Week 5 Thoughts, Picks & Stuff

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Category: The Godfather's Picks

Created: Friday, 13 May 2022 11:46

Published: Friday, 13 May 2022 11:46

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 1568

Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe: Welcome to Week 5! 

We’ve had 4 weeks of TSL football before this week, and we’ll have 4 weeks of TSL football after it. We’re at the top of the hill, and we’re about to come flying down the other side as the Race for Social Co-Ed Football Immortality really starts to take shape. 

At this point, you are who you are. No amount of “bad luck”, “getting Billy’d”, or “missing people” excuses can really help the “have nots” of the league this year. And let’s not forget last week’s excuse: “There was wind!”. Everyone starts the league with championship aspirations (except for Not So Sticky, who are really just there to drink and litter apparently, and the Freeballers, who know that lightning doesn’t strike twice) but at this point you’re coming to the realization that maybe, this just isn’t your season. Again. 

I was delighted to see the TSLQBPRC rank the best teams of all time, and it got me thinking that I want to rank something too. At this point, there was only one clear choice. I’m going to give you my “Disappointment Rankings”. Basically, who is falling short of my preseason expectations? Record will play into it, obviously, but it won’t be the end all be all. If you’re on this list, chances are your team group chat is slightly bitter, with one or two people that are being incredibly positive and trying to bring the team up. Or you’re EXTREMELY FOCUSED on getting your next game in the win column as you’re feeling the pressure. 

Whatever the case may be, I’m disappointed in you. 

First up in the rankings, the dishonorable mentions: TOX, Bullet Club, People Who Don’t Help Reffing, The Rose Garden Bar Prices, Lesser Leagues That Rip Off The TSL, Sleezin Szn, Litterbugs, and When Dove Cries. 

All of you are doing terrible, but you don’t make the Disappointment Rankings Top 10 because you’re just doing exactly what we all expected of you. 

Now for the list: 

10. Cobblestone (Not Including Darryl, Obviously) - You had one job last week. Darryl spent multiple weeks putting his body (and Hair) on the line, and gifting you clowns a 4-0 record. And the one time he doesn’t show up, and trusts you to win the game without him, you lose 28-12 to a PWI team who’s better known for having Hero females than completing passes. If Darryl is there you win this game by 30. You let him down, which is of course, a big disappointment. 

9. Can’t Touch This - Okay, I’ll admit, not a single person in the league had any expectations for you. You would just show up, lose by a bunch, and roll back home to apparently nurse the hangovers from the night before. And then, you won a game! That’s awesome, and it’s akin to watching a toddler take its first wobbly steps. On top of it, you beat a really good Pretender (that’s foreshadowing everyone) in your division! So, you took to the airwaves to get your message to the podcast this week. It was good to see some life out of you guys. And you know what? You did the right thing, you blamed Topper. So, you’re a team that has fun, drinks the night before football, and you DON’T hang out at the bar after your games? It sounds a little suspect, honestly. And to top it all off, you use the podcast as your way to get your message across, yet you completely ignore me asking teams to message me EXACTLY THAT TYPE OF STUFF? This article would’ve painted you all in a different light this week had that happened. You’re so close to being perfect Tellers. You almost are competitive, you almost drink at the bar with the best collection of people to do exactly that in perhaps the world, and you almost had me on your side. But instead? You’re just disappointments. 

8. Come From Behind - It hasn’t exactly been a dream season for the 1-4 squad that I thought would be doing much, much better in D5. Instead, they’ve allowed 186 points in 5 games, and they’re losing to the likes of 716. I’m not going to trash a team with an average player age of 58.34 though. Has Father Time finally won this battle? I want to say no, but time always wins, and that of course, is a disappointment. 

7. Passed Our Prime - So let me get this straight. Hogan and Company do the “Game On!” thing to do and stack their roster in a lower division with D1 stars like Sean Weisensal and Kyle Coniff, and yet they’re only 3-2? This team has allowed 173 points and look every bit the “awful defense” they always are. They had a chance to show the world they were the top dogs last week and fell right on their faces. This is why nobody knows most of your names. How disappointing. 

6. Puckett All-Stars - Puckett, you’re 1-3 and yet you still have more Points For than Against. You’re slumming it in D4, playing in the “missing the playoffs” range with the Today’s Feasts, Can’t Touch Thises, and TOXes of the world. You’re better than this, and I expect more out of you. I get it, the weather is changing, and those mostly old joints are creaking. You can smell the Bio-Freeze all the way in Iowa when you guys play, but that isn’t an excuse. Get back on the winning path, please. You missing the playoffs would be, well, a disappointment. 

5. Topper - You’re the logo of the league. The face that runs the place. And you haven’t played a single down of football yet. B’s Brother has shown up EVERY WEEK to watch you play, and you’ve done nothing but let him down. While I’m sure you’re training very, very hard every day to make your comeback, it’s beginning to get a little questionable if you’re going to play at all this year. As always, you’re a disappointment. 

4. Legends - You know, I spent weeks hyping up how dominant this team was going to be. That you were the perfect example of what a Social Co-Ed Football Team should be. And all you’ve continued to do is disappoint those expectations. You’re 3-1. Joey’s Noodle Arm has your offense teetering on being worst in the league. You’re only a play or two away from being 1-3. THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF? This is what I get for believing in you. 

3. Zack Attack - You just put up 8 points against a winless team. You lost to ILF the week before and only put up 14 points. Your two wins were against TOX, who allegedly lost an exhibition game against a team from the afternoon Doodle Bugs session this week, and the Varsity Has Beens who were playing their first game ever as a team. You’re one of the biggest phonies in the league right now. Sure, your defense is legit, but your offense is shit. I assume that’s your team slogan. And I’ve heard you don’t even hang at the bar long enough anymore playing darts? This disappointment is apparently too much Zack and not enough Attack. 

2. Itches And Ohs - I had the highest hopes for this team. They don’t get enough credit for how good they’ve been in recent seasons, but right now? Awful. Yeah, you’ve scored 160 points, but you still can’t stop anyone. What’s more, you got SMOKED by your biggest competition in The Untouchaballs and 4th And Something. And don’t even get me started on how you lost to the Freeballers. You need to up your game a level, and fast. It’s incredibly disappointing to see that you can’t compete for the D3 title. 

1. Blitzkrieg - Disappointment, to me, is spelled B-L-I-T-Z-K-R-I-E-G. I’ve done nothing but support you guys’ time and time again. I’ve personally apologized and made things right when I’ve gotten things wrong about you. Nobody is a bigger fan than I am. But you’re getting beaten up left and right. You’re a 2-point conversion attempt away from being 0-5. I’m aware you have 2 wins, but you can’t be proud of that “freebie” forfeit win that you were getting killed in anyway. I heard the league was having internal discussions about starting a D7 for you at this rate. I know Light Red Hoodie Guy and Allie were super important to the team, but I didn’t realize they were the whole show. Maybe I’m just hurt for always supporting you, but you’re really starting to make me look bad in this league. I need you guys and girls to remember who you are and get your shit together. But for what it’s worth, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. 

And there you have it folks, the biggest disappointments of the #TSLSpring2022 Season so far. Now let’s get to the good part.

D1:

Last Week’s Games:

Sticky Bandits 20, Tight Ends In Motion 19

Eyes Downtown 38, Legends 24

Sticky Bandits take out their longtime rival in the most recent edition of the “Baker Bowl”, cementing that D1 is an attainable goal for them. Meanwhile, Eyes Downtown finally arrived this season, taking the overrated Legends behind the woodshed for a big win. D1 just got interesting again, as we start up the D1/D2 Crossovers this week. 

This Week’s Games:

Legends vs Tight Ends In Motion (+6) - In a perfect world, TEIM throws a haymaker or two at the Legends, beats them, and REALLY has us question who’s going to win D1 all year. Unfortunately for them, it really feels like the Legends got a wakeup call last week that this isn’t going to be easy. LEGENDS BY 12

Eyes Downtown vs Sticky Bandits (+3) - I’m aware the Bandits won the last matchup from earlier this season, but Eyes Downtown feels a little more “on fire” right now. Old friend Chris Franjoine dusted off his typewriter to send me a message this week, and he basically had this to say: Eyes Downtown is dangerous, and we shouldn’t be sleeping on them. He proceeded to speak so highly of the usual suspects: Cody, Delecki, Bobby, and Rachel, but he also let me in on a couple of well-kept secrets that are just about to be talked about more and more: Josh and Kenzie. It seems everything is coming together for ED, and you just KNEW Bobby had a plan. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 8

D1/D2 Crossover Game: 

Sticky Bandits vs Scared Hitless (+10) - Our first Crossover of the season is this week, as Scared Hitless gets to put its undefeated season on the line against a Sticky Bandits team that hasn’t played as well in D1 as they’re playing now. Two teams on top of their games in their respective divisions is a heck of a start for Crossovers. So, we may as well go big from the get-go: SCARED HITLESS BY 7. 

D2:

Last Week’s Games:

Passed Our Prime 30, Grey Hair Don’t Care 29

Grey Hair Don’t Care 36, When Dove Cries 25

DILFs 36, Bullet Club 18

Scared Hitless 38, Passed Our Prime 32

Passed Our Prime squeaks by Grey Hair in the first game of their doubleheader before dropping a huge game against Scared Hitless in a battle for 1st overall. Grey Hair rebounded from the POP loss into getting their first win in D2 against WDC. The Dilfs proceeded to double up on Bullet Club. 

This Week’s Games:

DILFs Vs When Dove Cries (+6) - WDC feels like they’re in trouble. That was a bad loss to Grey Hair, and now they’re going against a DILFs team that is on a decent roll. I know they’re waiting for Topper’s return, but how much better will they be when that happens? DILFS BY 8

Passed Our Prime vs Bullet Club (+10) - These two met earlier in the season, where POP took a 49-36 victory over BC. If you’re going to bet on anything in the TSL this week, the over/under for this game sits at 75 ½. Bet the over. Neither of these teams can stop anyone. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 7

Scared Hitless vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+9) - Scared Hitless gets a doubleheader this week, and they get a spry GHDC for the second game. Grey Hair is growing a little bit every week, which I believe is the plan. Improve little by little and surprise people in the playoffs. With how Scared Hitless is playing right now, they might not have improved enough just yet. SCARED HITLESS BY 10

The Notorious BNB vs Bullet Club (+3) - One thing is for certain: This game is going to go down to the last play. The question will be who has the ball going for the win or not. These games are usually close ones, and I don’t expect this one to be any different. Bullet Club always pulls out a win or two during the regular season, and I can’t envision them going 0-9. BULLET CLUB BY 2

DILFs vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+7) - Same as the Scared Hitless game for GHDC, the Dilfs might be a little too advanced for them here. DILFS BY 8

D3: 

Last Week’s Games:

Frodo Swaggins 31, Show Me Dem TDs 27

The Untouchaballs 37, 4th And Something 12

Freeballers 27, Itches and Ohs 15

Buffalo Vice 31, Sleezin Szn 14

Frodo Swaggins has begun their usual midseason lull where it feels like they get bored after a hot start thing, and they escape a very game Show Me Dem TDs. The Untouchaballs proceeded to kick the stuffing out of 4th and Something in what was a lackluster “Game Of The Day” pick by me. The Freeballers stifled the Itches and Ohs defense which now has everyone wondering what’s wrong with Itches. And finally, FINALLY, Buffalo Vice wakes up and remembered who they are, taking a big win from Sleezin Szn without any real issue. 

This Week’s Games:

Frodo Swaggins vs Buffalo Vice (+9) - Is this the time to ride the hot hand? Buffalo Vice picked up their first D3 win, as they started to look like the team, we all know they are. And as I just said, Frodo is starting to do that thing where they kind of stink midseason. I don’t know if Garrett gets bored and tries more trick plays or something, but if they don’t reign it in, they’ll be upset. But they’re in trouble anyway since Dan finally emailed me. The good vibes are sent his way. BUFFALO VICE BY 4

The Untouchaballs vs Show Me Dem TDs (+13) - Show Me Dem TDs gets the misfortune of running into the TSL’s hottest team at the wrong time. It’ll be hard to gel as a team, as SMDTDs is trying to do, when you get the team that trots out potential QB of the Year Jeremy Burr, the best guy nobody knows Matt Helm, and of course future “best female in the league” Melanie Linamar. This is very, very bad timing for Show Me. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 17

Itches and Ohs vs Sleezin Szn (+5) - Sleezin really needs to get a win, just for their own confidence. It’s not as though they don’t have the players to do it. Matt Newman is somehow underrated as a QB nowadays, and any team that can trot out Parker, Dorene, and Nicole will have an advantage and are going to put up points. They just need to put it together. Itches and Ohs, meanwhile, need to figure out what defense is. After sliding by on suspect D to win D4 last year, they kind of forgot to work on that in the offseason. Both teams have known QBs and known females. So, which random, unknown, non-descript guy is going to step up and make the plays needed here? It doesn’t matter. Steve Moser is at his best when the entire world is doubting him.  ITCHES AND OHS BY 15

D4:

Last Week’s Games:

Can’t Touch This 21, Zack Attack 8

Practice Squad 35, Puckett All-Stars 31

Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 34, Spinelli’s Plumbing 32

Spinelli’s Plumbing 44, TOX 16

XMD 56, Varsity Has Beens 32

Today’s Feast 56, TOX 14

Vaspian 20, Cunning Stunts 17

Zack Attack is playing checkers when everyone else is playing football. As a result, Can’t Touch This, gets their first victory before declaring more will be on the way. Practice Squad and Puckett slug one out, with the Squad taking the narrow win. ILF has the most incredible and unexplainable victory in the TSL this season, defeating Spinelli’s Plumbing who must’ve all been on Quaaludes for this game. Spinelli’s would rebound and take the victory over TOX after though. XMD is putting up some points now, as they’re the second highest scoring team in the division after Spinelli’s through 4 games. VHB’s efforts shouldn’t be discount either, even in the loss. Today’s Feast has the best game in their existence, getting a big win. And last but certainly not least, Vaspian takes perhaps the biggest win they’ve had ever, beating the Stunts and announcing to the world that they’re for real. 

This Week’s Games: 

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs Can’t Touch This (+14) – If Can’t Touch This did have one good point in their verbal assault against Topper, it’s this: Vaspian (4-0), Cunning Stunts (3-1, lost to Vaspian), and Practice Squad (4-0) is a brutal slate to start the season. Then they played Zack Attack, who normally aren’t slouches either. So, what do they get next? The highest scoring team in the division, Spinelli’s Plumbing, also 3-1. Apparently, Topper didn’t like being told he couldn’t touch them, so he gave them the hardest schedule possible to show that he could. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 18

Interdimensional Lightning Falcons vs Today’s Feast (+16) - The only reason I’ve typed out ILF’s full name is because they’ve got my attention. Andrew Kicak has a roster that has the right pieces: QB Joe Miano is a winner, Alex Baker has his Dad’s DNA, they have Breakfast Captains Becca and Courtney to go with Christina Nelson and Lauren O’ Brien to form a better than you think roster of girls, and while I don’t know much about the other guys, all reports back to me are that they’re all solid or better. Last week, they finally put it all together. Today’s Feast has had a hell of a road to this point. It’s not the easiest of starts (this includes last year) and I still think D5 is in their future (again, not a demotion as it’s a smart move that’s worked for others in the past), but it had to feel great to get that win for them. They shouldn’t get used to it, at least not this week. ILF BY 13

Practice Squad vs Vaspian (+3) - The D4 heavyweights duke it out as our 4-0 teams battle to see who will be on the top of the mountain when the day ends. The schedules were similar too, they both beat CTT and Puckett. Here’s the difference though: PS inflated some numbers in a 42-14 win over TOX, and they barely squeaked by ILF. Vaspian had a harder road. They beat the Has Beens and then they just beat the Stunts. Vaspian is playing how I’ve thought they should’ve played since they got into the league. Last week they staked their claim to the mountain top, this week they make sure they’re the only ones on it. VASPIAN BY 6

Zack Attack vs Puckett All-Stars (+1) - This is going to be a game right here. Puckett needs a win over a team above them in the standings. Right now, Zack Attack has the 64th best offense in a 52-team league. Puckett’s offense can, and will, be slowed but as long as they play slightly better defense than they’re used to, they’ll finally get that signature win on this season. PUCKETT ALL-STARS BY 4

Varsity Has Beens vs TOX (+10) - Varsity has been solid in every game they’ve played so far, and perhaps they’re feeling a little like they “should’ve had” another game or two this season already. TOX has been the cure for what ails ya this season, but if what the podcast said was true, they’ll be able to get a bit better on defense with Adrian playing now. That’s a win for everyone. Except for TOX this game. VARSITY HAS BEENS BY 2

D5: 

Last Week’s Games:

Passing While Intoxicated 28, Cobblestone Without Darryl 12

716 37, Come From Behind 31

Tater Tots 22, Not So Sticky 15

Red Zone Mafia 22, TMA 16

Not So Sticky 18, Two Tuddies 18

PWI gets a win against a bunch of people who lost their leader and it showed last week. Hopefully Darryl Carr QB Superstar returns this week. 716 gets a nice win over Come From Behind in a bit of a shootout. The Tots stay hot, dispatching Not So Sticky, who would then go and rip victory from the hands of the Tud Buds in the form of a late game tie. And in a moderately stunning upset, the Red Zone Mafia gets by TMA, giving them another loss after a hot start. 

This Week’s Games:

Red Zone Mafia vs Passing While Intoxicated (+8) - RZM shocked the world a bit against TMA last week, but it means nothing if they come in and lay an egg against PWI. PWI is coming off a feel good win last week themselves, so we have two teams on the rise here, hoping to continue the success. I think RZM is a bit more seasoned this time around, and Blake looks to be developing nicely at QB. They’re going to be there when the smoke clears. RED ZONE MAFIA BY 7

TMA vs Passing While Intoxicated (+10) - As if things couldn’t get more fun for PWI, they’re getting a TMA team that’s been given a wakeup call in recent weeks that said “Hey, this won’t be as easy as it seems”. The problem for PWI is that a healthy, full roster for TMA that’s also focused is a scary thing for D5 still. Don’t let the losses fool you, they’re still top contenders for this title. TMA BY 14

716 vs Two Tuddies (+6) - The Tuddies were close to their first victory last week before blowing it at the end. But it signifies one thing: Progress. A win is in their future. This team seems to really get the TSL experience. They show up, have fun, play good football (or try to, anyway), and they usually have a few people at the bar afterwards, chatting with everyone and not just sticking to their own. They even take some photos for social media! With that said, 716 is growing as a team too. They’re 2-1 and playing better each week. They might even be a bit overlooked by the division and maybe certain people who write articles from Iowa each week. The Tuddies don’t feel ready here. 716 BY 14

Cobblestone vs Tater Tots (+7) - If Darryl is back in the fold this week (Editor’s Note: If that information about Darryl not being there is wrong, this article is doomed) then it’s good news for the TSL. Its bad news, however, for the Tater Tots. It’s not to say the Tots are bad or anything, they aren’t, but after the Power Rankings pointed out that even though Cobblestone has been in the league for 40 years and never won a championship, well, that just feels like fate to me. COBBLESTONE BY 3

Come From Behind vs Not So Sticky (+6) - A season ago, these two combined for a very exciting playoff game. Now, they’re a combined 1-8-1. I never know what NSS’s deal is, but when your life is shot gunning beers and doing Huggie Bombs, it’s not winning games until they “matter”. CFB hasn’t had what we’d call an ideal season so far, but despite everything I said about “you are who you are at this point in the season” I don’t believe that here. I think having more consistent attendance will get more consistent play. Look for CFB to come from behind in the standings the rest of the way. COME FROM BEHIND BY 12

D6:

Last Week’s Scores:

Lettuce Win 40, Blitzkrieg 6

Travis Henry’s Kids 20, Woodpeckers 12

Travis Henry’s Kids 34, Blitzkrieg 6

Southside 35, Lenny’s Ladies 16

Lettuce Win took advantage of whatever is wrong with Blitzkrieg to pull out a very nice win. Travis Henry’s Kids avoided a scare against the Woodpeckers before beating BK themselves to go 2-0 on the day. And finally, Southside avoided some early trouble against Lenny’s Ladies before pulling away in the second half.

This Week’s Games:

Lettuce Win vs Woodpeckers (+5) - Lettuce Win has been very up and down this season, and they’ll be taking on a Woodpeckers squad that is 0-2 but could very easily be 2-0. This is a case where I don’t think the last week is representative on how well they’re both playing. WOODPECKERS BY 2

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Lenny’s Ladies (+16) - THK is just on fire. Despite a season opening loss, they’re regained their hold on the division, and should win it all unless the voices in John’s head derail him yet again. Meanwhile, the Ladies have been playing well this season, but reports are that while they’ll get deep into enemy territory, they struggle to get in the end zone. That is not a character trait you want going up against THK. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 17

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY: 

1.      Okay, but what about the teams EXCEEDING your expectations? Who are they? My Disappointment Rankings were based on who isn’t hitting my preseason expectations, so logically this should give a shout out to those going way above and beyond what I thought would be happening: Sticky Bandits, Scared Hitless, 4th And Something, The Breakfast Club Captain’s Bets, Pun kin The Clown, Freeballers, Lenny and Rameer Day (future bet), Cobblestone With Darryl, People Who Used Sunscreen, and Vaspian for sure qualify here. 

2.      What is the “Game Of The Day” this week? It’s going to be must see viewing to watch Practice Squad vs Vaspian this week, but I also would want to watch the D1/D2 Crossover game between Sticky Bandits and Scared Hitless as well. Could be interesting. 

3.      Since it sounds like you and Blitzkrieg are breaking up, who’s your new football crush? After much consideration, I think it’s fair to say that The Untouchaballs are fun. The story of Burr becoming a Top 10 QB in the league, the talented players on the team, and I’ve heard they also stick around after games and drink too? Seems like a perfect team to get on board with. 

4.      Can we go 5 for 5 with B’s Brother this week? B’s Brother has been to the fields every single week so far, which means we’re truly blessed yet again. If there is ever a reason he needs a ride, someone needs to call Joey Batts asap. 

5.      Have you SEEN our Social Media lately? I’m serious, do the league a favor and toss us a ‘like” or “follow” on Facebook “Topper Sports, LLC”, Instagram: @toppers_sports_league, on twitter: @toppersportsllc , and you can subscribe to the podcast on Spotify! Look for “Topper Sports Report” there. The more you take a second to like/follow, the better the league will be! 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

1.      These Breakfast Club bets keep getting more fun from what I’m hearing. Last week saw a team pyramid/haiku reading after a loss, bras are on the line like it’s 2012, mimosas are flowing. Shout out once again to the Captains for making Breakfast Club the best part of the TSL day. 

2.      Speaking of Breakfast Club, I just noticed that there was a 44-44 TIE last week. Ties should not be happening in Breakfast Club. I propose that in the event of a tie, each team selects a “champion” who will battle in a shotgun race for the victory. 

3.      One more about Breakfast Club: The rumors of Fall BC are swirling again, aided by the fact that it decides who’s on the sublist. Anyway, here are the Predictions for this week: 

a.      The Escourts 33, Dominatrix 14

b.      Steph Infection 37, Trish’s Tiny Disasters 34

c.      Liddle Deaks 38, Jennatalia 26

4.      Topper has informed me he has MANY surprises for Lenny and Rameer Day on June 4th. I won’t stop repeating it because if you’re going to spend at least one day at the Rose Garden this season, plan for it to be this one. If you still need ideas for it Topper, just know that Lenny would’ve gotten a mime or two. 

5.      The referees have been fantastic, and once again we have new people stepping up for the challenge. Thank you to everyone that’s been helping out. I’ve been told its as smooth as it’s ever been lately. Someone stop Coach Jay from stepping down. 

6.      So, on the plus side, it’s going to be 78 degrees in Buffalo this weekend. On the downside, there’s currently a 69% (nice) chance of rain for the afternoon games. It won’t be nearly as windy though, so that helps. Wear your sunscreen. 

7.      Shout out to Topper for going above and beyond last weekend when he handed out “TSL Hero” shirts to the ladies who rushed to the aid of a fellow TSLer a few weeks ago. He didn’t have to do that, but he had to let you know just how amazing and important you all are. It was quite the story to hear. 

8.      There’re a few bad apples that have brought in some outside alcohol to the fields. Please don’t do that. It really, really makes the bar mad. Understandably so, I might add. Don’t do it. 

9.      Yet again, if you want to get more publicity in the article, you just have to email (like others do!) at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. It takes no time at all. 

10.  Finally, your “Best Games to Watch” Schedule for Saturday: 

a.      10:00 - Sticky Bandits vs Scared Hitless

b.      11:00 - Buffalo Vice vs Frodo Swaggins

c.      12:00 - Bullet Club vs The Notorious BNB

d.      1:00 - Practice Squad vs Vaspian

e.      2:00 - DILFs vs Grey Hair Don’t Care

f.       3:00 - Sleezin Szn vs Itches And Ohs

And that’s the bottom line, because the Godfather said so. 

-GF OUT

Week 3 Thoughts, Picks & Stuff

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Category: The Godfather's Picks

Created: Friday, 29 April 2022 13:58

Published: Friday, 29 April 2022 13:58

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 1546

Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, on April 30th in the Year of Our Lord 2022, you will descend upon the Rose Garden once again, but this time things will be different. 

You see, Week 3 of the season is when things really start moving. The “fresh season smell” has nearly dissipated (someone explain that word to the Freeballers, I can’t guarantee they know how Google works), the rust has been properly shaken off, and now the real season begins. 

There’s no more clowning around, that’s for sure. The first two weeks of the season don’t always show the story of how the season will go. Too often I’ve seen 0-2 or even 0-3 teams go on to win their divisions. How you play in the middle of April does not guarantee that’s how you’ll play at the end of June. 

So, what teams look to be overperforming and you shouldn’t trust (or bet on with TSL’s new spreads on FanDuel and DraftKings, coming soon!)? What teams look like dog crap on a hot summer’s day right now, but they’ll be there to contend on Championship Saturday? Luckily for you, dear loyal reader, I’ve done the work. 

THE OVERPERFORMERS:

I won’t get into everyone here, but let’s just say that there’s a few standouts you shouldn’t get too excited about. 

STICKY BANDITS - The TSL’s “D2 team masked as a D1 team but you kind of forgot about that because Losing Streak distracted you” for a few seasons now, they’re off to the best start in their history, 1-1. They’ve apparently scored on every possession so far this season. Somehow, Mike Thomas has gone from “Fringe Top 10” QB to #1 in the rankings. Remember last year when Sam Darnold did really well for two weeks in Carolina before turning back into a pumpkin? This has similar vibes. Playing a “not all there” Tight Ends and a “Whatever the hell Eyes Downtown are now” Eyes Downtown isn’t that impressive, and this week’s matchup against the Legends should end all this nonsense. 

4th AND SOMETHING - Don’t get me wrong, I love the Team Keller story like I do every year, but it’s early in the season which means a few things: 1st off, Scotty Dro hasn’t blown off a game or two to travel or play on a boat somewhere. 2nd, if you look at the schedule, they’ve only played two overmatched teams in Show Me Dem TDs and the current “What is wrong with them?” Buffalo Vice squad. Weak schedule so far with no roster shenanigans can only mean this team will be “shockingly” 3-5 in a few weeks trying to “regain their form from early in the season”. 

SCARED HITLESS - Scared Hitless is 2-0 and while that shouldn’t be too surprising, it’s how they did it that’s masking how good they are this time around. I had enough emails to know that they’ve decided to wear the same jersey colors as their opponents now, in an effort to confuse everyone. Once the rest of D2 catches on that they aren’t “that white team” anymore, they’ll be back to losing a few more games. 

THE “DON’T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME” TEAMS:

EYES DOWNTOWN - Okay Bobby, get your life together. Your life is football, and it’s always been football. You want to know why Eyes Downtown isn’t 2-0? It’s because word from my spies out there tell me that Bobby is too worried about Silent Discos and hanging out with his friends instead of holding two-a-days twice a week to be the well-oiled killing machine we all know and love. Okay, not love. But respected. This is your time, stop letting it slip away. 

XMD - First off, just go rename yourselves and be DMX again. There’s something called “Brand Loyalty” here in this league. But while XMD is 0-2, they haven’t played in years, and they’re just starting to remember what they can do on those fields. An opening loss to Puckett and running into the buzzsaw that is Spinelli’s makes them look like outsiders to a STACKED top of D4, but I assure you, they’ll be in the mix sooner than later. 

BUFFALO VICE - I’m not saying it’s not because I haven’t gotten my emails from Dan yet, but it’s the only thing I can think of that they’re doing differently that could curse them. I’m willing to bet they’ve had some attendance issues (A Buffalo Vice staple at times) and I just know they’re not “Last in D3” bad. They have talent across the board, and I think you’re going to see them steadily climb up the standings from here on out. 

BONUS ROUND: THE “THIS WONT LOOK LIKE A SURPRISE IN FIVE WEEKS” CREW: 

TMA - I’ve only written they should’ve been in D5 for approximately 3 seasons now, if not more. This isn’t your old TMA. Seriously, they aren’t, as they’ve gotten some different players due to injuries and life and whatnot. The guys are playing so well that they don’t have to rely on Brent to do everything, QB Ryan has made everyone forget about Johnny Dio, and those girls got even better with the addition of Kassiani to the mix. It’s hard to see a D5 team that can consistently hang with them. Look out D5, and look out D4 in the fall. 

SPINELLI’S PLUMBING - Kind of hard not to put the league’s most exciting team for the last few seasons here. They moved up another division after knocking out D5 and D6 titles. And what did D4 bring them? 50+ points each game, great defense, and on top of the division. This has become the standard for a franchise that was “laughable” a few years ago. Good luck to anyone that has to deal with them. 

TOX - You want them to be good. We all do. They’re a collection of some of the best people on and off the field on Saturdays. But D4 is looking to be a bit too much for them as they break in a new QB and figure out a lot of stuff. I’m not sure moving up a division was the right call, but one thing is for sure: They’re not going down without a fight. 

WHEN DOVE CRIES - Yeah, they’re only 0-1. And yeah, they only lost to Passed Our Prime by 1 score. But that was with the apparent magical arm of Mike Thomas, and not with the “I had surgery just before the season so I can’t play” Topper. That means it’s going to get worse. Revamping their entire female crew in a highly competitive division on the fly is going to take some getting used to. Sure, they have some talent in Talia, Cheryl, and “new girl”, but also, Cheryl comes from a system of timing and accuracy and well, like I said, Topper is eventually the QB. Bottom line, when you name your team after Tim Dove, but then actually have to ask him back on the team later on, it isn’t a good sign.  

Remember that I always have uncanny accuracy here, so there will be no need to go back and look at any of this later on to make sure. 

And with that, we’re on to week 3: 

D1:

Last Week’s Games:

Sticky Bandits 54, Eyes Downtown 46

Legends 30, Tight Ends In Motion 20

The Legends continue to roll, as the best team money can buy easily dispatches of the shell of what used to be Tight Ends In Motion. Meanwhile, Sticky Nation celebrates a huge win on what I’m being told was their 10-year anniversary. 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES:

Legends vs Sticky Bandits (+10) - The feel-good story for Sticky’s offense comes to an end here, as I’ll personally guarantee they don’t score on every possession here. But I have this feeling that they’ll make it a bit closer than you think. LEGENDS BY 3

Eyes Downtown vs Tight Ends In Motion (EVEN) - I’m not sure which team will coming out of this, but both could use a win. This is going to become a question of who wants it more, and I firmly believe Bobby does. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 6

D2:

LAST WEEK’S GAMES: 

Scared Hitless 31, DILFS 20

Passed Our Prime 32, When Dove Cries 25

Passed Our Prime 49, Bullet Club 36

The Notorious BNB 38, Grey Hair Don’t Care 31

Scared Hitless moves to 2-0 with a strong effort yet again, Passed Our Prime goes 2-0 on the day with a couple of big wins and an offense that can’t be stopped, and The Notorious BNB is quietly leading the division with a very good effort against Grey Hair. 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES:

Bullet Club vs When Dove Cries (+5) - Topper vs Joe K battles aren’t nearly as fun when I heard neither would be a part of this game, which means I have to talk about something else. Bullet Club gets QB Dylan Jaloza back, after putting up 36 with Tommy Emerson Hughes throwing for them last week. I’m not sure who will be throwing for WDC this week (or any week until Topper comes back) but either way it’s an improvement. BULLET CLUB BY 3

The Notorious BNB vs Scared Hitless (EVEN) - Someone should wear white here. But jokes aside, we have an early matchup for control of D2 that should be a very good game. Both teams are evenly matched and feature and array of superstars on both sides of the ball. With D2 giving the #1 seed a bye this year, this game could be huge for tiebreakers. SCARED HITLESS BY 2

D3:

LAST WEEK’S GAMES:

Frodo Swaggins 44, Sleezin Szn 43

4th And Something 37, Buffalo Vice 34

The Untouchaballs 40, Itches and Ohs 32

Three games for D3 last week, and every single one of them looked awesome. Frodo pulls out a 1-point win over a very spry Sleezin team. 4th and Something continue to look good as they get a 3-point victory over Buffalo Vice, and in the big game, Jeremy Burr pulls out a big ol’ win over Itches and Ohs and the Mosers. 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES:

Frodo Swaggins vs The Untouchaballs (EVEN) - Arguably the top two teams in the division right now go head-to-head in what is sure to be another classic. D3 is apparently going to just keep having some “bangers” as the kids say. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 2

Buffalo Vice vs Freeballers (+7) - If Vice is ever going to turn things around, this is the place to start. Freeballers’ defense will certainly give them a game, and if they slow Vice down enough, they’ll be able to pull an upset. Vice’s season isn’t on the line, but it feels like it. BUFFALO VICE BY 6

Frodo Swaggins vs Itches and Ohs (EVEN) - Frodo gets an awful doubleheader this week, playing arguably their biggest competition for the D3 title that’s eluded them. I don’t know how the schedule makers could do this to a team, seems almost unfair. Look for Itches and Ohs to take advantage of Frodo’s second game. ITCHES AND OHS BY 8

The Untouchaballs vs Sleezin Szn (+3) - Oh, wait. The Untouchaballs ALSO have a pretty terrible doubleheader. After what will surely be a big game against Frodo, Untouchaballs have to go up against a Sleezin Szn team that just gave them some trouble. I’ve heard rumors they may be looking for a QB though. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 8

Itches and Ohs vs 4th And Something (+6) - Another doubleheader for a top team. What a wacky week this is turning out to be in D3. Anyway, 4th and Something get to play Itches and Ohs on the back end of their double header, which is a great recipe for chaos. 4TH AND SOMETHING BY 4

D4:

LAST WEEK’S GAMES:

Cunning Stunts 52, Can’t Touch This 14

Spinelli’s Plumbing 52, XMD 36

Practice Squad 32, ILF 29

Varsity Has Beens 31, Today’s Feast 25

Zack Attack 32, TOX 8

Vaspian 15, Puckett All-Stars 13

The ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’ are really starting to show themselves in D4. The Stunts, with actual #1 ranked QB Joey Batts at the helm, are as dialed in as ever, looking like the haven’t lost a step. Meanwhile, Spinelli’s Plumbing just keeps flushing the competition, putting up 52 points of their own. Practice Squad sneaks by a very spry ILF on the final play of the game, and Varsity Has Beens snagged their first victory ever (I think) over Today’s Feast. Meanwhile, Zack Attack’s disgusting defense suffocated TOX and Vaspian beats Puckett in a tough battle at 15-13. 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES:

Practice Squad vs Can’t Touch This (+13) - Can’t Touch This is still finding their way this season, as their offense is still learning the ropes and just can’t seem to muster up more than two touchdowns a game. That’s not going to cut it against Practice Squad, who continue to be on a bit of a warpath as they want to be considered a top title contender. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 17

Cunning Stunts vs Puckett All-Stars (+10) - I assume the spread is less about Puckett’s recent play (which has been good) and more about the 52 the Stunts offense just dropped. Puckett has been around enough to know that gender TDs matter, and they have sneaky good girls that might not get a ton of press, but the can get the job done. CUNNING STUNTS BY 12

Zack Attack vs ILF (+8) - ILF’s offense has been “just okay” and unfortunately for them, that won’t cut it against the ZA defense. They’ll also be playing a backup QB this week (Thanks for the tip, Andrew!) which could cause them to be off their game. But don’t worry Zack Attack, I DID notice you scored higher than 30 last week. If this team is firing on all cylinders? Look out. ZACK ATTACK BY 8

Vaspian vs Varsity Has Beens (+6) - Vaspian’s defense has been lights out, only allowing 26 points in their two games. The problem is that the offense is about as bad as it can get, only scoring 34 points this season, which is better known as “a good half” for Spinelli’s. They’re going to have to get the offense going to really be considered a contender. Meanwhile, the VHBs are riding high after their win and are perhaps putting something together. Seems like a nice mix for the upset special of the week! VARSITY HAS BEENS BY 4

XMD vs Today’s Feast (+10) - Today’s Feast and XMD have the same defensive issues so far (they’ve allowed 87 and 86 points respectively) But XMD’s offense has been a little better against arguably tougher opponents. It should be a close game early, but XMD pulls away late. XMD BY 13

D5: 

LAST WEEK’S GAMES:

Cobblestone 26, Two Tuddies 12

TMA 28, Tater Tots 8

TMA 37, Come From Behind 30

Come From Behind 40, Red Zone Mafia 30

Passing While Intoxicated 25, Not So Sticky 24

Darryl. Carr. QB. Superstar. Darryl beats up on Two Tuddies (who yet again scored exactly that) to welcome them to the TSL properly. How is Darryl not in the Top 10 of QBs? Such disrespect. The real story in D5 is of course TMA, who took two top opponents and walked away with two wins to go to 3-0. Come From Behind, however, would rebound from that TMA loss to take a nice win against the Red Zone Mafia later in the day. 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES:

Tater Tots vs Passing While Intoxicated (EVEN) - Both teams are 1-1, and they both have similar stats thus far. Both teams are looking to get settled in and get to winning some football games and to avoid losing what could be some key tiebreakers by season’s end. This has game of the day written all over it. PASSING WHILE INTOXICATED BY 2

TMA vs Cobblestone (+6) - D5’s only two undefeated teams go head-to-head this week, and I’m not entirely sure what’s going to happen. Darryl is as good as he ever was, but the TMA defense has translated pretty nicely to D5 so far. This game will be a ‘closer than you think’ matchup, but when the smoke clears? TMA BY 3

Come From Behind vs Cobblestone (EVEN) - The scheduling gods worked in our favor for once, giving us Darryl vs Paul this week. Hopefully, there won’t be any flight delays to keep us from this battle of QBs with the best hair in the league. CFB gets their revenge here. COME FROM BEHIND BY 7

TMA vs Not So Sticky (+9) - The fun-loving bunch from Not So Sticky get to go up against the dialed in “super serious” TMA. I’m never sure if NSS’ shenanigans get in the way of them playing the games, but I have a feeling they’ll take this one a little more seriously. It won’t matter. TMA BY 10. 

Not So Sticky vs 716 (+3) - 716 catches NSS on the back half of a double header as they’re looking for their first win this season. “Pew and Crew” are criminally underrated in these parts, and they’ll be doing what they can to make others (and Godfathers) remember their name. 716 BY 12

Red Zone Mafia vs Two Tuddies (+6) - RZM looks the part of badasses, yet it hasn’t quite translated to the fields yet, but they’re getting there. To me, they seem like a team that’s going to get a little bit better each week and then you’ll have to watch out for them in the playoffs. As for my Tud Buds, I’ve heard nothing but great things about these people from my informants. They have the right attitude, and hopefully it translates to some wins soon. Not this week though. RED ZONE MAFIA BY 12

D6:

Last Week’s Games:

Travis Henry’s Kids 52, Blitzkrieg 23

Southside 21, Lettuce Win 20

Lenny’s Ladies 9, Woodpeckers 8

Oh, there you are THK. I think someone told you guys the season started a week later than it did. THK beat up on Blitzkrieg, who apparently has a little work to do before this is “the year”. Southside finds themselves on top of the Division after upending Lettuce Win in a very close battle. And then Lenny’s Ladies beat the Woodpeckers in a game that had absolutely zero interesting things happen in it. 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES:

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Lettuce Win (+8) - A win for Lettuce would really stake their claim as a D6 contender. They had a shot to do it last week but blew it against Southside. Now THK is here, and if they’re on, well, they’re a different animal. I’d like to think my inspirational chatter about them last week encouraged them to put up 52. Let’s see if you can do it again John. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 15

Blitzkrieg vs Lenny’s Ladies (+12) - These two teams have had some battles in the past, but BK has had the Ladies’ number the last couple of games. Add into the fact that they need to find their game after last week’s thrashing, and it doesn’t look good for Lenny’s. BLITZKRIEG BY 18

Southside vs Blitzkrieg (+7) - Southside staked their claim to the D6 throne last week. They also smacked THK around Week 1 while Blitzkrieg, well, didn’t, in Week 2. It might be recency bias, but Southside just feels like they’re legit. SOUTHSIDE BY 4

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

1.      Will B’s Brother make it 3 for 3? The TSL has been thriving every week just because Jeffy has been there. He hasn’t made it to three weeks in a row since 2018. Can we have this magic yet again? 

2.      Which division is the most competitive? It’s easy to say D2, and D6 is going to be a war between all of the teams. But the answer still lies in D4. I know they have 12 teams, but I think they have arguably 5-7 legit title contenders and it’s going to be incredible to watch them play it out. 

3.      What is wrong with the QB rankings committee? I have a feeling that after years of Chris Cole making it easy on them, they forgot how to actually do their jobs. These rankings are all over the place. Perhaps we get rid of higher weight placed on D1 games, since our current D1 is just a glorified D2 anyway. I mean, Spinelli’s is torching teams. Joey Batts is killing it in D1 and D4. Just so, so much to argue. 

4.      Have you signed your waiver yet? Seriously, if you haven’t, you’re not going to be allowed to play. You had enough warning. 

5.      Are we cursed? It appears the lesser leagues in the area have put some sort of voodoo hex over the fields this season, but if I’m not mistaken, Topper will be having the fields blessed with Holy Water in order to give us some smooth sailing the rest of the season. 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY: 

1.      Hearing about the amazing actions of the TSLers who tended to one of our own in their time of need was overwhelming. We have some extremely good TSLers in this league, and your selflessness last week proved just how much of a family this league really is. Great, great work. 

2.      The best games to watch this week: 

a.      10:00 - Passing While Intoxicated vs Tater Tots

b.      11:00 - TMA vs Cobblestone

c.      12:00 - Itches and Ohs vs Frodo Swaggins

d.      1:00 - The Notorious BNB vs Scared Hitless

e.      2:00 - Eyes Downtown vs Tight Ends In Motion

f.       3:00 - Two Tuddies vs Red Zone Mafia

3.      Breakfast Club Predictions: 

a.      The EsCourts 21 - Jennatalia 18

b.      Steph Infection 30 - DOMINatrix 24

c.      Liddle Deaks 37 - Trish’s Tiny Disasters 34

4.      What’s that? You’re still mad I didn’t mention you and your team enough? Feel free to email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. like everyone else does. Thanks.

5.      Did you know we also have a Twitter Account? @toppersportsllc is looking to be back up and running. Give it a follow now! 

6.      Shoutout to Punkin The Clown (And Steph The Clown) for coming out to the fields this week to paint the faces of some Breakfast Club losers. 

7.      The best part about seeing all of the photos from last week? The sunburned faces. Wear your sunscreen people, we always go over this. 

8.      3 teams that need a win this week: Buffalo Vice, Blitzkrieg, Sticky Bandits

9.      Congrats to all of the winners of the Fall 2021 Awards (as posted in the Power Rankings article yesterday). It wasn’t ideal to just post them, but we’re 3 weeks into the Spring season, not sure what else Topper could do. 

10.  Remember, all sub list requests go to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. , and you’re going to need to request people who are on the Sub List only. You can do it! 

And that’s it for this week, good luck out there, and stay safe. That means sunscreen. 

Enjoy! 

-GF

Week 4 Thoughts, Picks & Stuff

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Category: The Godfather's Picks

Created: Friday, 06 May 2022 11:40

Published: Friday, 06 May 2022 11:40

Written by Patrick McGovern

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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, how are you? 

We’ve made it to May! That’s sad because the season is ⅓ of the way over, but it’s a great thing because the season is in full swing. For the first time all season, we didn’t have any ambulances or anything serious happen, other than a few minor inconveniences. (See what I did there?) 

But, because of all the distractions out there, there’s some good things not being noticed on the fields by the TSL community! But don’t you worry your little heads because I see what’s happening out there.

I SEE YOU, Vaspian. Vaspian is quietly sitting at 3-0 in a juggernaut filled D4. While the teams around them such as the Cunning Stunts, Practice Squad, the hyper impressive Spinelli’s, and even the 2-1 Zack Attack take all of the press, Vaspian is once again putting together a terrific regular season that nobody is paying attention to. 

I SEE YOU, Cobblestone. Darryl F’ing Carr and his glorious mane have turned back the clock to 1977, and Cobblestone is 4-0 for what feels like the first time in forever. I know there are people expecting the Timeless Wonder’s body to just give up on him sometime during the season, but it’s looking more and more like he made a deal with the devil for this season and he’s just going to keep throwing dimes. Good luck D5. 

I SEE YOU, 4th And Something. This might be the death knell they didn’t want, but this team is crushing my preseason expectations, and yours. Scotty looks great, anything that’s a Keller looks great, and what’s scarier is that they’re having fun. That makes them even more dangerous. The Untouchaballs are the “media darlings” of D3, but this team looks to give them a run for their money. 

But with the good teams people aren’t talking enough about, there’s the bad teams that are sliding by as well. 

I SEE YOU, Bullet Club. Bullet Club is 0-3 for 100th straight season, despite adding some Public Enemy castoffs and getting a new QB. New team, new players, same results: getting blown out, blowing leads, and having nobody show up. 

I SEE YOU, Buffalo Vice. Your best player is a 10-year-old. No wait, that’s just Caitlyn, they look alike. Your second-best player is a 10-year-old (with some moves!), you’re 0-3, and this just isn’t the magical season you envisioned in the offseason. I’m not going to say it’s because Dan didn’t send me his usual team report email, but it feels like it might be that way. 

I SEE YOU, Can’t Touch This. Today’s Feast might also be 0-3, but they’ve scored nearly double the points. I know CTT is a new team (or a renamed team, I guess), but 33 points in 3 games isn’t going to cut it. D4 is just too packed, and I think we’ve got one of our ‘miss the playoffs” teams currently. Prove me wrong guys. D5 is in your future, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Eleven teams have yet to win a game this session, which feels like a lot when we’re three weeks into the season. Granted, two of those teams have only played 1 game so far, but even still you’d think one of the other 9 would stumble into a victory at some point by now. The good part is that some of these will eventually play each other, some as soon as this week. For the teams that aren’t getting noticed yet, there’s still a LOT of time for you to keep doing what you’re doing and as the Macho Man Randy Savage once said, The Cream Rises To The Top. You’ll get noticed sooner than later. Heck, I’ve already noticed you. Enjoy that target on your backs. 

Let’s move on to Da Writeup. 

D1:

Last Week’s Scores:

Legends 30, Sticky Bandits 29

Eyes Downtown 36, Tight Ends In Motion 34

Okay, maybe the Legends aren’t going to slaughter everyone as previously predicted, and perhaps Eyes Downtown isn’t dead yet. These are good things. Very close games this week, which is exactly what you want in your top division. 

This Week’s Games:

Tight Ends In Motion vs Sticky Bandits (+3) - The last time these two met, I believe both teams scored on every possession. I also believe both teams were shorthanded. This game is going to look a lot like the last one, hopefully with both teams at full strength. STICKY BANDITS BY 1

Legends vs Eyes Downtown (+6) - The Legends are 3-0, while everyone else is 1-2, but like I said, they’re not destroying the league. Despite a rough start, Eyes Downtown is molding into the team we all assumed they’d be out of the gate. I’m not a brave enough person to pick them to win just yet, but we’re getting closer. LEGENDS BY 6

D2:

Last Week’s Games:

When Dove Cries 30, Bullet Club 13

Scared Hitless 41, The Notorious BNB 28

I’m not sure how, but there were only two D2 games last week. Bullet Club got outclassed by a superior When Dove Cries team who’s still figuring out life without Topper (hint: Get Mike Thomas) but the real news happened in the other game. Scared Hitless officially staked their claim to the D2 title with a very nice win over The Notorious BNB. I’ve said for years that Scared Hitless will go as far as their QB will take them, and the reports I’ve gotten from the “spies” at the field is that Dylan looks to be taking that “next step”. Jonny F’n Football, I KNOW you’re reading this, so email me and tell me if this is true. I need that confident email in my life. 

This Week’s Games:

Passed Our Prime vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+10) - POP is coming off a bye week as they’ve learned to rest Hogan’s arm once every couple of weeks. He’s not exactly a picture of health, so anything they can do to keep him healthy is important here. Grey Hair is coming along nicely, despite the 0-2 record. There was always going to be an adjustment period. They’ll be okay, but I don’t think they can score nearly enough points to keep up with the purple machine. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 15

When Dove Cries vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+3) - A much more manageable matchup for Grey Hair in their second game of the day. When Dove Cries has been average so far, but you know who’s been getting a lot of publicity in my weekly messages from people? Talia! People are letting me know she’s killing it, which is great for a team that lost two Clarkes and a Kelly in the offseason. It’s just what they need. WHEN DOVE CRIES BY 3

DILFS vs Bullet Club (+7) - A classic matchup as these teams have met for what feels to be 100 times now already. And the story remains the same as usual here too. Both teams are near the bottom of the D2 standings, but somehow they’ll throw an upset or two in the playoffs and I’ll write about how “D2 once again has its 5th, 6th, and 7th seeds still alive in the playoffs!” and all of that. But for right now, one team is playing better, and that’s the DILFs. DILFS BY 9

Scared Hitless vs Passed Our Prime (+4) - Here we are in the latest of the ‘what an awesome matchup in D2’ games. This game has huge playoff implications for the #1 seed bye tiebreakers. Scared Hitless can score with POP. But can POP play defense with Scared Hitless? The first team to get a stop will more than likely win this game. Count on Scared Hitless to get it. SCARED HITLESS BY 6

D3:

Last Week’s Games: 

The Untouchaballs 35, Frodo Swaggins 28

Freeballers 36, Buffalo Vice 12

Itches and Ohs 42, Frodo Swaggins 41

The Untouchaballs 38, Sleezin Szn 25

4th And Something 49, Itches and Ohs 32

The Untouchaballs go 2-0 against some tough competition to really show they belong here when we talk about the best teams in D3. Frodo Swaggins lose two close games, so while they went 0-2, that isn’t the end of the world, as they have to know they could’ve won both games and been the talk of the league going into today. The Freeballers beat up on Buffalo Vice, which can only have all of Vice contemplating retirement at this point. And 4th and Something smacked around Itches and Ohs to assert their dominance atop the division. D3 is getting really, really fun. 

This Week’s Games:

Frodo Swaggins vs Show Me Dem TDs (+8) - SMDTDs make their return to the fields after a couple of weeks off, and they get a refocused Frodo for their troubles. SMDTDs has a really nice, revamped roster though, so you can’t sleep on them just yet. This game will be closer than you think. SHOW ME DEM TDS BY 2

4th and Something vs The Untouchaballs (EVEN) - OH. IT. IS. ON!!! The top two teams in the division meet at 1:00 on Field 2 in what should be an epic battle. Scotty vs Burr should give anyone watching this game an earful. This is the championship preview, and you should all be there to witness. I refuse to give either team a chip on their shoulders, so: THE GAME WILL END IN A TIE. 

Itches and Ohs vs Freeballers (+6) - Itches is a slightly better team, despite both of them being .500. I actually think this game will be a shootout, so take the over. Both teams can score, but I give Itches the edge based on their overall female talent being a little better. ITCHES AND OHS BY 2

Sleezin Szn vs Buffalo Vice (+7) - These two teams are a combined 0-5, but they’ve been mostly competitive when they have all their players. I have a feeling Vice is struggling with attendance, and that is why they’re 0-3. Sleezin hasn’t been slouches in their games so far either. I think the Sleezin offense is slightly better right now, which should give them the edge. SLEEZIN SZN BY 10

D4: 

Last Week’s Games:

Practice Squad 22, Can’t Touch This 6

Cunning Stunts 45, Puckett All-Stars 44

ILF 19, Zack Attack 14

Vaspian 36, Varsity Has Beens 22

XMD 42, Today’s Feast 20

D4 had quite the week last week! We had a little bit of everything: First, a top team laid the smack down on a bottom dweller as Practice Squad waltzed through Can’t Touch This. Then we had an absolute banger between the Stunts and Puckett, who showed they can hang with the top teams in the division (even though we already knew that) despite the 1-2 record. We had an upset as ILF took out the Zack Attack, we had Vaspian win a potential trap game for them against VHB, and we got to see the XMD of old air it out in a win over Today’s Feast. Just a lot of fun in this absolutely insane division. 

This Week’s Games:

Zack Attack vs Can’t Touch This (+12) - The early leaders for best at the bar took an L last weekend, which can only spell doom for CTT, who as I’ve said before are still trying to find their way. A struggling offense that’s working on things running into one of the best defenses the league can throw at them isn’t a recipe for success. ZACK ATTACK BY 18

Practice Squad vs Puckett All-Stars (+2) - These two teams can score pretty similarly, so I expect nothing but a close contest in a big matchup that really has “Game of the Day” vibes to it. B has been pretty awesome since making his return to QB a couple of years ago, and he really is the perfect match for this squad. There’s talent all over the place to make him look good, but we all know his secret for this season: bringing B’s Brother. It’s the source of his powers. I guess you can say that having B’s Brother around really makes them “Plugged In”. Anyway, while making the playoffs shouldn’t be an issue for Puckett, they’re going to have to win one of these games sooner or later. I think this is it. PUCKETT ALL STARS BY 1

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (+14) - Is 14 a lot? Yes. But I don’t make the point spreads here. Even though the ILF defense is slightly underrated by the league as a whole, I can’t imagine them being able to stop this juggernaut of an offense, nor can I imagine them scoring enough to win a “track meet” with Spinelli’s. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 10. 

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs TOX (+24) - 14 might’ve been a lot for the game above, but 24 doesn’t feel nearly enough. There isn’t much to say here. This is going to be the TSL’s version of a car crash, but it’s a semi hitting a Razor Scooter. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 30. 

XMD vs Varsity Has Beens (+6) - The numbers show that these two teams are pretty close. They’re currently the 35th and 37th ranked teams in all of the TSL, both are 1-2, and both have been a part of close games so far. I think XMD has a little more firepower on offense which is usually the difference here. XMD BY 3

TOX vs Today’s Feast (EVEN) - One of these teams will no longer be winless leaving today. TOX’s offense is averaging a very sad 11 points a game so far, while allowing about 37 a game. Today’s Feast is scoring a more modest 20 points a game, while allowing around 43 points a game. The math is set up to give Today’s Feast a big victory and get on the board! LETS GO! TODAY’S FEAST BY 3

Cunning Stunts vs Vaspian (+6) - Well Vaspian, I gave you the inspirational “I See You” speech at the top of the column. Now it’s on you to prove me right. If you’re going to be talked about this season, you need to win this game, or you’ll be living in the shadows of these girls the rest of the season. The Stunts are amazing and talented, and they have the #1 QB in the league in Joey Batts throwing his best. It’s a tall order, but Vaspian is quite tall themselves. This is the big one. VASPIAN BY 2

D5:

Last Week’s Games:

Tater Tots 28, Passing While Intoxicated 10

Cobblestone 30, TMA 22

Cobblestone 40, Come From Behind 6

TMA 42, Not So Sticky 14

716 40, Not So Sticky 6

Red Zone Mafia 52, Two Tuddies 27

The Tater Tots get right back on track this week as they take a relatively easy game from PWI. Cobblestone goes 2-0 against some D5 heavy hitters and stake their claim to the championship. Big weekend for them. TMA rebounded from the Cobblestone loss to destroy Not So Sticky, who went 0-2 on the day with a combined score of 82-20. Woof. And finally the Red Zone Mafia moved to 2-1 on the season with a win over the Tuddies. 

This Week’s Games:

Cobblestone vs Passing While Intoxicated (+9) - Reports of Darryl’s super team are flowing into the league offices, but quite frankly, they can be beaten, and the TSL is just more fun when Cobblestone is good. PWI is definitely a fun new team that is going to get more dangerous as time goes on. But that’s not right now. COBBLESTONE BY 8

716 vs Come From Behind (+5) - 716 is off to a quietly decent start here, while CFB is uncharacteristically 1-3 and looking up at the standings. I don’t believe they’ll end up being in the play-in game (Not with NSS and the Tuddies around) and from what I’ve been told Paul hasn’t been there to throw yet, so things aren’t that dire, but they’re going to need knock out a win or two soon. I know 716 had some recent roster shuffling that could affect the mojo they’re building, so it seems like it’s a perfect storm for CFB. COME FROM BEHIND BY 8

Tater Tots vs Not So Sticky (+9) - You just never know what you’re going to get from Not So Sticky. I know that’s kind of the point, but one season they’re looking like they could challenge for the championship and now they look like they forgot what football is. They’re hard to predict. As for the Tots, David Marcus (who from what I understand has upgraded from “Drunk Meg’s Boyfriend” to “Drunk Meg’s Husband”) has put together a really good squad that people just continue to underestimate. They quietly have a better than average group of ladies out there, and they know how to play TSL football. Don’t be surprised to see them as D5 championship contenders in a few weeks. TATER TOTS BY 12

TMA vs Red Zone Mafia (+10) - On the plus side for TMA, getting the loss out of the way early means there’s zero pressure of going undefeated in D5. Not that they’ve ever needed help getting motivated. From what I’m being told, they just feel like a different team now that the championship monkey is off their back, and they can just play football. RZM is sitting at 2-1 and not getting any love right now in the press. Perhaps I should’ve given them an “I SEE YOU” earlier, but I’m not going back to fix that. I overlooked them even when I was looking for overlooked teams. That should tell you everything you need to know about them, and I’ll firmly place that chip on their shoulders. This is the game for them to really make a statement. But I don’t think they will. TMA BY 12

Not So Sticky vs Two Tuddies (+3) - Some divisions have championship previews. D5 has Play-in game previews. The Tuddies have a real chance to take their first win of their careers here, as Not So Sticky tends to be Not So Sober when they play at 2:00pm. A fun game should be had by all. TWO TUDDIES BY 7

D6:

Last Week’s Scores:

Travis Henry’s Kids 43, Lettuce Win 24

Blitzkrieg 34, Lenny’s Ladies 33

Blitzkrieg 21, Southside 0

Travis Henry’s Kids look like they’re going to stomp the division at this rate after an early season hiccup Week 1. Blitzkrieg survives Lenny’s Ladies to get their first win of the season, but then were gifted a forfeit win when Southside was unfortunately caught with some illegal players. Let’s make it pretty clear that even without those players, Southside was apparently stomping Blitzkrieg that game.

This Week’s Games:

Blitzkrieg vs Lettuce Win (EVEN) - There aren’t too many “both teams need this win badly” games this week, but this one is one of them for sure. Lettuce Win has followed up their win over Lenny’s Ladies in Week 1 with a loss to Southside and they got blown out by THK. Blitzkrieg followed up getting blown out by THK with a win over Lenny’s Ladies and they were losing to Southside until fate intervened. You see where I’m going with this. Both teams need this win to get on track before things unravel for the season. If either team is going to be a contender here, this is the prove it game. BLITZKRIEG BY 3

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Woodpeckers (+16) - The Woodpeckers make their return to the fields after a whopper of a first game this season. And they get thrown right into the buzzsaw that is THK. THK has scored 95 points in the last two weeks combined, and they don’t look like they can be stopped right now. Are they too good for D6? Probably. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 20

Southside vs Lenny’s Ladies (+10) - Lenny’s Ladies had quite the battle with Blitzkrieg last week as backup QB George was excellent subbing in. They scored late to pull within a point, went for two, and didn’t get it. So, they’re riding high right now. Southside is being talked about for all the wrong reasons right now, when they should be talked about how they’re Unofficially Undefeated and they smacked around the “too good for D6” Travis Henry’s Kids Week 1. Southside is good, and they players they lost were not the reason for it. Alyssa, you’re not the first captain to be lied to in the league, and it sucks that that happened to you, but now it’s on you to rally the troops and get back to doing what you guys do best: Win. SOUTHSIDE BY 14

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY: 

1.      DID YOU SEE “THE MANAGER”? This somehow became a running theme in my inbox this week as more than a few people emailed me that the minor leagues are blatantly ripping me off and wondering if I saw this “hot new article”? Of course, I hadn’t. Do you really think the NFL pays attention to what the Arena league is doing? Naturally, after 120 people told me about it, I had to take a look. Wow, it’s more of an egregious rip off than I thought. The format is even the same. Of course, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. And I get it, when new people want to sign up to the TSL because they hear about how great the football is and how they’ve had “the article that talks about teams” for years, they might stumble upon the other site by accident, see “The Manager” and think that’s the right league. Remember when the divisions were just random colors? I even heard they had spies at the bar last week to see what else they could steal. But what’s next to copy? They get a podcast people actually listen to? They get good at football? They find a bar sponsor you don’t have to drive to? They make things affordable? The possibilities are endless. Remember kids, Game On! is what you get when you order the TSL on Wish.com, and “The Manager” is no different. Let me take this second to congratulate the Wanderers on their 4,329th straight championship. We’re waiting for you.  

2.      Have you heard about the Breakfast Club Captains Bets? Topper actually messaged me yesterday to talk about how great the Breakfast Club Captains have been, and they’re constantly making bets, the way the Lord intended. There was the clown bet earlier, someone has to wear a sign at the fields, I hear bra bets are returning, and they just keep getting wilder. It was disappointing at first to see we had so many new captains since we lost some legit league legends, but these girls have taken the ball and run with it. 

3.      Are you bringing your IDs? Topper sent out an email to the captains this week he said that players must have IDs with them in case they get called out for being children. While I’m sure the drama is over, you should have it with you just in case. We don’t want teams to start a witch hunt, however, so don’t make it one. 

4.      Did you know that the podcast is now on Spotify? That’s right! Topper claimed himself to be Executive of the Year for 2022 already, as he put the podcasts up on Spotify for your listening pleasure. You just have to search for the Topper Sports Report podcast, and you should see the infamous TSL logo pop up. This should make listening easier for many of you. And if you want to be on the podcast, just ask any of Topper, Joe K, Jeff Krol, or Trish when you see them, don’t be shy. They want new TSLers as much as possible! 

5.      Are you unhappy with your team’s lack of coverage? I say it weekly, but I can only write about the teams that talk to me, or I get spoken to about. It’s nearly impossible to know who does what on the fields when I write this article from my log cabin in Des Moines, Iowa. If I don’t know you, or even if you’ve messaged me before, email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and just take a few minutes to tell me about your team and who rocks. It doesn’t have to be long, but let’s get to spotlight some new people! 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

1.      Breakfast Club Predictions: 

a.      Trish’s Tiny Disasters 31, Jennatalia 18

b.      Steph Infection 38, The EsCourts 35

c.      Liddle Deaks 40, Dominatrix 14

2.      Here are the best games for each hour this week on the fields: 

a.      10:00 - Lettuce Win vs Blitzkrieg

b.      11:00 - Practice Squad vs Puckett All-Stars

c.      12:00 - Scared Hitless vs Passed Our Prime

d.      1:00 - 4th and Something vs The Untouchaballs

e.      2:00 - Freeballers vs Itches and Ohs

f.       3:00 - Cunning Stunts vs Vaspian

3.      The weather in Buffalo is looking to be 56 degrees and mostly sunny. Wear your sunscreen and hydrate. It’s going to be a good one as we approach #dunktankseason.

4.      Joey Batts is finally ranked #1 in the TSL QB rankings and all it took was him putting together a super team and everyone else that was actually good at quarterbacking to get hurt, retire, or take a sabbatical. Good for him. 

5.      Can we get 4 straight weeks of B’s Brother? We’ve never been so lucky. I hope he drops a new album soon. Topper Records need to make a contract signing soon. He’s also needed on the podcast as soon as possible. 

6.      Speaking of things needed at the fields, we’re overdue for a DJ Jimmy and DJ Tommy party mix to rock the Rose Garden. 

7.      Three teams that desperately need a win this week: Bullet Club, Frodo Swaggins, Come From Behind.

8.      Current Championship Team Predictions: Legends, Scared Hitless, Itches and Ohs, Spinelli’s Plumbing, Cobblestone, Southside.

9.      I’d like to take another second to shout out the TSLers who have stepped up to referee some games each week to make sure things run smoothly. It was rocky for a second, but as usual the TSL family came together and helped out. And remember: Coach Jay, who is doing FANTASTIC WORK as usual, is stepping down from being our Head of Officiating after this season. If you want to be more involved with the league, this is your chance to step up and help out! 

10.  Don’t forget these important dates: June 4th is Lenny and Rameer Day; June 18th and June 25th are the playoffs. August 13th is the Wine Tournament! I feel like we need to have something in July now. 

The TSL season is in full swing, and we’re getting to a point where anything and everything will happen. And that’s the best part about it. Have fun, be safe, and show everyone why you’re going to win the Race for Social Co-Ed Football Immortality. 

GF OUT 

Week 2 Thoughts, Picks & Stuff

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Category: The Godfather's Picks

Created: Friday, 22 April 2022 14:23

Published: Friday, 22 April 2022 14:23

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 1745

Ladies and Gentlemen, even with Mother Nature’s best efforts to stop the start of the Spring 2022 season, the Race For Social Co-Ed Football Immortality has officially begun! 

Despite most of you waking up to apparent snow flurries (that we didn’t have here in Des Moines) last Saturday, Topper did what he does best: he stood firm. He laughed in the face of bad weather and declared that the games were on. He was almost immediately rewarded for such bravery: 

B’s. Brother. 

That’s right, the TSL was graced with the presence of one of it’s greatest football minds in history right off the bat. B’s Brother showed up, championship title in hand, and before you knew it, God himself realized how special this day was and the weather consistently improved, giving the TSL a heck of a Week 1 for the Spring 2022 season. 

That’s how we kick things off. It’s only going to get better from here. 

We had some close games and some not so close games. The TSL universe forced the Angry Buffalo to open the outside bar, which wasn’t in the plans for them. People were just happy to be back and they showed it. New faces and old faces littered the bar, and as we really get settled, it’s only going to get bigger and better. 

And while the TSL’s off the field action was on fire right out of the gate, so was the action on the fields as well. We had a *lot* of close games with a few blowouts sprinkled in. Some teams were definitely shaking off the rust from a long offseason, while others looked to be preparing for this day for months. Who looked good? Who looked like they need to figure some stuff out?

Who disagreed with everything I’ve ever said about their team and would like to set the record straight? Email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. immediately to tell me why I’m wrong. Or why I’m right. Don’t be scared kids, the more you talk to me, the more press you’re going to get. 

Let’s go take a look. . . . 

D1: 

Last Week’s Games:

Tight Ends In Motion 48, Sticky Bandits 42

Legends 37, Eyes Downtown 16

Perhaps we should stop the immediate “Bobby McConnell is the #1 QB in the league now that all of the players better than him retired” chatter already. Eyes Downtown looked every bit the worst team in the division after one week, leaving one person to text me “Bobby should’ve retired too”. The Legends came in and won this game “without even really trying”. Meanwhile, Sticky took on their more athletic friends and lost, and it just proved to be near impossible for them to cover “Human Tree” Derek Bongiovanni. Both teams, however, looked pretty good on offense with neither being quite at full strength. 

This Week’s Games:

Eyes Downtown vs Sticky Bandits (+6) - Unlike the quite excited overreaction texts i received on Saturday, I’m not ready to bury Bobby and company after one bad game against a super team. However, if Eyes Downtown lose to Sticky Bandits, then the whispers might actually hold some weight. Expect Eyes Downtown to reclaim their respect this week. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 10

Legends vs Tight Ends In Motion (+8) - Until a team punches the Legends in the mouth, they’re going to be giving points each week. For all of the chatter about the girls TEIM lost, I got the most texts about Emma Patterson looking *very* good for them on the field. TEIM and just trot out top tier TSL women it seems. Anyway, another week, another championship preview it seems. Don’t know who’s going to stop the Legends, if anyone can. LEGENDS BY 14

D2:

Last Week’s Games:

Scared Hitless 31, Bullet Club 29

DILFs 33, Grey Hair 14

The Notorious BNB 45, Passed Our Prime 36

Scared Hitless had a nice comeback win over Bullet Club in a back and forth game between two evenly matched teams. Grey Hair’s first game in D2 didn’t go exactly as they would have liked, but getting a very talented DILFs squad right out of the gate isn’t the best of luck. Passed Our Prime picked up right where they left off last season: allowing nearly 50 points while only scoring about 40. If this team ever learns what defense is, they might be .500 some day. 

This Week’s Games:

DILFs vs Scared Hitless (+7) - This is a pretty nice matchup to get the day started in D2. The DILFs kicked the season off looking like division favorites, but you can’t really count out anyone in this division yet. Scared Hitless pulled off the comeback last week, not sure they can do it twice in a row. DILFS BY 6

Passed Our Prime vs When Dove Cries (+13) - When Dove Cries looks a little different than they have in season’s past, with Topper on the IR for the first few weeks of the season, and they’re breaking in a brand new set of women. It’ll be hard to score the amount of points needed to keep up with the POP offense. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 10

Passed Our Prime vs Bullet Club (EVEN) - Things get a little harder for POP in the back half of their double header as they take on a newer look Bullet Club team that looks to be a bit more rejuvenated with Tommy Hughes calling the plays and Dylan throwing the ball. This game could really be a shootout where the winning team may be the one with the ball last. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 2

The Notorious BNB vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+4) - BNB looked every bit as good as they ever have against the porous POP defense, and that’s getting them some buzz as D2 contenders. Grey Hair should have an easier time this week as they grow acclimated to a higher division. So much so that GREY HAIR BY 3

D3:

Last Week’s Games:

Frodo Swaggins 28, Freeballers 21

4th and Something 23, Show Me Dem TDs 7

Itches and Ohs 39, Buffalo Vice 16

Frodo Swaggins comes swinging right out of the gate and puts up a very nice win against the Freeballers right away. 4th and Something shows that the Keller family truly is a TSL power, as they had three generations of Keller on the sidelines. They walked away with a feel good win for sure. And Itches and Ohs picked up right where they left off, taking a dominant victory over thier old D4 rivals in Buffalo Vice. 

This Week’s Games:

Frodo Swaggins vs Sleezin Szn (+7) - If Sleezin Szn is going to make waves this year, its first test against Frodo will tell us everything we need to know. If this wasn’t the first game of the year for SS, I’d feel better about picking them. Since they have some old rust to dust off (espeically off of Doreen) i’ll run with the Swag. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 8

4th and Something vs Buffalo Vice (EVEN) - The oddsmakers didn’t know what to do with this game. 4th and Something showed some moxie last week, taking the win, while Buffalo Vice looked lost against a team they’ve played many times before. I think Buffalo Vice has a distinct speed advantage, and they’ll be able to use that to win the game. BUFFALO VICE BY 10

Itches and Ohs vs The Untouchaballs (+3) - I don’t quite know if the TSL is ready for Burr vs Moser. There is a very real chance that these two QBs get into a war of words on the field, especially if the game is close, which i think it will be. Neither are scared of the other, which can only mean one thing: It’s going to be awesome. ITCHES AND OHS BY 2

D4:

Last Week’s Games:

Puckett All-Stars 34, XMD 24

Vaspian 19, Cant Touch This 13

Zack Attack 21, Varsity Has Beens 12

Cunning Stunts 36, ILF 24

Practice Squad 42, TOX 14

Spinelli’s Plumbing 56, Today’s Feast 16

When you have a division of 12 teams, it will quickly become apparent who the top contenders are and who the top pretenders are. D4 is the place to be for wild football games that will consistently be fun. Puckett vs DMX, er, XMD, was by all reports a great football game. Vaspian and CTT either had really good defenses or really bad offenses that need to work on things. Zack Attack did what they always do, score enough to win, control the ball, and shut down the other team. Their defense is amazing, it’ll be nice to see what Varsity can do this week. The Stunts are already on fire, and they beat up on ILF in their jump up to D4. Practice Squad murdered TOX whose jump to D4 after not exactly killing it in D5 last season seems ill advised. You know what wasn’t though? Spinelli’s Plumbing jumped up to D4 and continued just raining points on people. They might have the best offense in the TSL, as it’s been nearly unstoppable for many seasons now, across THREE divisions. Considering the spots available in the divisions above them, I wouldn’t be surprised if my Spring 2023 articles talk about them in D2. 

This Week’s Games:

Cunning Stunts vs Can’t Touch This (+16) - Dear CTT, I don’t know if you’ve played a gender team before, but I’ll tell you right now: don’t underestimate the girls. They’ll beat you. It’s imperative that you get gender TDs. Good luck with this one. You’ll need it. CUNNING STUNTS BY 12

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs XMD (+8) - The Spinelli’s juggernaut rolls into town to play XMD, who only about 8 years ago were basically what Spinelli’s is now. XMD knows how to play the game, but they’re on the tracks and the train is coming. I haven’t seen SP get slowed down yet. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 14

Practice Squad vs ILF (+12) - Practice Squad is healthy. I repeat, Practice Squad is healthy. They looked every bit the part of a top D4 team last week, and while the competition gets harder for them this week with the ILF Community coming to play, they’re still a cut above them and ILF adjusts to the better competition. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 7

Varsity Has Beens vs Today’s Feast (EVEN) - Another game where we aren’t quite sure what to expect from these teams. Both of these squads got to play either the top defense or top offense in the division, so it’s not a good barometer for how they’ll actually fare during the season. I have to pick someone though, so give me the team that still did well against Zack Attack. VARSITY HAS BEENS BY 1

Zack Attack vs TOX (+7) - I’m hoping the good people at TOX shake off last week. It doesn’t get any easier for a struggling offense than getting to play Zack Attack though. The Attack looked right at home like they haven’t missed a beat last week. D4 is on notice. ZACK ATTACK BY 7

Puckett All-Stars vs Vaspian (EVEN) - This should be a really good back and forth between two evenly matched teams. Puckett seems to have thier offense humming a little bit better right now though. PUCKETT ALL STARS BY 13

D5:

Last Week’s Games:

TMA 26, Passing While Intoxicated 21

Cobblestone 42, Come From Behind 39

Tater Tots 33, Two Tuddies 14

Red Zone Mafia 27, 716 21

TMA finally moves up to D5 and they get a win over a brand new team in PWI. PWI is lead by Colorado Mike, which immediately makes them my favorite brand new team for now. TMA’s roster looks slightly different than it did last season, but the results remained the same. Cobblestone signed up for the league at the last possible second, but Darryl and his hair was on point in stealing a victory from Come From Behind. I say steal because it was reported that Darryl may have paid a certain airline to delay the flight of Paul LoVullo so he couldn’t make the game. No word on the validity of this rumor yet. The Tater Tots looked like they never took any time off, rolling the new Two Tuddies team (who stayed true to their name by only scoring two TDs!) and welcoming them to the league the “hard way”. Red Zone Mafia looks amazing, and they wore their great new jerseys in a big early season win against 716 who hung with them the entire time. 

This Week’s Games:

Cobblestone vs Two Tuddies (+12) - The irony of the oddsmakers giving the Tuddies 12 points isn’t lost on me. The newbies get to take on a TSL legend in Darryl Carr QB Superstar, who’s still apparently throwing touchdowns AND clotheslines on the field. If there’s one thing more dangerous than regular Darryl, it’s fiesty Darryl. COBBLESTONE BY 18

TMA vs Tater Tots (EVEN) - A once quite heated rivalry comes back to the forefront in D5 as these former foes take each other on. I’m relatively sure there’s no love lost between these two teams, and the potential for fireworks should be high. This should be must watch football for anyone at the fields. TMA BY 3

Come From Behind vs TMA (+6) - TMA will go from a emotional game to playing a very, very good CFB team that consistently gets underrated by everyone. I think that’s the way they like it though. CFB is catching TMA at a good time, and it’ll work out for them. COME FROM BEHIND BY 8

Come From Behind vs Red Zone Mafia (+6) - The Mafia got off to a really, really nice start and I think they’ll be in the hunt for a D5 title this season. So will Come From Behind as well. I’m still not too sure about the team beyond the Lattuca family just yet, so I’ll take the more known squad. COME FROM BEHIND BY 3

Not So Sticky vs Passing While Intoxicated (+3) - I’m not 100% sure this game won’t be turned into a drinking game instead of football. It might be played at the bar in a falls count anywhere match. NSS opens their season with a more than able PWI team, and i think this will be a heck of a matchup. NOT SO STICKY BY 2

D6:

Last Week’s Games:

Southside 32, Travis Henry’s Kids 14

Lettuce Win 48, Lenny’s Ladies 8

I see you Southside! I see you Lettuce Win! Some absolute blowouts this week as Southside beat up on the preseason favorites in THK to really announce to the league that they’re here. Lettuce Win proceeded to dominate the Ladies as well, ready to show the league that last season was an anomaly and they can *play*. 

This Week’s Games:

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Blitzkrieg (+3) - Alex is back. Tom is back. The very, very good girls are back. Allie is not back, which is sad. What’s even worse is that it’s been reported that Light Red Hoodie Guy is considering retirement, which is absolutely tragic. I won’t believe it until he leaves the field one day, leaving the hoodie on the 50 yard line like a wrestler leaving his boots in the ring. THK had a rough go of it last week, which can only tell me that I was right about John Langley imploding and costing his talented team a victory. Everyone else on that team seems way too cool to blame. BLITZKRIEG BY 10

Lettuce Win vs Southside (EVEN) - Well, here we are, just one week after both of these teams had HUGE wins, they get to face off right away to take control of the division. I don’t know much about either of these teams (guys, email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and lets chat) but I think this might be a fantastic game. SOUTHSIDE BY 8

Woodpeckers vs Lenny’s Ladies (+14) - This game will be won based on how far a 258 year old QB can throw a football. Lenny’s Ladies are fast, and extremely talented, but they’re still learning how to play defense, especially against the deep ball. They can move the ball as well, but they had lots of trouble scoring in the red zone. WOODPECKERS BY 17

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY: 

1. Will B’s Brother return for a second straight week? B, you need to make this happen. The TSL is at it’s absolute best when B’s Brother is there, and he singlehandedly changed the weather for the better last week. Topper told me so. 

2. Can the Legends be stopped? It’s going to be hard to stop a team that’s THAT talented, but in reality any one of the other D1 teams are smart enough to figure out how to slow them down. That’s one thing, execution is the other. 

3. Where’s the Sentinel? I asked Topper this very question when I didn’t see an article posted earlier in the week. It appears they are taking the season, and perhaps forever, off. But after hearing the podcast, and talking to Topper, there are going to be other articles, including a weekly column written by a different TSLer each week. We have some pretty awesome people in our league, so I’m looking forward to seeing who writes these. I think new people should too, to be honest. A fresh look at our league could be interesting. Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. if you’re interested! 

4. Who’s going to win Breakfast Club? The best part of the TSL (and the only way to get on the sublist) begins this week as 6 teams take the field for Mimosa Immortality. We have some, um, interesting team names this time around (that I’m not even sure we can print) with some first time GMs. I think when the smoke clears, you’ll see Liddle Deaks winning the title over The EsCourts.

5. Who’s the best new team so far? As most people know, the TSL is more than just football. It’s about the people and being at the bar. While we have some dynamite new teams in the league already, i’ve heard the most about the people of Two Tuddies and I’d like to know more about them. Apparently they have the “right attitude”. We’ll see. 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

1.     Here are the best games to watch this week: 

                                               i.     10:00 - Dilfs vs Scared Hitless

                                              ii.     11:00 - TMA vs Tater Tots

                                             iii.     12:00 - Spinelli’s Plumbing vs XMD

                                            iv.     1:00 - Sleezin Szn vs Frodo Swaggins

                                              v.     2:00 - Not So Stick vs Passing While Intoxicated

                                            vi.     3:00 - Itches and Ohs vs The Untouchaballs

2.      It was good to have the podcast back in my life. I like the new intro, and I think the addition of Trish as the permanent female co-host (if i heard correctly) is a homerun. I’d like to see more new people on the show as the league is growing.

3.     Breakfast Club predictions: Liddle Deaks 34 - The EsCourts 27, Steph Infection 28 - Jennatalia 16, Trish’s Tiny Disasters 40 - Dominatrix 17

4.     Three teams that really need a win already in Week 2: Travis Henry’s Kids, Eyes Downtown, Grey Hair Don’t Care

5.     Three teams that look like they’re for real: Scared Hitless, Spinelli’s Plumbing, Itches and Ohs (Two teams that moved up a division still killing it)

6.     Topper is quite excited about a very special guest that will be at the fields this week, waiting for the loser of the Breakfast Club bet between Steph Infection and Jennatalia. Be there to find out who it is. 

7.     We could still use some referees to help out Coach Jay, so if you’re willing to ref (OR you play on two teams) you’re going to have to start signing up when he’s looking. 

8.     It’s currently shaping up to be a warm day tomorrow, although it appears we might have some rain early on. Prepare accordingly. 

9.     Are the Freeballers good anymore or was that just a one time thing? 

10.  Pretty convenient how Topper scheduled his surgery for just before the season starts. Seems like he’s scared to play Hogan. And Alex. And Dylan. And other Dylan. And Dubey, but that’s understandable. And Dave. He’s taking “saving it for the playoffs” to new heights it seems. 

And that’s that for the article for Week 2. I hope you guys have a blast out there on the fields. Go out there and have a blast, make new friends, and of course, send me as much information as possible. Looking forward to getting to know a lot of you. 

-GF