on one of the best defenses in the League last week.  No disrespect to the Sticky Bandits, but they are not the best defense in the League, and they needed every point from their QB to keep up, which Mike gave them.  Everyone else in D1 seems to have loaded up on new superstars this session, but the Sticky Bandits just keep doing their thing with the same guys.  We respect the consistency.

 

#4 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 48-42 (Seth did not play)

People often said to us "Bro's not THAT good, ANYONE could win with that kind of talent on Tight Ends!"  Huh, maybe they were right.  No Bro, no Seth, no Kyle, and Tight Ends in Motion won with like their fourth choice of QB in Andy Smigiera this week (sorry if we're spelling that wrong).  Andy is actually REALLY good, as anyone who has played against him will attest to, but yeah, Seth gets penalized a bit this week because a) he wasn't there, and b) Tight Ends didn't seem to need him that much.

 

#5 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Beat Passed Our Prime 45-36

Finally, a winner ranked higher than the QB of the team he just beat.  BNB struggled last season with their new team, turned things around in the winter session, and are now off to the races with 45 points in their first game of the Spring session.  This is the sort of performance we were expecting more of last Fall. Also the Power Rankings Committee demands to know the status of Alex's father, as he hasn't been seen at the fields in at least a few seasons.  If B's Brother can make a comeback, why not Doctor Buchlis?

 

#6 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Beat Grey Hair - Don't Care 33-14

Dubey peaked in our Power Rankings at #2 three years ago, and then climbed back to #3 a year and a half ago.  We think he's back on the "dominant" part of his up-and-down cycle, at least for the time being.  DILFS could be serious contenders this season, but like most years, it may come down to the consistency and attendance of their QB.

 

#7 Jeremy Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Lost to the Notorious BNB 45-36

[Editor's note: Sorry Hogan, your original write-up got lost in the copy/paste process and we never replaced the #7 Week One blurb from last season.  Clearly Topper doesn't have the budget for proof-readers, since all his money goes to his poolside cabana.  The TSL sends its deepest regrets that we weren't able to promptly describe your loss this week to our readers.  This is what we meant to say:]

 

Stop us if you've heard this before:  Passed Our Prime was missing some players, Hogan scored nearly 40 points, lost anyway with poor defense.  Sean is going to be an absolute monster on this roster and you know Hogan is going to deliver on offense (Passed Our Prime nearly won the whole winter session behind their high scoring attack) but defensive questions always seem to plague this team.  We suspect they'll get some of their swagger back when they crush When Dove Cries next week.

 

#8 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 31-29

The implosion of TopShot is Bullet Club's gain this season as they get a steady hand to guide their team at QB.  It'll be interesting to see how Dylan responds to the change in team - TopShot was all young guns, while Bullet Club has the veteran leadership and savvy, especially with the addition of Non-Award Winning Tommy Hughes.  A two point loss in week one won't define their season, but how Dylan gels with his new receivers over the next eight weeks will.  We think he'll do fine.

 

#9 Patrick McGovern - When Dove Cries

Last Week:  Did Not Play

When Dove Cries starts the season with a bye but the rumor is that Topper isn't physically cleared to compete yet after some off-season surgery.  Expect his Power Ranking to drop the longer he's absent (although hey, it might drop even faster if he comes back and plays like his usual self...)

 

#10 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Lost to DILFS 33-14

Grey Hair - Don't Care was a little outclassed by DILFS in their D2 debut but we think they've got the talent to do fine in their new division this session.  Eickhoff is coming off a D3 championship and a surprisingly dominant indoor season, so we expect he'll be a contender this season come playoffs.  Welcome back to the Top Ten Dave!

 

So that's a look at where we stand after one week.  As always, we will expand coverage throughout the season to cover more and more QBs, but it's difficult when seemingly half the League hasn't played a game yet AND we're not even sure who's throwing for every team yet.  We'll get there.

 

**

 

For all you TSL history buffs out there that want to know QB Power Rankings data stretching back before the Top Ten chart shown above, here is the entire history of the Top Ten going back the past four seasons that we've been Power Ranking (season three being shortened by one week due to COVID issues):

 

 

UGLY chart... but thorough!  This is our summary version of the above, showing cumulative points for the last five seasons for every QB who has EVER cracked the Top Ten.  Here's how it works: you get 10 points for a first place week, 1 point for a tenth place week, and zero points for not making the Top Ten at all that week.  Active QBs (as far as we know) are highlighted so you can see who has the best chance to move up this season.  Gives you a fairly accurate sense of who our top QBs have been over the past five seasons we think (obviously biased towards people that have been here the longest over that stretch):

 

 

**

And finally, here is our schedule for what we plan to rank this season OTHER than just our usual QB Rankings.  If you have feedback ahead of these articles and you want to weigh in, you can always email us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  If you email us AFTER the fact to complain about how much you hated them, we'll just tell you that you should have let us know sooner!

 

  • May 12: Best Teams All-Time in the League
  • May 19: Best Female Players in the League
  • May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
  • June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
  • June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  you want to see those "Best in the League" graphs while your team is riding a hot 1-0 start to the season?  you are already angry that you're not going to be mentioned in all those Non-QB rankings and you want to complain in advance?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..    Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

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