Pre-Season Review

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Category: TSL QB Power Rankings

Created: Friday, 14 August 2020 16:31

Published: Friday, 14 August 2020 16:31

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 1654

TSL Quarterback Rankings – Pre-Season Review

Welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  If you read the article last year (and there must have been at least a few of you) then you’re familiar with the concept – every week we share our rankings for the Top Ten QBs in the League, and discuss who’s trending up and who's trending down.  We on the QB Power Rankings Committee are not what you'd call "great writers" (or even "very good" writers... check out the Godfather and the Sentinel if you want better writing) so we lean heavily on graphs and stats instead.  For our pre-season article each session, we like to make a few predictions and re-print an explanation of how these Power Rankings work, which we've copied and pasted almost verbatim from the last two sessions' pre-season reviews  (See?  Lazy writing...)  

So a little Q&A to refresh your memories:

“Are you going to show rankings for all 44 starting QB’s every week?”

No, just the Top Ten will be shown EVERY week, but the write-up will have commentary on other rising and falling QBs throughout the League as well.  We often expand to a Top 15 or Top 20 as the season goes on, whenever we're feeling ambitious.  Stay tuned.

“Is this going to be heavily biased towards the higher divisions?”

The top ten probably will be, sure, and we have no issue with that.  The purpose of a Power Ranking is to highlight the best in the League, and for the most part the best are competing AGAINST the best.  But we will absolutely be acknowledging the performance (good and bad) of Quarterbacks in the lower divisions as well.  Last year we said "we doubt a pure D5 quarterback will ever crack the Top Ten, but we will try our best to cover all divisions in the write-up, every week", and then Larry Chruscial of D5 shocked the world taking the #10 spot for a couple of weeks.  So anything is possible, but generally speaking if you don't like your ranking, our advice is to try moving up a division next session.  The better your competition, the more credibility you earn for beating it.

“So you’re only ranking QB’s… what about the rest of us?”

Oh, we didn’t forget about the rest of you.  In addition to the QB Rankings, we will do our best to put out other rankings that the rest of you can enjoy – best team offenses, best team defenses, best referees, best at bar …  ranking anything is always fun.  Unless we rank you last, of course.

“You keep saying ‘we’.  Who is writing this?  Who determines these rankings?”

Don’t worry about who’s writing this.  Let’s be honest: If you knew, you would incessantly whine to that person or persons about why you or your QB should be ranked higher every week.  Anonymity is key for journalism THIS important.  

Last year's pre-season article predicted a big rise in the rankings from Dean Thompson (we were right! he finished the year 6th in the League) and a big drop in the rankings from old man Topper (we were wrong! he actually fought his way back into the top ten and finished the year ranked 5th).  Our big predictions for this year:  Matty Ice PLUMMETS in the rankings (okay, that was an easy one); Joey Batts cracks the Top Five once again (it's good to see some people aren't afraid of D1...); Blase LaDuca cracks the Top Ten (fortune favors the bold, and the Power Rankings favor ambitious QBs that move up two divisions); Darryl Carr remains undefeated at #1 on the Quarterback Hair Rankings; Lucas Kramer from Vaspian, with a year of experience under his belt, has a break-out season to flirt with Top Ten status.  But what do we know?  

So there you go.  We don’t have any new “pre-season rankings” for you, because there are new teams and new faces and we don't know all the contenders yet. But here are the final “Top 20” rankings from the end of Fall 2019’s regular season (which might have looked different if we had re-ranked them after playoffs…): 

For all you TSL history buffs out there that want to know QB Power Rankings data stretching back before the chart shown above, here is the entire history of the Top Ten going back the past two seasons that we've been Power Ranking:

Chris Cole, Matty Ice and Joey Batts are the only three QBs to be ranked in the Top Ten every week since the Power Rankings began.  Mark Dalfonso missed out in the first ever week of Power Rankings (a shameful omission on our part, but we can't correct it now), Bobby McConnell missed the beginning of the Spring 2019 season and wasn't ranked for four weeks (though his backup consistently made the Top Five in his place... maybe anyone could succeed surrounded by that much talent?) and Matt Newman missed one week as well (don't blame us, he should have played better).

Excluding the week he should have been ranked but wasn't, Mark Dalfonso has never left the Top Five (average rank: 3.13).  Matty Ice has never left the Top Five period (average rank: 3.06).  Excluding the injury weeks he wasn't ranked, Bobby has never left the Top FOUR (average rank: 2.58), and is your current #1 QB in the League.  Chris Cole has never left the Top THREE (average rank: 1.56) and has a TSL record 10 consecutive weeks at #1.  This is your Top Tier of TSL Quarterbacks ladies and gentlemen, the gold standard you have to beat if you want to be considered the best of the best.  Good luck with that!

One final note on Power Rankings: Rameer always insisted in "the Rant" that he wasn't on the Power Ranking committee.  That was true, he wasn't.  But we loved fiercely debating these Rankings with Rameer at the bar every week.  He often disagreed with our QB assessments and was never one to be shy about his opinions.  He will 100% be missed, as he was such a big part of the fabric that made the TSL great.  If you want to know a little about Rameer's thoughts and rankings though, we recommend you go back to Week 7's QB Power Rankings from last Fall (you can still find it on the website if you do a little digging) and scroll down to the "Top 21 Impact Players of the TSL".  Rameer didn't fully write that list, but he fought hard for the inclusion of most of those people (he also fought for several others that we did NOT include, so if your name isn't there, it's probably not Rameer's fault!).  We will miss you Rameer.

As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  not enough attention devoted to the Quarterback Hair Rankings?  our gross abuse of parentheses as a literary crutch for writing thoughts within thoughts?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..   

What’s YOUR ranking?

TSL Quarterback Power Rankings – Week 7

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Category: TSL QB Power Rankings

Created: Wednesday, 09 October 2019 19:53

Published: Wednesday, 09 October 2019 19:53

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 4330

Quick note before we get started – every week we start our article by ranking Quarterbacks, and this week is no different.  But we’ve ALSO done a non-Quarterback ranking at the end of the article this week, which some of you may find interesting/infuriating.  Enjoy!

***

The Power Rankings spotlight always shines brightest on D1, where the super heavyweights slug it out for ultimate co-ed touch football supremacy.  We start this article every week by highlighting who’s at the TOP of the Rankings, and through two seasons, that has always been a D1 quarterback (and that’s no different this week of course).  Fair enough.  But with Bobby McConnell #1 and Mark Dalfonso #2 both on byes (yes, I’m ignoring Bobby’s stellar sub work for Matty’s Angels… he’s already #1 in the rankings, we don’t have to talk him up every week), the biggest positional battle in our Top Ten this week is between Matthew Ditullio and Patrick McGovern, aka Matty Ice vs Topper. 

Their two “undefeated” D2 teams clashed this week (let’s ignore their inter-division losses to D1 teams for just a moment, we’ll get back to those later), which WOULD have been a showdown worthy of legend, if Matty hadn’t been out of town.  Hofbrauhaus Buffalo took the 64-34 win over A&A in a battle that proves… well, we’re not sure.  A&A apparently can’t win a game without their fearless leader, which either speaks to Matty’s irreplaceable value to his team, or their lack of planning to carry a serviceable backup QB on their roster (or both).  Either way, tricky to say how much meaning we should give to Hofbrauhaus’s win this week.  On the one hand, we try not to subscribe to the whole “punishing you in the Power Rankings for ditching your team” philosophy, so we don’t want to hold Matty’s absence against him.  On the other hand, it seems unfair not to give Topper SOME credit for the win, because it’s still 64 points he scored against A&A’s defense.

Ignoring their game against each other for a minute, A&A and Hofbrauhaus Buffalo have each played games against Peachy Platoon, Slytherin That End Zone, Bullet Club, Energy Buff, and We Back this season (back when We Back was STILL We Back).  Hofbrauhaus Buffalo had a slightly tougher cross-divisional schedule this season losing to Public Enemy this week (A&A lost to a slightly weaker Tight Ends in Motion team at the same time), but we’re going to ignore that for the time being, as well as A&A’s win earlier this season against Dilf’s, since Hofbrauhaus Buffalo hasn’t played them yet.  Against five common opponents, both teams went 5-0, with Hofbrauhaus outscoring their opponents 215-61 and A&A outscoring those same opponents 192-127.  Clearly Hofbrauhaus has been the better team with a massive edge in point differential in these games (+154 vs +65) but the offensive numbers really aren’t THAT different, with Hofbrauhaus leading by only 23 points against common opponents.  Still, when we look at it this way, it’s tough to come to any conclusion other than “Topper has been slightly better than Matty so far this season”. 

Any argument for keeping Matty ABOVE Topper in the standings essentially boils down to “we should give him extra credit for his dominating performances with Matty’s Angels”.  Is that fair?  Depends how you look at it.  Matty’s Angels is THE highest scoring team in the League by almost a full touchdown, and Matty is the straw that stirs the drink.  How do you ignore that??  We typically don’t, and credit Matty accordingly for his dominance on both teams.  But if we’re not going to punish Matty for not playing against Hofbrauhaus this week, then why would we punish Topper for not playing against D4 teams this season?  Both QBs have the same flawless record against the same opponents, but Topper’s done it a little bit better. 

This is all an incredibly long way of saying that Topper #4 moves up one spot this week to his highest Power Rankings position ever.  Matty drops to #5, which the self-proclaimed Fall 2019 TSL MVP won’t like – but the good news for Matty is that he doesn’t have to get used to it.  Up next is the classic we WANTED last week, as Hofbrauhaus Buffalo and A&A play each other again in the D2 #1 vs #2 Ladder Match game… and this time (hopefully) it’ll really be Matty vs Topper, with D2 supremacy on the line.

That’s more than enough Topper and Matty coverage.  Here are your Week Seven TSL Quarterback Power Rankings:

One question we get ALL the time is “how do you compare QBs in different divisions?”  If you’ve read this article at all, you know it’s an issue we struggle with every week, and we’re not always completely consistent with the way we address it.  Generally you’re going to be ranked higher if you’re playing against better competition, which is why the QB of 1-7 Gryffindor is always going to be higher than the QB of 7-2 Zack Attack (does anyone think Joey wouldn’t be undefeated in D6?).  This isn’t always true, as the QB of We Back likely would have struggled against All We Do Is Quinn (everyone struggles against AWDIQ) but as a guideline it makes sense to weight the division you play in.  People will “politely” say to us “but I’m X-X and throwing for XXX points per week, how am I not rated higher???”.  If your standing in the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings means a lot to you, our suggestion is to move up a division next year.  You WILL win fewer games, and feel like less of a badass when you’re not rolling to 30 point wins every week, but there’s no better way to show people what you’re made of than to take on and beat the established QBs on this chart.  Look at Joe Miano, who couldn’t move higher than the 17^th ranking last season in D6.  He and his (admittedly improved) Jabronies squad moved up to D3 this season, and although they’re not setting the world on fire (tied for the third in the division, 5-3-1 record, -5 point differential on the season) it absolutely got Joe noticed, and he’s now a regular contender for the Top Ten.

If you still think level of competition shouldn’t matter for the Ranking, and that maybe your QB is “just as good” as people in higher divisions, remember this: D1 had five crossover games against D2 teams this session and they won them all, by a combined score of 212-92.  Gryffindor is 0-7 to date against D1, and 1-0 against D2.  As we said earlier, Hofbrauhaus Buffalo and A&A were undefeated against their own division, and both got smoked by D1 teams this week (Chris Cole #3 of Public Enemy, and Mike McKenrick #10 of Tight Ends in Motion respectively).  We’re not saying it’s EASY to move up a division, but at least you can understand why some of these guys are consistently ranked towards the top.

***

Peachy Platoon beats Schilling Em Softly 39-20 this week, but Dean’s thumb is injured so he didn’t quarterback.  Dean #6 keeps his spot this week.  Slytherin That End Zone also had the week off, so Matt Newman #8 is not moving either.

Vince Taverna #7 is lucky to keep his ranking too this week, after dropped a 38-36 game against Frodo Swaggins.  Just when we were all ready to count Scotty Drosendahl #12 out, Frodo comes up with the huge win.  This is a team that scored 70+ points late last season against 3^rd & Schlong.  Maybe Scotty saves his best work for the end of the season?  AWDIQ finish at 6-3 and currently hold the #2 seed in Division 3, but if Frodo can finish out next week with one more win against the Sticky Bandits, they’ll jump both Jabronies and Quinn in the standings to steal the #2 seed for themselves.  That’d be pretty good, for a quarterback that was recently described on our own website as “all the makings to be great with his witticism, skill set and can-do attitude but seems to always fall short when the games on the line”.

Joey Batts #9 went 1-1 this week for Cunning Stunts, beating Buffalo Solar Solutions 43-42 (who were without Andy Clark #17) and losing a shocker to Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers 62-44.  Uncle Rico’s started the season on our “worst point differentials, worst defense” etc lists, but they’ve clawed their way back to respectability lately by winning their last three games by a combined 152-97.  Sure, their defense is still abysmal (DEAD last in the League at 45 ppg against) but Tim Zielinski #20 has the offense rolling (11^th best in the League at 34 ppg) and has earned his way into our TSL QB Power Rankings Top Twenty.  Uncle Rico’s plays Buffalo Solar Solutions this week, which could cause Tim and Andy to flip spots if Rico’s can keep the magic going.

No Punt Intended finish the season 7-2 with a 42-35 win over Ultimate Warriors, and they’ve locked up the #1 seed in D3.  We wish we could reward Kyle Conniff #11 in the Power Rankings, but with Mike McKenrick guiding TEIM past A&A this week, there’s really no path for promotion here.  Kind of ironic, since Kyle plays on TEIM as well – maybe he can drop a few passes next week to make Tight Ends lose to Marketing Mayors?  That WOULD open up a spot for him in the Top Ten…  

Joe Miano #13 drops a spot as the Jabronies beat Vaspian 34-18 (who themselves had just beaten Ultimate Warriors 28-22) and then immediately drop one to End Game by a score of 25-7. Lots to unpack here in this D3 Power Rankings knot.  The Jabronies have had incredible shootouts this year, but they’ve also lost two games with scores in the single digits.  Which team is going to show up for playoffs?  Doesn’t seem fair that Joe gets punished one spot in the Rankings this week for going 1-1, but we’ve rewarded the Vaspian quarterback they just BEAT (he moves up one spot this week) for going 1-1 as well.  Lucas Kramer #19 is really benefiting from Scott Pinto #21 dropping out of the Top Twenty (great offense, but you have to win some games!) and Joe is unfortunately being punished because Scotty beat AWDIQ… that’s just the way it goes sometimes, as you’re competing with the people right around you in the Power Rankings.  David Eickhoff #16 moves up two spots this week with his win over Jabronies.  End Game struggled at times this season, but they’ve beaten two good teams in the last two weeks (Frodo being last week’s victim) and they’re poised to make a playoff run if they can keep it going.  We really wish D3 teams didn’t play so many doubleheaders, as these paragraphs aren’t fun to write.

Scott Keller Sr #14 drops one ranking this week due to his bye week combined with the Frodo win.  Ricky Austin #18 rises one ranking this week due to his bye week combined with the Ultimate Warriors loss.  Larry Chruscial #15 had a bye week and kept his ranking from last week.  And there’s your Top Twenty.

***

Here are a few quick hits on your TSL team leaders after six weeks (excluding We Back):

·         Best Offensive Team (total points) – Matty’s Angels, 419

·         Best Offensive Team Non-Gender (total points) – All We Do Is Quinn, 370

·         Best Offensive Team (points per game) – Matty’s Angels, 52.4

·         Best Offensive Team Non-Gender (points per game) – Over Compensators, 46.4

·         Worst Offensive Team (total points) – Pink Pteratacos, 85

·         Worst Offensive Team (points per game) – Pink Pteratacos, 14.2

·         Best Defensive Team (total points against) – En Fuego, 127

·         Best Defensive Team (points against per game) – En Fuego, 15.9

·         Worst Defensive Team (total points against) – Ultimate Warriors, 347

·         Worst Defensive Team (points against per game) – Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers, 45

·         Best Point Differential (total points) – Matty’s Angels, +254

·         Best Points Differential Non-Gender (total points) – Over Compensators, +180

·         Best Point Differential (points per game) – Matty’s Angels, +31.8

·         Best Point Differential Non-Gender (points per game) – Over Compensators, +25.7

·         Worst Point Differential (total points) – Blitzkrieg, -130

·         Worst Point Differential (points per game) – Pink Pteratacos, -19.0

·         Longest Current Win Streak – TIE: Eyes Downtown, Over Compensators, 7

·         Longest Current Losing Streak – TIE: Pink Pteratacos, Blitzkrieg, 6

·         Remaining Undefeated Teams: Over Compensators

·         Remaining Winless Teams: Pink Pteratacos

Neither of our “longest win streak” teams played this week, so no change there.  Blitzkrieg “caught up” to Pink Pteratacos (who were also on a bye) for a share of the League’s longest losing streak.

There’s a bit of bullshit in the table above for En Fuego seizing the “best defense in the League” title this week, as they benefited from not one but two forfeits over Cobblestone, which are recorded as 21-0 wins in the standings.  Without those forfeit wins, their PPG would rise from 15.9 to 21.2, which would make them only the 9^th best defense in the League (pAssless Chaps would take over the title of best defense at 17.9 ppg if we made that adjustment).  Still a great job by En Fuego, and certainly not their fault that Cobblestone couldn’t make the games, but take that stat with a grain of salt.

Two of our three undefeated teams lost this week, so Over Compensators is the last team standing with a shot at a perfect season.  We Back was pulled from the stats above, and Shattered Dreams finally won their first game of the season, so our last winless team this season is Pink Pteratacos. (Schilling Em Softly hasn’t won either, but they’re an 0-2 replacement team… they barely count.)

***

And now for something a little different.  Every week we analyze the best Quarterbacks in the TSL (that IS the premise of our article) but we largely neglect the rest of you who aren’t gifted enough to sling a football down the field.  For the first time ever, we’re going to try to recognize some of those people now.

The list below represents the Top 21 Impact Players of the TSL.  What does that mean?  These aren’t necessarily the 21 BEST players in the League (which might just be the rosters of Public Enemy, Marketing Mayors and Eyes Downtown) but these are players who make a huge difference to their teams when they’re present.  Think of it as “your team has a 50% greater chance of winning the game if THIS person shows up” (ie Lebron’s entire career in Cleveland).  This isn’t EXACTLY the same as an MVP debate, because we’ve specifically excluded Quarterbacks, but it’s similar in principle.  There’s certainly no offense intended if you weren’t recognized on this list, as there are a LOT of great and valuable players that we’re sure we’re neglecting, but these were the 21 names that stood out to us.

Like our Quarterback Rankings, feel free to rip us apart and tell us what a terrible job we’ve done:

Ironic that our #1 player on our Non-Quarterback List is a quarterback, right?  Dean’s contributions go way beyond QB though, as he’s the leader and best athlete/defender on Peachy Platoon in addition to being the Quarterback, so we didn’t want to slight him by leaving him off.  Similar story for Kyle Conniff, who QBs for NPI but is also just a leader on and off the field for that team. 

We’re not going to get into a full write-up for each of these players and why they’re great… we’re just going to leave this out here so you can get angry that you weren’t on the list.

***

That’s it for this week!  If you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (you hate that we didn’t use Gronk’s actual name?  there’s no way a TSL Impact Players List should exist without your buddy Steve?  your last name is Ditullio and you hate seeing Topper surge past you in the QB Rankings?), please send complaints to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. 

What’s YOUR ranking?

Final Fall 2019 Rankings

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Category: TSL QB Power Rankings

Created: Thursday, 17 October 2019 14:34

Published: Thursday, 17 October 2019 14:34

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 3803

TSL Quarterback Power Rankings – Final Fall 2019 Rankings

Ladies and gentlemen, your final Fall 2019 TSL Quarterback Power Rankings:

We won’t get into each QB’s performance this week.  We’re just going to make a few observations instead.

***

Last season it was obvious that our final #1 Ranking would belong to Chris Cole, and this season (although he didn’t go undefeated like Cole) the #1 Ranking pretty clearly belongs to Bobby McConnell.  Eyes Downtown are in 1^st place in D1, with the highest points per game.  Score the most points and win the most games in the highest division, and it’s easy to figure out where you belong in the Power Rankings.  Although he was CLEARLY the best, he wasn’t the best by a LOT, as Public Enemy, Tight Ends in Motion and Marketing Mayors all finished with winning records AND were within a few points of Eyes Downtown in PPG.  ED might be the betting favorite in the playoffs, but anyone is capable of winning this division.  No, not Gryffindor, but anyone ELSE.  (Although wouldn’t it be incredible if Gryffindor picked up their first, second and third D1 wins of the season in the playoffs to shock the world???  Can’t wait to see what kind of odds the Godfather gives them).

Congrats to Matty Ice for winning this week’s D2 showdown against Topper, stealing back his #4 Ranking in the process.  These were the two BEST teams in D2… and yet strangely Peachy Platoon passed them both to finish 8-2 and seize the first round bye for the Playoffs.  What???  A&A and Hofbrauhaus BOTH beat Peachy Platoon this season (and every other team in D2), but due to some “unique” scheduling, A&A and Hofbrauhaus had to play each other twice, AND they both had to play cross-divisional games against D1 teams (Peachy didn’t), AND Peachy was the only team in the League to get a 10^th game.  This perfect storm of, for lack of a better term, “scheduling bullshit” allowed Peachy Platoon to STEAL the #1 seed and first round bye from two DEBATABLY better teams.  Maybe this is karma for the controversial A&A/Peachy game earlier this session?  We’re not sure.  Interesting though that the two teams negatively impacted by this scheduling have Topper and Rameer on their rosters… you’d think they’d be the absolute LAST guys in this League to get fucked by a scheduling quirk, but here we are.

Is there a hotter QB in the TSL right now than Tim Zielinski going into the playoffs?  Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers started the season 0-4, but they’re 5-0 since and averaging 50 points a game during that stretch (with two wins over Cunning Stunts!).  Can Travis interview Tim next week?  The world needs to know how Uncle Rico’s turned their season around.

The final Top Ten consisted of all five D1 quarterbacks, four D2 quarterbacks and one D3 quarterback.  Feels about right.  The final Top Twenty consisted of all five D1 quarterbacks, five (out of seven) D2 quarterbacks, seven (out of ten) D3 quarterbacks, two (out of four, excluding Matty and Joey) D4 quarterbacks, and one D5 quarterback. 

It gets a little cumbersome to show all twenty of these people in a graph, so here’s your Top Ten, their average points per game, and colored by what division they play in:

We put this out there knowing FULL well that it raises questions (why isn’t Mike McKenrick higher in the Rankings?  Why isn’t Newman lower?) but that’s the fun of Power Rankings – people can look at the same standings and stats, and watch the same games, and come to very different conclusions about who’s “the best”.  Take our word for it, it’s a never a simple question. 

***

If you think the colors on THAT were annoying, get ready for our end of year Stat rankings!  Just like last season, we’ve tried to break down each division to show which teams had the best offenses (points per game), defenses (points per game allowed) and overall point differential (average +/- per game).  To make it easier to find your team in various columns, we decided to color code everyone based on their “official” team color scheme (if you share the same color as someone else, we might have picked a different color for you… we can only show so many blacks and grays).  This is a visual abomination, we know, but fuck it, we spent a lot of time on coloring this so we’re not changing it back now.  Here you go!

Division 1

The Headline: Four contenders, one Gryffindor.

Underrated:  People discuss D1 like it’s a foregone conclusion that one of the “Big Three” will win it, but let’s look at Tight Ends in Motion.  They quietly won their last two games to slip into an unexpected first round bye; they’re less than a point behind Eyes Downtown for the best offense in the division; they’re the best defense in the division by a full touchdown per game; and they have the best point differential in the division by a full touchdown per game.  All four of the “contenders” score about the same number of points per week (between 29 and 33) but apparently only TEIM knows how to play defense.  History and reputation say they can’t beat the teams above them in the standings, but the stats say they should almost be considered the favorites here.

Overrated:  It’s no surprise that Gryffindor is dead last in the standings, the offensive rankings (a full TD below the next worst team), the defensive rankings (a full TD below the next worst team) and point differential (two full TDs below the next worst team).  What is a little surprising is that our defending champions are that “next worst team” in every category.  Marketing Mayors won it ALL just a few months ago, but now they’re fourth out of five teams in every category, with a negative point differential.  Okay, they were outscored by only 2 total points this year, but that’s still surprising from the only team that can rightfully call themselves the defending LEAGUE Champs right now.

Division 2

The Headline:  Three contenders, four underdogs looking for an upset, one disqualified/replaced/playoff-ineligible team

Underrated:  If we had to pick a true underdog here, we might suggest Dilf’s; they have an average defense, average offense, almost neutral point differential, so not IMPOSSIBLE that they get hot at the right time, especially with Travis and Katie on their roster.  But realistically one of the top three teams in this division is going to win it, so we’re going to pick Peachy Platoon as our most underrated team.  Not underrated in the traditional sense of course (we all know they’re good, and they’re the freaking #1 seed) but their chances of winning the division might be underrated, because their #1 seeding means they should only need to beat ONE of the other great teams in this division, while Hofbrauhaus and A&A will have to beat two. 

Damn, we picked #1 Peachy Platoon as our D2 underrated team AND listed their QB as #1 on our Non-QB Impact Players list last week… we give these guys way too much love in this article.

Overrated:  Can we really pick a 7-2 team with the #4 Ranked QB in the League as an underdog?  Sure, why not.  A&A has beaten EVERY team in the division this session so we wouldn’t be shocked at all to see them win the D2 crown this session.  But if we look at the numbers (and frankly that’s all this article does) we’ll see they’re a step behind Hofbrauhaus and Peachy on the offensive side, middle of the pack in defensive PPG, and a full two TD’s behind their biggest rivals in average point differential per game.  That’s a pretty steep drop off that suggests we’ll be seeing Peachy vs Hofbrauhaus in the finals, not A&A.  They’re going to need a LOT of BDE from Matty to pull this one off.

Division 3

The Headline:  Most wide open division in the TSL this season

Underrated:  There are two teams that stand out in our average point differentials as being the frontrunners of this division: NPI has two losses by a combined 7 points, and AWDIQ has two losses by a combined 4 points… and then a third loss by 13 points to NPI.  So NPI is a clear favorite, and AWDIQ looks to us like the clear #2 (despite being #3 in the standings).  But neither of these teams are really “underrated” because we all know they’re the favorites.  We’ll take End Game as our most underrated team in this division on the strength of their three game winning streak to wrap up the season, including quality wins over #2 seed Frodo Swaggins and #4 seed Jabronies. 

Also, Jabronies went 5-3-1 this season but they were 5-2-0 against teams that made the playoffs.  Not sure if “we couldn’t beat teams that didn’t make the playoffs” is a good reason to call a team “underrated”, but hey maybe it gives them an edge if they match up well against the teams that are still remaining.

Overrated:  Frodo Swaggins might be the most “overrated” team, and it’s not because they’re not good enough to win it all – as the #2 seed, they’ve clearly won plenty of games this session.  But Frodo seems to lack consistency from week to week, and their +2.56 average point differential suggests that they were probably a little lucky to go 6-3 this season, as they should have finished closer to .500.

Division 4

The Headline:  It’s Matty’s Angels, and then it’s everyone else

Underrated:  Two teams stand out here.  Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers are riding a 5 game winning streak and just blasting teams with their unstoppable offense.  Yeah, their defense is garbage, but it doesn’t matter if they keep outscoring everyone.  This team looked like a joke a month into the season, but now the joke’s on everyone that has to play them.

The other “underrated” team is Matty’s Angels.  Yes, you already know they’re going to win the division, so how can they be underrated?  We STILL feel they’re not getting enough credit for what they’ve accomplished this season.  Look at the point differentials above.  Four of the six teams in this division are negative, and Cunning Stunts are winning by an average of 3.5 PPG.  Matty’s Angels are winning by 28.11 PPG, more than 24 points better than the next best team.  Their two losses are by a combined four points.  This is, in a word, insane.

Overrated:  Remember last session when D5 was essentially a two team race between the gender teams?  That’s not what’s happening this season.  Yes, Cunning Stunts are good, but they’re overrated if people believe they’re in some kind of equal rivalry with the Angels because of how last season ended.  Cunning Stunts CAN beat the Angels this season (they did, just this past week) but the numbers say we shouldn’t bet on it in the playoffs.

Division 5

The Headline:  Over Compensators and En Fuego seem destined for the finals; everyone else, thanks for coming

Underrated:  Over Compensators is the #1 offense, #1 point differential, AND the #1 defense if you don’t count the pair of 21-0 forfeit wins En Fuego got from Cobblestone this session… but they’re not underrated.  We’ll pick Hope N Ruin here.  Like Uncle Rico’s, they started the season 0-4, but they’ve gone 4-1 since then, with their four wins each coming by an average of about 14 points.  If anyone has the momentum to pull off an upset, it’s HNR.

Overrated:  No one’s REALLY underrated or overrated here, as this is the ONLY division in TSL this session where the point differentials rankings EXACTLY match the standings (look at the chart above) which suggests that teams finished exactly where they should have in the standings.  But if we were forced to choose one “overrated” team we’d say maybe Hung Buffalo.  Their #3 seed implies they have a chance to win this division, and we don’t see it happening.  They’re 5-4 but they lost to Over Compensators by 17 points and En Fuego by 20.  These are the teams you have to beat if you want a shot at the D5 title this season, and Hung Buffalo hasn’t shown that they can hang with either of these teams despite their winning record.

Division 6

The Headline: We have no idea who’s going to win this division

Underrated:  TMA finished as the #2 seed, but they’re the best defense in the League (not the division, but the whole damn League) and the best point differential in D6.  Sure, there was a forfeit win over Wild Oak Beard Co at the end of the season, but they held Shattered Dreams, Tater Tots and BiPolar Express to single digit points in those games, so they seem to know what they’re doing defensively.  On the offensive side they WOULD have finished #1 in their division too, but that forfeit win ironically hurt them here, as it “held” them to only a 21-0 win (they’d be 33.5 ppg if we threw out the forfeit entirely). 

Overrated:  If we look at defensive points per game, D6 really breaks into three categories, and we think it’ll be easier to spot in the form of a graph:

The good, the bad, and the Blitzkrieg.  There’s not a WHOLE lot of differentiation on the offensive side, as each team is basically a point ahead or behind someone else.  But defense breaks the division very clearly into “contenders” and “everyone else”.  BiPolar express was third in the division in offensive PPG, but they’re the first of the “bad” defenses, which is going to make it real tough to win three games in a row in the playoffs.  BiPolar Express is our pick for “most overrated D6 team” going into the playoffs.

***

These are your FINAL League Leaders for the 2019 Fall Season (excluding We Back, who were truly a special category of awfulness):

·         Best Offensive Team – Matty’s Angels, 48.4 PPG

·         Best Offensive Team Non-Gender – Hofbrauhaus Buffalo, 42.6 PPG

·         Worst Offensive Team – Pink Pteratacos, 11.1 PPG

·         Best Defensive Team – TMA, 16.2 PPG

·         Worst Defensive Team – Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers, 45.6 PPG

·         Best Point Differential – Matty’s Angels, +28.1 PPG

·         Best Points Differential Non-Gender – Over Compensators, +21.4 PPG

·         Worst Point Differential – Pink Pteratacos, -17.2 PPG

·         Longest Current Win Streak – Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers, 5

·         Longest Current Losing Streak – Blitzkrieg, 7

·         Remaining Undefeated Teams: None

·         Remaining Winless Teams: None

Both of our previous “longest winning streak” teams LOST to heated rivals this week, with Eyes Downtown falling to Public Enemy and Over Compensators (the last remaining undefeated team!) falling to En Fuego.  Pink Pteratacos (the last remaining winless team!) broke their share of the longest losing streak in the League with a one point win over Cobblestone, ensuring that every single team in the TSL this season has at least one win and one loss (even Schilling Em Softly picked up a win this week).  The only unfortunate streak from last week to continue on into the playoffs is Blitzkrieg… who have now lost 7 in a row.

***

That’s it for this season!  If you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (“less is more” when it comes to coloring charts?  you demand updated Rankings throughout the playoffs?  you still wish we ranked each division separately?), please send complaints to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. 

What’s YOUR ranking?

TSL Quarterback Power Rankings – Week 6

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Category: TSL QB Power Rankings

Created: Wednesday, 02 October 2019 13:01

Published: Wednesday, 02 October 2019 13:01

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 9214

"Power Rankings man/bear/pig guy provides us with the controversial hot takes that makes each season so special.  Does everyone agree? No.  Should he care? No.  Calls a spade a spade.  You either put up or shut up cause the numbers don't lie. Big facts" – Anonymous testimonial

Welcome back for Week Six of the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings (Fall 2019 Edition).  If you’re pressed for time this week and just looking for a quick summary, here is our entire article condensed into the form of a Haiku:

Top Ten mostly same,

Topper leap frogs Dean and Vince,

Next ten are madness

Bobby McConnell #1 and Eyes Downtown win their most important game of the season (so far) beating Marketing Mayors 37-29.  Sorry to BORE you, but that’s going to make the #1 ranking very predictable this week, and probably the rest of the season too.  Let’s recap (as we plagiarize ourselves from last week’s article):

·         Best record in the highest division, now 7-1

·         Highest points per game in the highest division (34.1 ppg)

·         Longest active winning streak in the League (tied with Over Compensators, sure)

·         Has now beaten every team in D1 at least once this season (though not every QB, as Mark Dalfonso #2 was not present for the game)

Good luck topping that.

We expected Matty Ice #4 to take care of business with A&A, who beat Dilfs 45-15 this week.  We expected him to take care of business with Matty’s Angels, who absolutely crushed Full Throttle 66-22.  We did NOT expect Matty to literally join a third team mid-season and nearly beat Slytherin That End Zone in their first game.  More on the We Back/Schilling Em Softly saga later in this article, but Matty’s apparently back on three teams (though will not be quarterbacking for S.E.S. going forward) and continuing to put up laughable numbers: he’s now 11-1 this season with 549 points scored for his two primary teams (plus various other points scored while subbing for others).  Amazing.  Despite what Matty thinks though, his 111 points this week for A&A and Matty’s Angels are NOT a League record for two games in a single week, as that “record” is at least 115 points, shared by… Matty Ice, from Week Three of Spring 2019 when he put up 115 against Hope N Ruin and Pink Pteratacos, and… Matty Ice, from Week Two of Spring 2019 when he put up 115 against Home Tech and EmC HammerTime.  At least, that’s the record as far as we can tell (our records only go back to last session, so take all our nonsense with a grain of salt).  If you’re wondering what the “record” is for three games in a day, Matty ALSO put up 54 points against Five Star Generals in Week Two of last season, so that would be 169 points across three games.  115 is a record that might someday fall (Larry Chruscial had 108 just two weeks ago, and Matty might have beaten it himself had the Angels game not been called early) but 169 should be safe for a long long time.

The only story more incredible than Matty’s triple dominance might be the unexpected rise of Uncle Topper.  We dismissed it as a fluke when Hofbrauhaus Buffalo started the season with a few dominant wins.  We said just about anyone could win behind that defense.  We said they hadn’t played anyone good yet, or that the teams they’d played were missing key athletes.  We said once they had to face the real superpowers of D2 (A&A and Peachy Platoon… you knew who we were talking about), they’d come crashing down to Earth.  And yet here we are in the early days of October, and Patrick McGovern #5 is still undefeated after his first signature win of the season, handing Dean Thompson #6 his first “real” loss in D2 while locking up his highest ranking in the history of the this article.  Hofbrauhaus Buffalo dominated their much younger opponents, with Topper scoring the first 38ish points of the game.  The first 7 were a pick six (plus extra point) he threw to Peachy Platoon, but the next 31 were all for Hofbrauhaus, and the League icon somehow remains undefeated.  Is Topper going to pull a Peyton Manning and somehow drag his elderly, broken body to a Championship and then retire on top?  Time will tell, and next week’s game against A&A will allegedly be without Matty Ice… if Hofbrauhaus wins, does Topper have a legitimate claim to pass an absentee Matty in the Rankings?

Speaking of upsets (that even our Godfather didn’t see coming!) how about No Punt Intended beating All We Do Is Quinn 39-26?  Vince Taverna #7 has been so dominant this season that we almost forgot he was capable of losing games, but Kyle Conniff #11 and NPI put the pressure on early, jumping to a big lead and never letting up.  NPI and AWDIQ are the only two teams with strong point differentials in D3 (there’s a graph of this below of course), so if this was a preview of the D3 championship game, it’s not a very encouraging outcome for the Quinners.  No Punt Intended then finished their day with a 43-13 massacre of the Sticky Bandits, which puts the team in first place in D3, and Kyle on the verge of his first Top Ten appearance in the Power Rankings. 

Matt Newman #8 had another strong day at the office, scoring 77 points between a 36-31 win over Schilling Em Softly and a 45-41 loss to Energy Buff.  Slytherin and Dilfs are stuck in that second tier of D2 – unable to beat the Power Three in the division, but a step above their struggling division rivals at the bottom of the standings.  Newman is good, but is he good enough to be taken seriously as a contender in the playoffs?  We’re not sure yet.

Three athletes in our Top Ten (Chris Cole #3, Joey Batts #9 and Mike McKenrick #10) had byes and maintain their spots in the Power Rankings this week.  Other than Topper jumping past Dean and Vince, there isn’t any other movement in the Top Ten this week.  The madness begins in the #11-#20 spots, where every single Quarterback either went up or down in the Rankings this week.

Joe Miano #12 falls one spot this week and Scott Keller #13 rises two, as a result of 3^rd & Schlong’s surprising 41-8 destruction of Jabronies this week.  We knew this had potential to be an upset, but no one on the Power Rankings Committee predicted that Schlong would run away with this game.  Schlong continues to rise and gets harder and harder to beat (“schlong” jokes are easy); after setting the League’s longest losing streak, they’re now on a three game tear (two of which are against teams with winning records) and Katie Keller’s not the ONLY reason why this team has the second highest points per game in D3.

Frodo Swaggins continues to flash their incredible potential and then fall just short of realizing it, with a 43-26 win over Ultimate Warriors (who had also lost 41-28 earlier in the day to Puckett All-Stars) and a 38-36 loss to End Game.  Lots to unpack there, as four of our Top Twenty quarterbacks were covered in that sentence.  Scotty “The Moose” Dro #14 drops in our Power Rankings, not JUST because of his failed called shot on this week’s double header, and not JUST because of Frodo’s recent mediocrity on the field (both of which have gotten him some scathing reviews from the League website articles these past couple weeks), but also because old man Keller is flat out killing it and deserves to move up.  Scott Pinto #17 of UW drops one spot and his teammate Sam Lattuca #22 drops out of the Top Twenty altogether.  Ultimate Warriors play competitive games and they can never be considered an easy win, but at some point they have to get some W’s to earn respect in D3.  David Eickhoff #18 and End Game bust out of their recent slump with a quality win over Frodo, moving Dave up a spot. 

Larry Chruscial #15 falls three rankings, and all he did was beat Practice Squad 28-14.  There’s no Power Rankings justice in this world, we agree.  You could argue he should be higher for being one of two undefeated teams AND leading the League in points per game (Matty’s Angels excluded).  Or you could argue he should be lower in the Rankings because he’s the only D5 quarterback in the Top Twenty, and one of only two that plays exclusively below D3.  You’re free to disagree with us, but we think we have him ranked just right.  Larry’s only path back to the Top Ten is dominant, borderline unsportsmanlike wins.  Good luck!

Andy Clark #16 is our only other Top Twenty quarterback playing exclusively below D3, and he has Buffalo Solar Solutions heating up in D4.  This week Andy beat Mountain Dew Me 45-20, which is good enough to rise one spot in our Power Rankings.  D4 remains a three team division, and it’s difficult for us to imagine Full Throttle, Mountain Dew Me or Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers playing in the finals later this month.

Ricky Austin #19 makes his return to the Power Rankings this week, with wins for AND against Energy Buff – it’s not often a player gets to pull that off in a single week.  “Good Ricky” first led Bullet Club to a 25-22 win over Energy Buff, and then an hour later (perhaps feeling guilty for the sadness he inflicted on them) subbed for Energy Buff to lead them to a thrilling 45-41 comeback against Slytherin That End Zone.  Ricky’s almost certainly underrated at the #19 spot based on talent alone, but Bullet Club has had enough QB inconsistency this session that we haven’t been able to rank him at all until now.

Vaspian’s inaugural season hit a setback this week as they got crushed 44-18 by the Sticky Bandits.  Lucas Kramer #20 drops two ranks but hangs on to our final spot in the Top Twenty.  Seven of the quarterbacks knotted up in the #11-#20 spots of our Power Rankings play in D3, which may be the most competitive from division top to bottom.  The first place team in the D3 standings right now is No Punt Intended, who have lost to Jabronies, who have lost to 3^rd & Schlong, who have lost to Sticky Bandits, who have lost to Ultimate Warriors, who have lost to Puckett All-Stars, who have lost to Frodo Swaggins, who have lost to End Game, who have to lost to Vaspian, who have lost to All We Do Is Quinn, who have lost to… No Punt Intended.  Any team can beat any other team in this division, so these Power Rankings are splitting hairs here. 

We have been asked SO many times over the last few months why we can’t just rank two players as tied when they’re THAT close in performance (ie Cole and Dalfonso early in the season, and much of D3 today).  Our answer: ties are weak, and they are a cop-out.  Power Rankings are supposed to establish who is better than whom, and even though this can be REALLY hard sometimes, we vow that we will never cheat you by calling a tie between two or more players in our Rankings.

***

Here are a few quick hits on your TSL team leaders after six weeks:

·         Best Offensive Team (total points) – All We Do Is Quinn, 334

·         Best Offensive Team (points per game) – Matty’s Angels, 52

·         Best Offensive Team Non-Gender (points per game) – Over Compensators, 46.4

·         Worst Offensive Team (total points) – Shattered Dreams, 76

·         Worst Offensive Team (points per game) – Pink Pteratacos, 14.2*

·         Best Defensive Team (total points against) – Hofbrauhaus Buffalo, 61

·         Best Defensive Team (points against per game) – Hofbrauhaus Buffalo, 12.2

·         Worst Defensive Team (total points against) – Gryffindor, 304

·         Worst Defensive Team (points against per game) – Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers, 47.8

·         Best Point Differential (total points) – Over Compensators, +180

·         Best Point Differential (points per game) – Hofbrauhaus Buffalo, +30.8

·         Worst Point Differential (total points) – Shattered Dreams, -126*

·         Worst Point Differential (points per game) – Shattered Dreams, -25.2*

·         Longest Current Win Streak – TIE: Eyes Downtown, Over Compensators, 7

·         Longest Current Losing Streak – Pink Pteratacos, 6*

·         Remaining Undefeated Teams: A&A, Hofbrauhaus Buffalo, Over Compensators

·         Remaining Winless Teams: We Back, Pink Pteratacos, Shattered Dreams

You see all those asterisks above?  Yeah, we need to talk about We Back.  Apparently their team has entirely dissolved mid-season and been replaced by Schilling Em Softly, the reigning Breakfast Club Champions.  This is crazy/awesome on many levels, and it wreaks havoc on our stat keeping.  We Back was leading MANY of those categories above (none that they’d want to, of course) but it doesn’t make much sense to continue to list them among League leaders.  Instead, we’re retiring them from the stats view above, and for the sake of stat tracking, straight up replacing them with Schilling Em Softly, an 0-1 team with 31 points for and 36 points against.  Their records will be kept separate as much as possible when we should charts and stats.  How does this work if Schilling Em Softly and A&A end up playing each other in the playoffs, since Matty plays on (but apparently won’t be quarterbacking) both teams?  We have no idea, but the QB Power Rankings aren’t the place to debate that – we’ll stick with what we’re “good” at and leave those decisions to League management.

Eyes Downtown and Over Compensators both won this week, keeping our League’s longest win streaks intact.  Pink Pteratacos is now recognized as the longest losing streak in the League, which they might argue is unfair since We Back/Schilling Em Softly are a combined 0-7 this season, but life’s not fair and neither are we in the Power Rankings Committee.

All three undefeated teams won this week.  All three winless teams lost this week.  Barring a tie, we’re guaranteed to have at least ONE change next week, as A&A and Hofbrauhaus Buffalo can’t both stay undefeated playing against each other.

***

No charts for you this week.  What?  We’re not contractually obligated to make charts.

Here’s a graph of each team’s point differentials per game instead.  Yes, it’s the same concept as last week, but now it’s in graph form (so you can see visually how terrible your team really is) and updated with one more week’s data.  Look, it’s tough to come up with different charts every week, this is the best we’ve got:

If you’re reading this on your phone and the font is too tiny to make out your team’s name, just assume you’re the worst one in your division.

***

That’s it for this week!  If you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (“records” that go back only a season and a half are pointless?  you miss the line graph from last week?  you play on Pink Pteratacos and you demand the We Back/Schilling Em Softly losing streak be officially recognized?), please send complaints to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. 

What’s YOUR ranking?